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自由英作文の添削をお願いします。

自由英作文の添削をお願いします。 少子高齢化が生じる原因と問題点、そしてあなたが考える解決策を書きなさい。 I think that what is causing an aging society with a low birthrate is that the average life expectancy has been rising, and fewer babies have been born. One of the problems of this is that Japanese economy will get to recession. This is because the working-age population in Japan is decreasing. To solve this problem, we should make more positive use of women and older people. If we create the environment in which they can work easily, I believe Japan will overcome this difficult problem. ※自分は大学受験生です。周りに添削してくれる人がいなくて困っています。どんな些細なことでもご指摘いただけたらありがたいです。 毎回ご丁寧な添削ありがとうございます。回答者の皆様にはご負担をおかけしてしまっていると思いますが、皆さんに添削していただくごとに合格へ一歩ならず、何歩も近づけていると感じます。これからも、ご迷惑かもしれませんが、よろしくお願いします。

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  • ベストアンサー
  • 回答No.1
  • mabomk
  • ベストアンサー率40% (1414/3521)

一寸だけモタモタ感はありますが、私が試験官なら「合格点」、私の80年前にはこんな風な立派な英文は書けませんでしたです。でも、こうすれば百点満点かな、、、、成る可く平易な単語を使う様にしました。 In today’s Japan we are faced with dual-ongoing problems, the aging society caused by longer life expectancy and lower birth-rate. On top of these problems, we are also in the serious economic recession. I think the fundamental problem is coming from decreasing number of working population. One of the way to cope with this situation, in my idea, is just to make full use of working power by women and the older age. It is important for us to prepare the suitable working condition so that they can work easily and happily. I believe this is one good solution to the problems.

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質問者からのお礼

早急なご回答ありがとうございます! 自分の書いた英語と比べ物にならないくらい、スッキリとかつ豊富な英語表現が使われていてびっくりしました。参考にさせていただきます!ありがとうございました!

関連するQ&A

  • 一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い

    一橋大学 自由英作文 添削のお願い 2007年度 (120語~150語)                                                                               条件・ 日本は九月から学校を始業するべきだ。について述べなさい。                                                                                I agree the statement that the school in Japan should start in September. I have two reasons why I think so. First, these days, the world is getting smaller and smaller and I think that it is important for us to look around the world. For example, America has introduced this system for a long time. Considering an increace of people who are American and want to study in Japan, we have to introduce this system quickly. Second, it gose without saying that September is in a fall in Japan and the temperature is a little colder than a spring, so we can concentrate on studying. Thus, I agree that the school year in Japan should start in September and I think what is important is how we make use of this system. (133語)                                                                                          文法面を中心に添削をお願いいたします。宜しくお願いします。

  • 自由英作文の添削をお願いします。

    何度も失礼します。前回、前々回とも詳しく、ご丁寧な添削ありがとうございます。 あつかましいのですが、また自由英作文の添削をお願いします。 グローバル化がもたらすメリットとデメリット・それに対する意見 The merit of globalization is that we can access to technology, imformation, services and markets all over the world. They are good for local communities because they could take part in world economic. But,the demerit of globalization is that there is a possibility that individual distinctions of culture and society become erased by an increasingly homogeneous global culture. For example, I have been to Thailand before. I hoped that I enjoyed ehnic costume and delicious food wagons although they are dirty. But, The scene of Thailand seldom change to a spectacle of Japan. There were a lot of department stores of Japan, and many people enjoyed shopping with the dress in good taste. As my conclution, it is important for us to advance globalization as we remain individual culture and society. 長くなってしまいすいません。どんな些細な点でもご指摘いただければありがたいです。よろしくお願いします。

  • 英作文の添削お願いします!

    英作文の添削をお願いします! About global warming One of the problem which is caused by grobal warming is sea level rise. This is a serious problem because the influence by sea level rise is predicted that Marshall Islands sinks in 80% of a country. One of the way to stop this is to discourage the use of cars. For example, limiting the use of private cars in big city such as Tokyo and Osaka,where public transportation is readily available, may be the first step. 自分は大学受験生です。私が受ける大学で自由英作文が課されるのですが回りに添削してくれる人がいないので困ってます。どんな些細なことでもいいので意見を下さればありがたいです。

その他の回答 (5)

  • 回答No.6

多分、2度目ですよね。こんばんは。 全体的な構図としてはいいかなとは思いますが、willという 助動詞に頼りすぎかなと思います。あとpositive use of women and oler peopleは個人的にはあまり好きな表現ではないですね。 むしろ、let them pour into workforce by re-establising social system more comfortably for themとでもするべきでしょうか。 useだと何か差別的にも聞こえるかなと思います。 まぁ、あとは他の方が指摘されているようにredundancyが 1文目で見られます。これも加味しながら、文章を再構成すると、 →I think that longer life expectancy and lower birthrate than last several decades have bee strongly contributing to the aging problem in this society.が1番すっきり見えるかと 思います。becauseや他の言葉でつなぐのもありですが、 contributeを使えば、1文で全てまとまります。 One of the reasons for this is that Japanese economy has faced up stagnation. This is apparently because the population of "the working-age" has started dropping gradually. problemはここではagingを指していますよね?ということは one of the problemsでは意味が通りません。reasonを使うべきかと。 また何かに直面するはget toやget inも使えますが、 face upがよく使われる表現です。あとはdecreaseという表現は あまりオススメできません。誰もがそれを使います。そして ネイティブの英語では使われません。使い方がややこしい単語の 1つなのです。敢えて使うなら、この場合はdecreaseではなく、 dropが選択するべき語句かと思います。 To solve this problem, we should let more and more women and the elderly pour into workforce by replacing our societal and social system in order to make it more comfortable for them to work for. で次の文章とその次の文章をまとめて書き、また、誤解がない 書き方ができているかと思います。なので次の文章が 少し短くなり、 That will help us overcome this difficulty ですかね。他の方も述べていますが、sandsonさんは 僕が高校生だったときよりもよっぽどいい文章を書いているので より高いレベルのものが必要かと思い、きつめに添削というか 校正しています。どうすればbecauseを省けるか、短く書けるかを つきつめていくとよりまとまった文章が書けるように なれるかと思います、頑張ってください。

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質問者からのお礼

こんばんは!前回に引き続きご回答ありがとうございます!鋭い視点で添削していただければ、悪い点がどんどん改善されていくのでうれしい限りです。今後ともよろしくお願いします。

  • 回答No.5

1文目が確かにもたもたしているような気がします。同じことを繰り返していっているようなところがありますよね。1文目、こういうことを言いたいのではないでしょうか。-- Now,Japan is getting into the aging society with low birth late. これであっさりと済むような気がします。 2文目以下ですが、In this society, the number of working people will decrese and this will push the country into the economic recession.For this problem, we should make much of women and elderly people as labor power.という形もあります。If we create以下は良いんじゃないでしょうか。the environment in which の辺りは結構私好みで好きですよ。引き続きがんばってください。

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質問者からのお礼

ご回答いただきありがとうございます!今回1文目もご指摘頂いたとおりなんですが、hiro93001様の2文目以下のご回答がとても綺麗でうっとりしました!今後ともご指導のほどよろしくお願いします!

  • 回答No.4

どこの大学を狙っているのか知りませんが、よく書けていると思います。東大合格者レベルでも、平均的にはそんなにいい英文書けないですから、仮に東大でも入試では合格圏内には入っているのではないでしょうか。 貴殿の英文のいいところは、(1)基本的な文法ミスがない、(2)それなりの単語や文体でかかれている(←受験生は採点者にアピールすべし)、(3)何を言いたいかはよくわかる。 で、まず、貴英文について若干のコメントを: what is causing .... is A and B という構文になってますが、少し論理的に?な感じでしょう(一見いいようですが)。the cause of ... is A and B ならいいですが。 また、low birthrate でaging society の原因は・・・・とfewer babies have been born とは、同じことをいっている(low birthrate = fewer babies)ゆえ再考したほうがいいでしょう。貴英文を生かすと、I think that the cause of aging of Japan stems from two factors - Japanese life expectancy has been rising and fewer babies are born(現在形)。 .. of this の this とは何を指しているのか不明でしょう。Japanese economy will get to recession と書くと、リセッションに必ずなるような感じになってしまいますから、そこは少しトーンを変えたほうがいいかと。「日本の経済」は the Japanese economy と定冠詞を。(ちなみに、「日本の社会」は冠詞なし、「日本の産業」もなし、が「日本の○○(例:自動車)産業」はあり(the Japanese ○○(automobile) industry)) 貴英文を生かして、One of the problems the aging society will bring us would be that Japan may get into a recession triggered by shortages of working-age population. 受験ではかまわないでしょうが、older peopleという表現は避けた方がいいです。 elderly people など。oldはネガティブな意味合い(老いた、古い)あり。 To solve this problem の this problem とは何ですか? リセッションになるということですか? 労働人口減少ですか? その辺を明確にした書き方にしたほうがいいでしょう。一応、後者とします。最後に this difficult problem とありますが、これは何を指していますすか? 労働人口減少?それとも少子高齢化?一応前者として。 貴英文を生かして、 To solve the expected labor shortage problem, we should make more positive use of women and elderly people. If we can create an environment in which they can work easily, I believe Japan will be able to overcome the problem. 貴英文については、 ・ this が多いですが、それが何を指しているか明確になうように。 ・ 論理の流れがきちんとなっているかよく読みなおす。 ・ 日本語の文章をまず頭に描き、それを英作文することが多いかと思いますが、そのときは、日本語の語・文の言い回しを訳そうとせずに、その言おうとしている内容を考え、用語や表現を選ぶ。 ご参考までに駄作を: I think the falling birthrate is the main culprit of the aging of Japan. Men and women are marrying late, or some even not marrying at all, and they tend to have fewer children. Many factors are believed to exist behind this trend, including, in addition to economic reasons, changes in young people's lifestyles and the loss of traditional family structure. The aging population would affect the economic activities of this country in the future because of expected labor shortages as the working population will shrink. To deal with the challenge we will face, I firmly believe that we should make greater use of women, raise the retirement age and have more elderly people continue to work, while providing increased financial and other support for parents raising childeren. 見直しませんので、タイプミスや表現のおかしなところは、適当に解してください。頑張って東大にでもいってください。ま、他の科目がありますが・・・ Hope this helps.

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質問者からのお礼

ご回答ありがとうございます!こんなに評価していただけるなんて恐縮です。本番でも合格レベルの作文を書けるように頑張りたいです(ちなみに志望校は東大ではありませんが・・・・。) ご指摘のとおり、指示語の内容が不確かだったと思います。wakkarahen様の模範解答を参考にさせていただきたいと思います!!今後ともよろしくお願いします!

  • 回答No.3
  • mabomk
  • ベストアンサー率40% (1414/3521)

一番です、早速の(“早急”ではないですよね)お礼深謝です。問題を再度読み返すと、「少子高齢化が生じる原因と問題点」の「原因」部分が弱かったので、付け加えてみました。 Now in Japan, thanks to the developed healthcare system, we have the record-breaking aging society, and owing to the shadowy anxiety seemingly for the coming future, we have the very low birth-rate. We are currently faced with these inverse problem, which, I am afraid, can not be solved in a day. 一寸難しすぎるかな、まー、読み流しておいても構いませんよ。 ここの味噌(要点は)、、、、、、、、 thanks to ~~~~のお陰で owing to ~~~~を理由として (これらを対比させました) shadowy anxiety ぼんやりとした不安 seemingly ~~~~と思える、じゃないかなと思える、とも考えられる for the coming future 将来への inverse problem 真反対の ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

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質問者からのお礼

ご回答ありがとうございます。すいません、日本語間違ってましたね・・・・・・・・・。 語句中までつけていただけるなんて・・・・・。助かります! 英語は奥が深いんですね(^^;)少しでもmabomk様の英文に近づけるよう頑張ります!

  • 回答No.2

こんにちは。 1行目のwhat is causing~ですがthe cause of~is that~、あるいはthe aging society is caused by~とするほうが普通だと思います。また少子高齢化というのは最初の部分で述べているので最後の部分の新生児が減っている冗長になっています。これを生かすならwith a low birthrate はいらないかと。後「新生児が減る」はthe number of new born babies has dramatically decreased over the past few decadesなどとしたほうがいいかと。 ついでに、非英語圏の人は自分の意見を述べるときにI thinkやin my opinionと言いがちですがこれはなくても十分通じますです。どうしても導入句がほしいならit can be argued thatなどのほうがよろしいかと。 2行目のone of the problems of this→one of the problems triggered by this is economic recession caused by the decreasing number of working population. 3行目のto solveをin order to solveとするとよりわかりやすく、何より語数を増やせます(もし最低語数があれば、ですが)。また、we should をit is necessary that s should vなどと仮定法現在として色々な文法を知っていることをアピールすることも出来ます(これは採点法が減点法か加点法化にもよってきますが) がんばれ受験生!!

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質問者からのお礼

ご回答ありがとうございます!一行目を考えあぐねていたので助かりました。 なるほど・・・!相手にアピールすることも大事なのですね。参考にさせていただきます!

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