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自由英作文の添削をお願いします。

月末に大学入試を控えている高校3年生です。 文法ミスやもっと適切な表現がありましたら、ご指導いただけるとありがたいです。 テーマ:小中学生に携帯を持たせることの是非 In my opinion, children in elementary school or secondary school should not have a cell phone. It is true that a cell phone is very useful, and it enables them to communicate with their friends or parents easliy at any time. However, a careless use of a cell phone often brings about serious problems. Recently, many children have been involved in crimes by use of a cell phone. They are sometimes killed by people with whome they became acquainted in an Internet community site. Children have a poor knowledge to protect themselves. When we think about whether children can use communication tools appropriately or not, we will believe that they cannot do. So I want to emphasize that parents should not have their children carry a cell phone.

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すみません、超細かい事しかないですけど。。。 >Children in elementary school or secondary school should not have a cell phone. aを取ってcell phonesの方が良い気がします。 >a careless use of a cell phone often brings about serious problems careless useの前にaは要りません。 またbringは他動詞ですので、aboutは要りません。 >They are sometimes killed by people with whome they became acquainted in an Internet community site inではなくthrough internet community sitesの方が良い気がします。 >Children have a poor knowledge to protect themselves poorよりかはinsufficientとかの方が、高級に聞こえるかもしれません。 >When we think about whether children can use communication tools appropriately or not, we will believe that they cannot do. 文頭でIn my opinionと言ってるので、主語はIの方が良いではないでしょうか? それで主節はI don't think(believe) they can doにします、私なら。 >I want to emphasize that parents should not have their children carry a cell phone. ここの使役動詞、私ならletを使うかも。 後、私ならI'd like to にします。

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いえいえ、本当に助かります! まだまだ改善点が多いみたいですね… ご指導いただきありがとうございました! しっかり反省して本番に繋げたいと思います。 また機会があればよろしくお願いします。

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