自由英作 添削してください

質問

今回は[学校での友達]についてです。
志望校は一橋大学で、ここの入試に対応出来る様に書いてみました。
今回あまり辞書を用いなくて誤った文法や語彙などあるかも知れませんが、コメント・アドバイス・一橋英語についてなど、回答よろしくお願いいたします。

　　　　There has been a view that school is [of school being] where boys and girls study many subjects. In addition, they would earn something very important to make oneself some characters. In my opinion, school is the place where it is most precious thing that they make a lot of friends .
　　　　First of all, young boys and girls have to get accustomed to their school. Making friends would be the best way to enjoy their life of school. If a boy is scolded by his teacher for his little mistake, his friends would help him to be cheered up.
　　　　Second ,friends would be useful for us to enlarge our experiences. Personally, I have earned vogue information from friends of mine. There is no man but loves friends of their.
　　　 For these reasons, Ｉ think boys and girls in school had better make friends ,and they would lean how to keep their friendships longer.

150字程度でまとめました。
なお今回もせっかくの添削に何もお礼ができないのは本当に申し訳のない事態になってしまいますので、２件集まったら締め切りとさせて頂きます。（気付かなかったらごめんなさい。）

よろしくお願いします。

回答No.3

F_V_2008 · ベストアンサー

In addition, they would earn something very important to make oneself some characters.
-> theyが直前のsubjectsと取られる

In my opinion, school is the place where it is most precious thing that they make a lot of friends .
-> it is most precious thing thatが不要

　　　　First of all, young boys and girls have to get accustomed to their school.
-> boys and girlsを何度も使わない。studentsなどと使い分ける

If a boy is scolded by his teacher for his little mistake, his friends would help him to be cheered up.
-> 受動態は極力使わない。

　　　　Second ,friends would be useful for us to enlarge our experiences.
-> usは誰?

Personally, I have earned vogue information from friends of mine. There is no man but loves friends of their.
-> theirは誰?

お礼

回答ありがとうございます。
ご指摘の誤りを直して次に生かしたいと思います。

回答No.2

seegrammar

to make onself some chracters --> to improve their own characters

school is the place where it is most precious thing that they make a lot of friends .
--> school is the most precious place for making a lot of friends

help him to be cheered up. OR help him cheer up

friends of their --> their friends

had better make friends OR are better off making friends

longer OR well

If a boy is scolded by OR If a boy is really told off by

お礼

回答ありがとうございます。
本当に申し訳ありませんが、回答が３件になってしまった為、何もお返しができなくなってしまいました。本当にごめんなさい。
でも間違いのご指摘は必ず生かします。
ありがとうございました。

回答No.1

noname#77517

it is most precious thing → it is the most precious thing
friends of their → friends of theirs (??)
they would lean → they would learn

お忙しいのかも知れませんが、「今回あまり辞書を用いなくて」という
のはちょっと失礼だと思います。少なくとも辞書を使って、スペルの
チェックなどした方が、ご自身のためにもなりますよ。後は、コンマの
位置なども含めて、書いた後のチェックをしましょう。