英語の添削をお願いします！

質問

１０年後の自分を想像して１０年前をふりかえる架空の話なんですが
よかったら間違った言い回しや文法、おすすめの言葉などを
添削とともに指摘していただければ嬉しいです。

よろしくおねがいします。

　It has been about 14 years now since I belonged to the group of Aboriginal people in Australia. I am now 35 years old. Looking back, I had specialized in Ethnology at university, because I was very interested in ethnological Art. I decided to broaden my outlook on life by traveling abroad, when I was 20 years old.
Australia which I focused on was my first place for my investigation. There was an area called ‘aboriginal land’ which general people can’t enter without permission but I was allowed to enter it. I got to communicate with aboriginal people and gradually, they regarded me as a member of their family. At the time, I wouldn’t go back to Japan, so I naturally accepted their words that I originally belonged to here. Now, I have forgotten Japanese and I’m sure that I’m not Japanese any more. That’s my whole life so far, but I believe that I was able to find what I really wanted to do and how to enjoy the life.

回答No.1

hyana0103 · ベストアンサー

前回、QNo.4098537 で私が添削したものを再度質問されています。しかも、添削内容をそのまま自作したかのように投稿されています。その意図はなんでしょう？
おそらく他の方の second opinion を求められているのだと思いますが、ならばそうおっしゃるべきで、すべて自分で書いたように投稿されるのは、少々マナーにかなっていないように思います。

なお、前回で不充分だった点を修正しておきます。
> Australia which I focused on was my ... → Australia, which I focused on, was my ... ※カンマが必要でした。
> There was an area called ‘aboriginal land’ which general people can’t enter without permission but ... → There was an area called ‘aboriginal land’, which general people can’t enter without permission, but ... ※ここもカンマが必要でした。
> At the time, I wouldn’t go back to Japan, → At that time, I didn't want to go back to Japan, ※At the time は、idiomatic ではありません。

お礼

大変申し訳ございませんでした。
なるべく多くの方の意見を得ようと、再度、
しかも直していただいたという一言を添えずに投稿してしまい
hyana0103を不愉快にさせてしまいすいません。

にもかかわらず、再度添削していただき本当にありがとうございます。
また参考にさせていただきます。

回答No.2

mydoughboy

university は実在でも架空でもいいから名前があった方が現実味が出ると思います。また、"which general people can’t enter without permission but I was allowed to enter it" の部分はなぜ自分だけが受け入れられたのか理由が書かれていないので、読んでいて不満を感じてしまいます。

以下は私がでっち上げた例文です。多少順番を入れ替えたりして、流れがスムーズになるようにしました。ご自分の好きなようにアレンジしてみてください。文中に使われている表現などはご自分で調べてみてください。

It's been about 14 years since I joined a group of Aborigines in Australia. Back when I was attending Columbia University, I was so into ethnological art that I majored in ethnology. When I was 20 years old, I decided to travel abroad to broaden my outlook on life, and the first thing that came to my mind was Australia.

There was this area called Aboriginal Land, which was off-limits to general public. However, I was invited in by the Aborigines because I knew a little about their language. I communicated with them to the best of my ability. They fed me and taught me things I had never known before. Eventually, they took me in as their own. By then I lost my will to go back to Japan and accepted my fate to belong to the land. I am now 35 years old, and I've forgotten the Japanese language. I'm not sure if I can call myself a Japanese anymore.

That's my life story so far. I can honestly say that I found what I really wanted and the way to enjoy life to the fullest.