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英検2級、英作文の添削

  • 質問No.9688204
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お礼率 8% (1/12)

最近英検2級の勉強を始めたのですが、英作文の書き方が全然わからず、添削できる知り合いが周りにいなくて悩んでいます。19年度第二回の問題を書いたのですが、添削していただきたいです。大学卒業してからかなりブランクがあるので、おそらくめちゃくちゃです。暴言にならない程度にお願いします。
PS:文章が若干脱線気味ですが、文法とかを見てほしいです。
<Question>
Today, some young people do not start working for large companies. Do you think number of these people increase the future?

Why Japanese young people don’t want to work for large companies?
One of the reason, Japanese Companies often occur Suicide of Employees.
This is because Young employees were blamed by their boss. They feel much stress
and anxious about their fail. Another reason, Japanese Companies income don’t increase. But their working time is increasing every year. And they cannot have a rest. So, Some Japanese young worker think “We are too much spending time to work, but our income isn’t increase. It is no worth for work for large companies”. It is my opinion. This is because young people don't want to work large companies.
What should we do protect increase young people like that? This is problem not only our income but also our mental and work environment. I think we must hear everyone’s opinion and realize it as possible as we can. What is important for work? I think it is not income, with Employees’ Satisfaction. So we can protect increase the people who don’t want to work large companies.

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文法を中心に添削します。言い回し等はまだまだ改善の余地はありますが、そこまでは要求されないと思います。

Today, some young people do not start working for large companies. Do you think number of these [these -> such] people increase [will increase] the future [in the future]?

Why Japanese young people don’t want to work for large companies?
One of the reason, [ -> One of the reasons is (that)] Japanese Companies often occur Suicide of Employees [Japanese large companies often causes young employees' suicides]
This is because Young employees were blamed by their boss. [Those incidents (typically) happen when the young employees has got punished by their bosses.]
ここは文法と言うよりも、上で理由を説明しているのに、ここでまたbecauseが来ると、唐突で意味がつながらないので、状況の補足説明に変える必要があります。

They feel much stress [strong pressure] and anxious [nervous] about their fail. Another reason, [is that] Japanese Companies [large companies] income don’t increase [don't offer salary increase so much]. But their working time is increasing [will be increasing] every year. And they cannot have a rest [they are losing their time to relax]. So, Some Japanese young worker think “We are too much spending time to work [spending too much of our time in working] , but our income isn’t increase [doesn't increase (accordingly)]. It is no worth for work for large companies [Working in large company is not worth while] ”. It [This] is my opinion. This is because [. This is because -> why] young people don't want to work large companies [work for large companies].
What should we do protect increase young people like that?
この文は全体的に通じません。protect A from BでAをBから守る。なのですが、おそらくAはlarge companiesなのでしょう。ただwe とlarge companiesの関係が文脈からもわからず、またBは何なのかもはっきりしません。おそらく若い人たちが大きな企業に入りたがらない状況を何とかしたいのだと思いますが、その時にprotectと言う単語がしっくり来ません。その後の文を見ると、weは大企業側の立場なのですね?
What should the companies do to improve such situation? ぐらいでどうでしょう? そうした場合、we = large companies はやめて、主語はlarge companiesに統一するべきでしょう。そうでなければ、
What should we do, as a part of the large companies, の様にどこかで説明を入れる必要があります。

This is problem not only our income but also our mental and work environment. [-> The problem is not only on the salary issue but also mental care for employees in the work environment. ] I think we [the companies] must hear everyone’s [employee's] opinion and realize it [what they want] as possible as we [the companies] can. What is important for work? I think it is not [only] income [salary alone], [but] with Employees’ Satisfaction [employees' satisfaction as well]. So [-> Then] we [the companies] can [may] protect [themselves from] increase the people who don’t want to work large companies [losing young talent who used not to want to work in large companies].

全体的に、文脈を見ながら想像していけば言いたいことは通じると思います。ただし、文法に基本的なミスが多いです。上でprotectと言う動詞はあまりそぐわないと思いますが、そう言う動詞がどう使われているかは辞書や辞書内の使用例、場合によってはWebを"protect"などで検索して使用例を確認して、それを丸々借用・応用して増やしていくと良いです。
それから、ずっとlarge companies (途中からthe companiesとしましたが)良い文としては、大企業の代表として、a large company で統一した方が良かったと思いますが、途中までlarge companiesとしてしまったのでそのままにしました。
あとは繰り返しですが、途中からwe が大企業側の人の意見だと言うことがわかって来ましたが、そうすると最初にそのことを説明した方が文がつなぎやすくなります。
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