お金が無いアピール英文。。添削願い

質問

お金が無いのでスカラシップください（笑）！という英文です。どなたか、添削お願いします！もちろんなるべく丁寧な表現に直していただけると感謝です！
To Whom it may concern:

I am applying this scholarship because I am short of finance to continue learning art here in New York.
My amount of bank deposit is just for one year.

I prepared fund for study abroad all by myself. It was not easy for me cause I was living alone at that moment to go to my office where was far away from my family's house.So I prepared that money with paying rent. But I wanted to come here and start my carrier as an artist as soon as possible with strong passion,then I got here when I made up fund for one year. Because I think younger sense is very important to develop myself.

Now I have been really careful to spend money.I am staying a cheap room, always bring lunch, do workstudy, I almost never bought even art supplies at a fixed price.Just because I want to stay here in NewYork as long as possible because I strongly believe that it is a best place to be an artist.

Asking money to my parents is impossible because their financial condition is also very bad.
My father has his own company which is really small and he has been in financial trouble with it since I was a child.
He is already in debt big amount with it and moreover it is getting serious cause of this recession.

I do not want them to help me,I want to help them.

As I am saying in the other document "artistic goal",
I have a clear purpose to be an artist and definitely support by myself also my family through the art.
Therefore I better put my time into the creation as much as possible without worrying money.

I never think that being here is easy cause I spent two years to prepare to come here with mostly making money.
However , I could make fund only for one year. So If I will be able to receive this scholarship, I definitely concentrate on my creation more than ever with deeply grateful and a sense of responsibility.
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
以上、お題は、”financial need”です。自分で気になっているのは下記の点です☆
１：amount of bank depositという表現（たんに預金残高といいたい）
２：fund（moneyよりも直接的じゃなくていいかなと思ったんですが、betterな表現がありますか）?
３：Therefore（ニュアンスは分からずに使ってます）
４：as~as possibleという表現が多すぎ？
添削のお時間までなくても以上の一つだけとかでも、ご回答いただけると非常に嬉しいです！^^*

回答No.1

gabriel_s

To whom it may concern:

I am applying for this scholarship because I am short of finances to continue learning art here in New York. On my current bank balance, I can continue my study for only a year.

I prepared the funds for my study abroad by myself. At the time, my family's house was far from my work office, and so I was living alone and paying rent while saving money to travel overseas. However, I wanted to start my career as an artist as soon as possible, because I felt that youthful sense and energy was important to develop myself as an artist and as a person. And so, as soon as I had saved enough money to last for a year, I traveled here.

Here in New York, I have been prudent with my spending. I am staying in a cheap room, always prepare and bring my own lunch, do work and study, and rarely buy art supplies at a fixed price. It is difficult, but I wish to stay here in New York, because I strongly believe that it is the best place to be an artist.

I cannot ask for monetary support from my parents, because they are also struggling. My father runs a small company which has been in financial trouble since I was a child. He is already deep in debt, and the global recession has only intensified the problem.

I do not want them to help me, I want to help them.

As I have mentioned in the other document "Artistic Goal", I have a clear vision to be an artist and to support myself and my family through my art. For this reason, I wish to focus my time and effort into my art and studies, without worrying overly about money.

Of course, I never thought that studying abroad would be easy - I spent two years working, saving money and preparing to come here. However, I could only save enough for one year. If I were to receive this scholarship, I would certainly concentrate on my art and studies, with a sense of gratitude and responsibility.

---
こんにちは、私の母国語は英語です。私の日本語力は下手だから、日本語で説明するのはちょっと難しい。すみません。参考のため：

The two most common ways to write the phrase are "To whom it may concern" or "To Whom it May Concern".

"I am applying for this scholarship" - "for" is a necessary preposition here.

"finances" is preferred over "finance" when talking about personal money, supplies, etc.

I rearranged the sentence structure. I assume you moved out of your house and rented a place to live, near your work.

"because" is more formal than "cause".

"prudent" - 慎重な に同じ。It is more formal than "careful".

"do workstudy" I couldn't understand what you were trying to say. Did you mean that you are doing part-time work as well as studying?

"Just because" I removed this because it has a slight sense of resentment (恨み). "It is difficult, but" is a more humble way to lead into the sentence.

"Asking money to my parents" should be "Asking money from my parents". Also, "monetary support from my parents" is more formal.

"really small" is colloquial. In this case, "small" alone conveys the message well enough.

頑張って下さい。奨学金を受けるのは難しいから、励まなければならない。

お礼

Thank you