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自由英作文の添削をお願いします

周りに添削を頼めるような人がいないので、自由英作文の添削をお願いします。ネット上で細かく添削するのは大変だと思いますので、文法上誤っている点の指摘や全体を見ての感想・アドバイスをいただけるとうれしいです。 (問)次の意見について100文字以上の英文で意見を述べなさい。 It is better to marry late rather than early. (答) I disagree with this statement. First,as people marry late,women give rise to their children when they are old.Although medical technology is improving now,it is still danger. The younger they do,the less danger they pass away. Second,if their father is old when baby is born,and they retire their job because of their age when their children go to college,it is difficult for them to pay money. Certainly,if people marry late,they afford to prepare for marrying because they have much money.But they should take their children into account. Thus,it is better to marry early rather than late.

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  • 回答No.2

I disagree with this statement. Firstly, when women marry later in life, it becomes the risks of complications increase in child birth. Although medical technology is improving, relatively there is a higher risk. The younger the mother, the lower the risk. Secondly, if the father is older when the baby is born, they are more likely to retire when the child is ready to go to college. It makes it difficult to pay for their tuition. Certainly, if people marry late, they can save money for marriage. However, they should take into account their children. Therefore, it is better to marry early rather that later on in life. I, however, disagree with your statement. Each relationship is different, and money is should not be a deciding factor in a partnership. For some people it is not until much later in life that they find their life partner. It is not for society to dictate the rules of the eligibilty of a person's choice. I suggest you study sociology and learn to question mainstream belief systems.

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質問者からのお礼

適切な文章に書き直してくださってありがとうございます。 このような文章が書けるように頑張りたいです。 受験が終わったら、いろいろな勉強をしたいと思います。 またの機会があったら、よろしくお願いします。

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  • 回答No.3
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 では私なりに。(文に番号を付けました。) (1)I disagree with this statement. いいですね。書き出しでバッチリ意見を出す。 (2)First,as people marry late,women give rise to their children when they are old. 意味は分かりますが raise 「育てる」という動詞を使うと楽です。 women have to raise their chilren ... (3)Although medical technology is improving now,it is still danger. it が指すものが technology だとすると、それイコール danger すなわち「医療技術が危険だ」ということになります。Though the medical technology has improved, child bearing at an advanced age is still dangerous とか danger の代わりに risky が使えます。  (4)The younger they do,the less danger they pass away. do は動詞の代わりですがすぐ前の動詞は is, その前も is です。pass away は「死ぬ」の婉曲表現です。The younger they give birth to a baby, the less danger there is あるいは the less medical complication there is はいかがでしょう。 (5)Second,if their father is old when baby is born,and they retire their job because of their age when their children go to college,it is difficult for them to pay money. 読む人のことを考えて 単数の father のあと、突然 they と複数にしない方がいいでしょう。Second, the child's father is likely to be too old in retirement to pay for the child's education.も一案です。 (6)Certainly,if people marry late,they afford to prepare for marrying because they have much money. ここで「より」遅く結婚すると「より」金がある、と言えば「金持ちだから」という絶対的な断言をしなくても済みますね。It is true, the later they marry, the more financial security they will have 「確かに遅く結婚すればするほど経済的な余裕はできます、が、、、」 (7)But they should take their children into account. いいですね。前の文と結びつけて1文になります。 (8)Thus,it is better to marry early rather than late.これもいい結びです。

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質問者からのお礼

細かく添削してくださってありがとうございます。 うまく書けている所とまだまだな部分と分かってこれからの励みになりました。 またの機会があったら、よろしくお願いします。

  • 回答No.1
noname#202629
noname#202629

women give rise to their children 意味が不明 give rise to の使い方参照 http://eow.alc.co.jp/give+rise+to/UTF-8/ The younger they do, the less danger they pass away. they do が意味不明 give a birthなのかな? the less danger they pass away.死ぬことがless dangerは理論的におかしいような気がする。 The smaller the machine, the less dangerous it is であれば納得できる Although medical technology is improving now, it is still danger. 代名詞のitが何を指すか分からない。 Giving a birh is still danger または It's danger to have a baby when your are more than 35 years old. のようにitがto have a babyの仮主語であればok if their father is old when baby is born, and they retire their job because of their age 文章がandで前文と構文を同格にして繋いでいるため their father を単数扱いとして使うのはかまわないが、その代名詞がtheyではおかしい。 It is difficult for them to pay money.  代名詞themも同様に見直す必要がでてくる。

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質問者からのお礼

細かくありがとうございます。 代名詞のつけ方は自分でもうまくいっていない感じがしていたので、指摘していただいてありがたいです。 またの機会があったら、よろしくお願いします。

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