英語の作文、見直しお願いします!

質問

どなたか英語がウマイ方、いらっしゃいませんか?? 学校の遠足みたいなもので感想文を書かなければいけないのですが・・・。 一応書いたのがこれです。間違っている文章があったり、こうしてみたらいいのではないか?というアイディアがあれば付け足してもらえませんか??　日曜日が提出日なので早めにお願いしま～す><　ちなみにミラクルガーデンとはココです。→http://www.the-miracle-garden.com/

Yesterday, our school took us to miracle garden and zabeel park for our field trip. The first place we went was miracle garden and I was very excited before we arrived there because I heard that it is the world’s biggest natural flower garden and it was my first time to be there. When we arrived there, I saw many lovely flowers that are decorated in many shapes like, pyramid, heart and others. I took many picture with my friend and had a great time to walk around the garden. But the one thing I didn’t like was that the weather was very hot so we became very tired. I also had a respective feeling to the people who planting these beautiful flowers in this hot weather.

The next place where we went was at Zabeel park. It was not my first time to be there because I used to go there when I was small. I was very happy because the zabeel park reminded me the memories of my childhood. When I was having a lunch with my friend, two cat came near to us. Both cat had a fluffy hair and they were so cute. They seemed very hungry so we decided to give come chicken from our lunch. At first, both cat seemed a bit afraid from us. But when we started to give a food, they became really friendly and we were playing with them.
Suddenly, We heard the voice of the teacher telling the time and we noticed that there is only five minutes left. We got shocked that time, But we just enjoyed the rest five minutes with the thing that were in the park. When teacher told us to go back to the bus, me and my friends bought a cold juice because it was very hot. The cold juice was very tasty in the hot weather. In the bus, I saw many people who became tired. I was also the one who became tired, but our field trip was full of fun with my friends.

できるだけもっと長めに書きたかったのですが…アイディアが思い浮かばなくて;;　ちなみにミラクルガーデンにいるときに友達がアイスを買いました。(私は高かったので買いませんでしたけど)コレも作文に入れたかったのですがどう入れればいいかなと。

回答No.1

Him-hymn · ベストアンサー

Yesterday, our school took us to Miracle Garden and Zabeel Park for our field trip. The first place we visited was Miracle Garden and I was very excited before we arrived there because I heard that it is the world’s biggest natural flower garden and it would be my first time to be there. When we arrived there, I saw many lovely flowers that are decorated in many shapes like pyramids, hearts and others. I took many pictures with my friend(s)（複数なら-s） and had a great time to walk around the garden. But there was one thing I didn’t like. The weather was so hot that we became very tired. I respect those who have planted those beautiful flowers in that hot weather.

The next place where we went was Zabeel Park. It was not my first time to be there. I used to go there when I was small. I was very happy because Zabeel Park reminded me of the my childhood days. When I was having lunch with my friend(s) (複数いれば-s), two cats came near us. Both cats had fluffy hair and they were very cute. They seemed very hungry so we decided to give some chicken from our lunch. At first, both cats seemed a bit afraid of us. But when we started to give food, we became really friendly and we were playing with them.

Suddenly, We heard the voice of the teacher telling the time and we noticed that there was only five minutes left. We got shocked at that time, but we just enjoyed the rest of the five minutes seeing the things that were in the park. When the teacher told us to go back to the bus, my friends and I bought cold juice because it was very hot. The cold juice was very tasty in the hot weather. In the bus, I saw many people who became tired. I was also the one who became tired, but our field trip was full of fun with my friends.

最後の文
In the bus, I saw many of us look very tired. I was tired, too, but our field trip with my friends was full of fun.

文法的なミスを直しました。
以上、いかがでしょうか？

お礼

こんなに長い文章を見直ししてくださって本当に本当に有難うございます!!助かりました～!!>▽<