【英語】作文の添削お願いします

質問

テーマ：印象に残っている贈り物

Most impressing present in my life is a watch that my father gave me
when I passed the exam to enter the high school.
My father used the watch before I was born,
and he wouldn't put away it even though he was given a new watch by my mother and sister.
I think the watch will have been very important for my father.
So, I was very surprised when he gave it to me.
At first, I hesitated to receive it, but I received it in the end
because my father said with smiling that "I use this new watch".
The watch was what my mother and sister gave him.
My watch and my father's watch is very different because mine is very old and father's is new.
However both of them are filled with love of my family.

文法や構成について指摘してください。

回答No.1

無 鉄砲（@without-a-gun） · ベストアンサー

The most memorable gift in my life is a watch that my father gave to me when I passed the high school entrance exam.
He has used the watch since before I was born, and he never put it away even when he was given a new one by my mother and sister.
I think the watch is very important for him.
So, I was very surprised and hesitated to receive it when he gave it to me.
I however finally received it because he told me as smiling at me that he would use new one from my mother and sister.
Althogh my very old watch and his new watch look very different, both are surely filled with love of our family.

まず、同じフレーズの繰り返しが気になりました。
読者に幼い印象を与えますので、整理したり代名詞を使ったりしましょう。
文法的には、過去完了形を使うべきところもありましたが、上の修正案ではそれを使わずに書いてみました。
私も上の修正案に自信があるわけではなく、まだ改善の余地があるように感じていますが、参考にしてください。

お礼

ありがとうございます！