• ベストアンサー
  • 困ってます

一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 2008年度 120~150字                                                                                  条件・ 日本において出生率の低下は大した問題ではない。について述べなさい。                                                                         I don't agree with this statement. I have two reasons why I think so. First, these days, more and more people are getting older. If the birth rate should be getting lower and lower, the number of young people who can work actively would decrease. I think that this will influence the economy of Japan badly. Secondly, needless to say,if the birth rate is getting lower and lower, the population of Japan would also decrease. This means that the amount of pension which people pay will decrease. so, I think that the finance of Japan would be in danger in the future. In order to solve these problems, goverment should take some mesures quickly.Thus, I don't agree that the low birth rate is not really a problem for Japan. (130字)

共感・応援の気持ちを伝えよう!

  • 英語
  • 回答数2
  • 閲覧数426
  • ありがとう数2

質問者が選んだベストアンサー

  • ベストアンサー
  • 回答No.2

こんにちは。文章の批評もご希望とのことですので、受験用の自由英作文についてはあまり知識がないんですが、僭越ながら評価もさせていただきます。 まず、全体としてなんですが、短期間にかなりよくなっているような印象を受けます。 次に個別の話なんですが、 ■ スペルミスについて: これは、ワード等のソフトウェアを使えば簡単に発見できますのでやっておきましょう。 × goverment → ○ government × mesures → ○ measures 参考までに、手書きのときにもgovernmentとか、environmentなどをtypo(スペルミス)する人は多いようです。 ちなみに、government = govern + ment, environment = environ + ment と覚えておくとよいです。 ■ 短縮形はフォーマルなライティングでは使わないこと: I don't agree withなどで、don't が多用されていますが、do notを使いましょう。短縮形はアカデミックライティングではご法度です。これ以外の例として、can'tは使わずにcannotを使うなどがあります。 ■ つなぎの文章で、「したがって○○」としたいときに、So,...を文頭では使わないこと: so, I think that the finance of Japan → Therefore / Thus, ...などに変える。 ■ 文章の構造を分析する: 以下に、irisbuddaさんが作った自由英作文の骨格を載せておきます。何をしたかというと、文章から余分な部分を取り除いただけです。これをやると、文章のフレームワークが見えてきます。文章の(大まかな)構造については、まったく問題ないようです。 [Introduction: 導入部] not agree two reasons [Body: 本体] Reason 1) ←文頭に要約 more people are getting older. birth rate lower → number of young people who can work decrease → influence the economy of Japan badly Reason 2 ) ←文頭に要約 birth rate getting lower → population decrease the amount of pension decrease → finance of Japan in danger in the future [Conclusion: 結論] goverment should take some mesures←これを最後にいう方がよい気がする。 do not agree←こちらを先に言ったほうがよいのでは? ■ BodyのReason1&2の文頭に概要を盛り込む: 本体部分についてですが、理由1と理由2の最初の部分に全体の要約を持ってきましょう。 理由1を要約すると、 「出生率の低下は労働力の減少につながる」、 Decline in the birth rate will lead to a reduction in the labor force. 理由2では、 「出生率の低下は、年金等の財政に悪影響をおよぼす」 The birth rate decline will have adverse effects on finance. ですね。これを最初に入れておくと文章の説得力が増します。 ■ Conclusionの要約に使う決めゼリフはパターン化している。 “Thus”, I don't agree..となっていますが、これについては、In summary、In conclusion、To sum up、In my opinion、Overallなどに変えた方がよいです。 ご参考になれば幸いです。 [1] 原文の形を残したもの: I do not agree with this statement. I have two reasons why I think so. First, these days, more and more people are getting older. If the birth rate should be getting lower and lower, the number of young people who can work actively would decrease. I think that this will influence the economy of Japan badly. Secondly, needless to say, if the birth rate is getting lower and lower, the population of Japan would also decrease. This means that the amount of pension which people pay will decrease. Therefore, I think that the finance of Japan would be in danger in the future. In order to solve these problems, the government should take some measures quickly. Thus, I do not agree that the low birth rate is not quite a problem for Japan. [2] 以上の内容を盛り込んで、文章の構造も変えたもの: I do not agree with this opinion. There are two reasons why I think so. Firstly, decline of birth rate will lead to a shortage of workforce. These days, more and more people are getting older. If the birth rate should drop, the number of young people who can actively participate in the workplace would decrease. Therefore, I think it will have adverse impacts on Japanese economy. Secondly, the decline of birthrate will have negative effects on finance. If the birth rate is getting lower, the population of Japan would also decrease. This means that the amount of pension which people pay will decrease. In conclusion, I disagree with their opinion that the low birth rate is not quite a problem for Japan. I believe the finance of Japan would be in danger in the future. In order to tackle these issues, the government should take some measures quickly.

共感・感謝の気持ちを伝えよう!

質問者からのお礼

peechyanさん再び回答ありがとうございます。短縮形のところやスペルミスのご指摘ありがとうございます。またお褒めの言葉も自信になりました。これからも上げていくのでよろしければ厳しいご指摘宜しくお願いします。

その他の回答 (1)

  • 回答No.1

※more and more people are getting older 言いたいことは分かりますが、敢えて(申し訳ありません。気を悪くなさらないでください。)ケチをつけるなら、人が年々年を取ることは太古の昔より変化はありません。人間が若返ることはあり得ないと思います。 the number of seniors is becoming larger and larger としてみました。 ※Secondly ly を付けるかどうかは、ネイティブの間でも意見が分かれるようです。First に合わせて Second でどうでしょうか? ※Secondly の後の lower and lower は少ししつこすぎて、感情的になっているかのようなニュアンスが伝わります。客観的な「論文」としては?という感じがします。「間違い」という訳ではありません。そのように思わせることが質問者さんの意図なら、それでいいと思います。 ※pensions which people receive (get, draw) will decrease. pension は可算名詞です。 年金受給者のことなら↑にします。pay なら掛金を払っている現役世代と入れ替わっています。 ※the goverment must take 日本政府のことなので冠詞が必要です。無冠詞では「世界のどこの国でも政府が…」という無限定の一般論になります。 書く人の判断で選べばいいのですが、 must の方が意味が強くなります。

共感・感謝の気持ちを伝えよう!

質問者からのお礼

回答ありがとうございます。自分が気づかないところまで詳しく解説していただき嬉しいです。確かに人は毎年、年を取りますよね笑。適格なご指摘ありがとうございました。

関連するQ&A

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 2009年度 (120~150字)                                                                                 条件・ 日本は豊かな国である。について述べなさい。                                                                                          I agree to this statement. I have two reasons why I am for this statement. First, from an educational point of view, more and more young people are studying foreign languages such as English, Chinese, and so on. It has recently been said that they want to work in a global world. I think that the current education system in japan would make it possible for them to have the idea. Sencondly, from a medical point of view, the birth rate is getting fewer and fewer and the number of old people is getting more and more these days, but there is a so firm medical system in japan that the system help us solve these problrm. Thus, I think that these two great systems are bases of japan and make japan rich country. (134字)                                                                                                今回も少し難しかったです。文法面を中心に採点していただけると助かります。宜しくお願い致します。                                                        

  • 一橋大学  自由英作文 添削のお願い 

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い (120字~150字)                                                                                       条件・ 日本は民主主義国家ではない。                                                                                                   I do not agree with this statement. I think the meaning of this word "democracy" is that a people can live actively in a country. There are many reasons why I think so, but I would like to write here two reasons about it. First, the education system in Japan is so a firm that children and student can study various subjects which will be very convenient in a society. I think that this would make it possible for them to live actively in Japan. Second, people have various rights for living in Japan. Thanks to these rights, people can live in Japan safely, and actively. Thus, I do not agree that Japan is not a democratic country and what is important is how you take an action actively. (127字)                                                               今回は難しかったです。いつも制限時間として20分を設けてやっているのですが、今回はそれを超えてしまいました。また、文章もまとまりがないかなとも思います。文法面を中心に評価をお願いいたします。                                                              

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 2007年度 (120語~150語)                                                                               条件・ 日本は九月から学校を始業するべきだ。について述べなさい。                                                                                I agree the statement that the school in Japan should start in September. I have two reasons why I think so. First, these days, the world is getting smaller and smaller and I think that it is important for us to look around the world. For example, America has introduced this system for a long time. Considering an increace of people who are American and want to study in Japan, we have to introduce this system quickly. Second, it gose without saying that September is in a fall in Japan and the temperature is a little colder than a spring, so we can concentrate on studying. Thus, I agree that the school year in Japan should start in September and I think what is important is how we make use of this system. (133語)                                                                                          文法面を中心に添削をお願いいたします。宜しくお願いします。

  • 自由英作文の添削のお願い

    条件・ 日本の次の首相は女性がなるべきだ。                                                                                               I do not agree with this statement that a women should be chosen as the next prime minister of Japan. I have two reasons why I think so. First, I think that women are generally inferior to men concerning physical. Needless to say, work of the prime minister is very hard, so I think that it is hard for women to work as the prime minister. Second, it is too much to say that women should work at home. These days, the birth rate is lower and lower. I think that the reason why this problem happens is that men are worried about their child because women also work outside. Overall, what is important is that women should work at home rather than work outside. (128字)

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 2007年度 (120~150語)                                                                                 条件・ 日本においてクリスマスを祝うべきではない。について述べなさい。                                                                             I do not agree with the statement that christmas should not be celebrated in Japan. Many people, for example, a family, a couple and so on, are looking forward to this special day every year, but I think that this day is more important for children in Japan. They are looking forward to receving a present from "Santasan" which is called in japan. ( I'm sorry it's too much for me to write his name exactly.) Needless to say, the "Santasan" is thier parents, but children don't know the fact. I have an experience that I was given a present from him. If there were no christmas, I think that children would be sad and cry. Thus, I think that this day is very important for many people, especially children, and what is important is how you consider them seriously. (139語)                                                                   文法面を中心に、ご指摘いただきたいと思います。よろしくお願いいたします。

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 2010年度                                                                                            条件・とても早い段階から外国語教育を始めることは良いことであるか。について述べなさい。                                                                 I agree with this statement. I have two reasons why I approve of that. First, these days, English skills are required more and more for young people to live in this global world. The chance of meeting foreigners would increace. Needless to say, the longer you study English, the more you can develop your English skill. So I think that this idea will make it possible for children to develop their English skills. Secondly,today, there are various cultures in the world and it is more important for us not to attack different cultures though you don't know what the culture is. I think that this idea will enable children to deeply understand differnt cultures. Thus, what is important is that how children learn English. (127字)                                                                                                                                                                        文法面を中心に採点して下さると本当に助かります。字数は120~150字以内が条件でした。宜しくお願い致します。

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い (120字~150字)                                                                                       条件・ 日本人はもっと長い休暇が必要である。について述べなさい。                                                                                I agree with this statement. These days, there are many problems which are concerned with work. I think that many people who work everyday seem to be very tired. I once read in the news paper that some people died because they worked too hard though their physical strength was not so strong. I think that Japanese people are tend to make efforts to achive something they have to do although it is not always the case, so if there are more free time for workers, these problems could be solved. I think that there are two merit in a long vacation. First, needless to say, they can have more time for rest. Secondly, they can develop their skills using a long vacation.Thus, I agree that Japanese need longer vacation and this will make it possible for workers to feel more happier. (143字)                                                                                                                  文法面を中心に採点して下さると嬉しいです。また文の構造面(特にbecause~thoughのところなど)もよろしくお願いします。

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い                                                                                                    条件・一橋大学に入学したとしたら、あなたはどんなことをしていきたいですか?(120~150字)                                                               I would like to acquire an English skills at Hitotubashi University if I were accepted. More and more current world is getting widely and the English skill is more important for young people to live in this global world. I have studied English since I was junior high school student, so I like English very much. I have dreamed of becoming a great translater, so I will try to study English more at Hitotubashi University. For example, I would like to visit foreign countries where English is spoken by the people to study English. This will make it possible for me to develop listening skill and speaking skill. If there is a project of going abroad, I wii join the project strongly. Thus, I want to keep learn English to realize my dream. (131字)

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 2006年度 120~150語                                                                                  条件・もしあなたが一億円を持っているならば、何をしますか。について述べなさい。                                                                        In my case, I have two ways of using such big money. First, I always think that I want to live an ordinarily life, so if I had 100,000,000 yen, I would save it. This is because it is very hard to live in today's world, so I should face at a hard situation which is concerned with money, I think it would make it possible for me to solve that. Second, I have dreamed of becoming a great English translator since I was a junior high school student, so if i had a chance that I can develop my English skills, I would be willing to use it little by little. Thus, I think what is important is how I use such big money. (123語)                                                                                                                                   宜しくお願いします。

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 2009年度 (120~150字)                                                                                 条件・ ユーモアのセンスは、人生の中で重要なことである。について述べなさい。                                                                         I agree to this idea. These days, there are many sad accidents such as bullying, suicide,and so on. I think that the one of reasons why these problems happen is a lack of sense of humor. I have an experience supporting my idea. When I was a junior high school student, I had a friend. He was a funny boy and always made me laugh. One day, we had a quarrel and our friendly relationship broke. We couldn't talk each other for a few days. I wanted to say to him "I'm sorry", but I couldn't. After a while, he suddenly came to me and said a funny word to me "How are you". We laught at that word each other and then we could recover our relationship. Thus, I think that a sense of humor make us happy and it will be a good thing for sad accidents. (142字)                                                                        今回は少し難しかったです。ユーモアのことについては考えたことがなかったので・・・。なので文法面はそうですが、今回は文章の組み立て方を中心に添削していただけると助かります。宜しくお願い致します。