英語プレゼンテーション

質問

明日英語のプレゼンがあるのでどなたか添削をお願いします
英語に関しての知識が全くといっていいほど無いので、訂正して頂けるとありがたいです

Hi,everyone. I am going to give a presentation about my parents.
First of all, I respect my parents. Because they gave birth to
me, and they brought me up.
My father is a very severe person.
I was not able to approach my father when I am young. Because he was taciturn and stern. However, he worked really hard. My father is office worker. He was working overtime almost everyday. He was going to work on Sunday. It is thanks to
father that can spend snug life. I want to become father like him.
In addition, My mother is a kind woman. She has brought me up heartily. She is very humorous. I am so happy when I talk with her. She works in supermarket about 3days a week.
She succesfully combined her job and housework. She always disguise her sorrow. I suppose it shows her excellence.
But it sometimes makes me worry about her very much.
I regard them not only my good friend but also a mentor for life.
I want to treasure our friendship forever.
I have the utmost respect for my parents.
Thank you very much for kind attention.

こんにちはみなさん。私は両親について発表しようと思います。
まず、私は両親を尊敬しています。
なぜなら、私を産んで育ててくれたからです。
私の父はとても厳しい人です。
私は幼い頃父に近寄ることが出来ませんでした。
なぜなら、彼は顔が怖くて、無口だからです。
けれど、彼は仕事に一生懸命でした。
私の父は会社員です。彼はほぼ毎日残業をしていました。
彼は日曜日にも出勤していました。
私が何不自由なく暮らせるのは父のおかげです。
私は彼のような父親なりたいと思います。
更に、私の母はとても優しい女性です。
彼女は私を一生懸命育ててくれました。
彼女はとてもユーモラスです。
私は彼女と話している時、とても楽しいです。
彼女は私の職業選択の際に相談に乗ってくれました。
私の母は週3日ほどスーパーに勤めています。
彼女は仕事と家事を両立させています。
彼女はその苦労を決して顔には出しません。
それはすごいことだと思います。
しかし、私は時々彼女のことがとても心配になります。
彼らは私のよき友であり、人生の大先輩でもあります。
私はこれからも彼らとの絆を大事にしていきたいです。
私は両親をこの上なく尊敬しています。
ご静聴ありがとうございました。

回答No.3

wakkarahen

お父様がまだ仕事をされているか引退されているかわかりません（日本文では過去形と現在形の表現が混同）が、まだ現役と仮定します。　

貴英文と日本文をみて、貴英文をなるべく残してみた受験生添削のような一例（ただし、後述の理由でいい英文でなないです。理由は少しところどころに書きます）：

Hi, everyone. I am going to give apresentation to give a presentation about my parents.（両親について話すのをpresentationとは言わないと思います）。

First of all, I respect them, because they gave birth to me and have brought me up.(First of all,　と書いたら、後で Second(ly)とか Next,とかの展開を期待させるのでよくないでしょう）

My father is very strict. I was not able to approach him when I small, because he has a fierce look and taciturn. He ia an office worker and works hard. He works overtime almost every weekday. He sometimes works on Sundays. Thanks to him, we have lived a good life. I want to become a father like him.

My mother is a very kind person. She has brought me up very deligently. She is very humorous, so I enjoy talking with her very much. She gave me good advice when I was looking for a job. She works at a supermarket about three days a week. She balances her supermarket job and housework well but does not show any signs of such hardwork at all. This is amazing, but I sometimes worry about her.

I regard my parents as good friends of mine and also my mentors. I want to treasure my relationship with them forever. I have the utmost respect for my mother and father.

Thank you very much for your kind attention.

両親を尊敬する点については、どうしてかという視点がもう少しでたほうがいいかと思います。で、少し勝手に想像しての試案をご参考までに：

Hi, everyone. I'd like to talk a little bit about my parents. What I want to say about them all boils down to this: I look up to my father and mother.

My father is very ridid and strict, a fierce-looking guy, and does not talk a lot. So, when I was small, I avoided approching him, meaning I distanced myself from him. But, he is a man I look up to. Now 55, he works for a manufacturing company as an engineer. He excells in his specialty and works very hard. He works overtime almost every weekday, and sometimes works on Saturdays and Sundays. His devotion to work, although he does not say anything, conveys many messages to me. Thanks to him. we have lived a happy life.

My mother, on the contrary, has a kind and likable personality. She also has a good sense ofo humor. So, I enjoy talking with her very much. She has raised me with all her love. But, she too is a hard worker. She works about three days a week at a supermarket, while attending on all household affairs impeccably. I think she balances "two hats（ここでは、仕事と家事の意）" well. What is special about her is that she never shows us or complain about whatever hardship she may have in doing those things. Instead, she always wears a smile.I think, in her own way, she also has taught me many things.

Honestly speaking, however, I am a bit concerned about my parents as they are gettinng older, although they are still driving themelves hard.

How they have raised me, how they have worked and how they are doing so many things even today --- I have learned and am still learning a lot from my mother and father. That's why I look up to them more than anybody else.

時間が無いので見直しませんのだあしからず。ご参考までに。

お礼

細かい所までご指摘ありがとうございます。
事情があってプレゼンが今週の木曜日まで延びたのでゆっくり自分の文章を見直してみようと思います。

回答No.2

seegrammar

My father is an office worker.
He was working overtime almost everyday, even on Sundays.
I have been able to spend snug life thanks to my father.

In addition をつかうと Mother に対する敬意が薄れます。追加的なものではないでしょう。
I really want to thank my mother, too. などにしましょう。

She works in the supermarket about 3days a week
She always disguise her sorrow　は She's never shown me her sorrow.
I suppose it shows her excellence は I admire her excellence.

最後の４行は下記を参考にしていただければうれしいです。

I love my parents. My mother and my father are also my mentors or even friends.
I respect my parents more than anybody in the world.
Thank you very much for giving me a chance to make a speech today.

回答No.1

greenchq

読ませていただきました。
いいスピーチだと思います。親に対する尊敬と感謝の気持ちはとてもよく伝わります。文法的に細かいミスとかはありますが、口でしゃべるプレゼンならそれはあまり関係ないでしょう。このままで十分通じると思います。
私の経験から、外国人の前でプレゼンをする場合は細かい文法や内容の正確さよりも、アイコンタクトとか、伝えようとする姿勢が一番評価されると思います。欧米の感覚からすると、全部覚えて見ないでしゃべるのが理想ですが、そこまでしなくても、ときどき紙から顔を上げて「棒読みしてない」ことをアピールするだけでもすごくポイントが上がると思います。特にあいさつのところとか、最後の３行ぐらいとか、工夫してみてはどうでしょうか