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自由英作文添削

浪人生です  よろしければ添削お願いいたします 問題文   次のテーマについて80語以上の英語で書きなさい  If you should travel abroad fot the first time in your life, would you like to travel by yourself or would you like to travel with your friends? and why?   自分の答え  I would like to travel by myself because I would like to have free time that is not limited anyone.      If I traveled abroad with my friends, I might not go to the place where I have really wanted to visit. But if I traveled abroad by myself, I could go to the place where I have really wanted to visit and it would be very interesting. That is why I would like to travel abroad by myself better than with my friends.

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  • 回答No.2
  • sfca
  • ベストアンサー率83% (10/12)

長くなってすみません。 I would like to travel by myself because I would like to have free time that is not limited anyone. のくだりですが、 I would like to travel by myself because I would like to have my own time, which is not bothered by anyone, to see around. と変えてみました。 that is not limited (by) anyone の部分は、誰かに邪魔されないと訳したかったと思うのですが、free time にかかる際、意味が通じなくなってきます。もともとfree timeとは自分の時間なので、誰にも邪魔されない自分の時間が欲しいから、ということになると上記の文章が適当でないかなと思います。また、to see around は省くことも出来ますが、誰にも邪魔されずに何をしたいかということを入れると説得力が増すと思います。また、while (I'm) traveling という表現も使えると思います。 If I traveled abroad with my friends, I might not go to the place where I have really wanted to visit.については、 If I travel with my friends, I may not be able to see the places where I really want to visit.が適当でないかと思います。 この場合ただの仮定なので、過去形を使うとまた意味が変わってきます。現在形に直しても、I may not go toだと自分が行かないかもしれないということになってしまうので、友達と行くと自分の行きたい場所に行けないとした場合、may not be able toを使うと良いと思います。そして、go to を seeに変えた理由として、その場所に行って、見るということをしたいのであれば、seeが適当と判断したためです。where I have really wanted to visitはずっと行きたかった場所ということを強調したかったのだと思うので、そのまま残しても良いと思います。その場合でも、残りの文章は過去形に変える必要はありません。 But if I traveled abroad by myself, I could go to the place where I have really wanted to visit and it would be very interesting. の部分ですが、 この場合も過去形にする必要はありません。But の代わりに On the other handを使うと「その一方で」という意味で対比が強調されて良いと思います。どちらにしても、if の前にコンマを入れて下さい。つまり、 On the other hand, if I travel abroad by myself, I will be able to go to see the places where I've wanted to visit, and it will be very interesting. となります。 it will be very interesting は理由づけとしては少し弱いので、I can enjoy seeing as much as I want とか I can spend my time as long as I want 等、もう少し具体的にした方が良いと思います。 That is why I would like to travel abroad by myself better than with my friends.の部分は For that reason, I prefer traveling abroad by myself to traveling abroad with friends. という言い方もあります。For that reason の部分は他の表現、例えば In conclusion、Therefore 等、多々あります。 参考になれば幸いです。

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質問者からのお礼

長文本当にありがとうございます  ご丁寧すぎる添削ありがとうございました<m(__)m>  頂いたアドバイスの全てを自分のものにします  本当にありがとうございました

その他の回答 (2)

  • 回答No.3
  • mabomk
  • ベストアンサー率40% (1414/3521)

いつもどうも、細かい文法は別にして、大変良く書けてますね、コンマの打ち方も直っています。 このままでも良いと思いますが、一寸違う書き方と考え方で、参考にしてください。 I would like to travel alone especially on the first time, it will give me complete free time and wide option. If I am accompanied with my friends, I have to be always considerate about where to go, when and how. But if I travel alone, I can visit any place any time, it must be very interesting. Though I have to decide everything by myself, it will be also part of joys of travel. After I have some experience in travelling abroad, it might be enjoyable to travel with my friends. 92 words

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質問者からのお礼

いつも添削いただきありがとうございます<m(__)m> 違う観点からの文章も書いていただきありがとうございます 参考にさせていただきます

  • 回答No.1
  • newbies
  • ベストアンサー率39% (45/115)

> I would like to travel by myself because I would like to have free time that is not/will not be distrubed by anyone. free time that is not limited anyone.の意味が不明 >If I travel abroad with my friends, I may not go to the place where I have really wanted to visit. If I become President, I will ~ (候補者のように現実性がある人の言葉で使う仮定法) If I became President, I would ~ (学生や一般市民のように大統領になろうとは思っていないかなりたくても夢物語の人の言葉で使う仮定法) If I win this race, I will ~ (足の早い人が言う仮定法) If I won this race, I would ~ (足の遅い人が言う仮定法) 主節が現実性を示しているためにif節は現在形の方が文章が明確になると思う。 >I can however go to the place where I have really wanted to visit and it will be very interesting if I travel abroad by myself. ButやAndを文頭に持ってくるのは避けたほうが良いとする人がいるため,howeverを使ってみた。Howeverであれば文頭に使っても良い。 ..

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質問者からのお礼

具体例まで使って説明いただきありがとうございます<m(__)m> 具体例がとても分かりやすくて参考になりました 本当にありがとうございました

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