自由英作文の添削

質問

大学受験で自由英作文があるのですが、塾にも通えず英語の先生にも添削を断られてしまったため
こちらで私の書いた英作文にアドバイスや指摘をして頂きたいと思い、投稿します。

・パラグラフ構成をしっかりさせること
・１５０word以上

テーマ：医学部を卒業したあと、その地域の医師として働かされるべきか。

I agree with the idea that newly graduated doctors from this university should be sent to rural areas in this prefecture for several years of compulsory service. Needless to say, doctors can establish better relationship with people living in rural areas than in urban areas.

Of course, there are so many doctors and patients in urban areas that the newly graduated doctor is able to acquire latest technology by them or see vrious kinds of patients there. However, if there is a few people in rural areas, the doctor can do the almost same thing everywhere. What is more, it is the most important thing for doctor to save people's life. Many rural areas being short of trained doctors mean that if people are sick in those areas, they couldn't see a doctor and they would even die.

For these reasons, I suggest that newly graduated doctors should be sent to the place which does not have enough doctors and establish a mutual trust with people living there.

よろしくお願いします

回答No.1

SPS700 · ベストアンサー

I agree with the idea that newly graduated doctors from this university should be sent to rural areas in this prefecture for several years of compulsory service. Needless to say, doctors can establish better relationship with people living in rural areas than in urban areas.

Of course, there are so many doctors and patients in urban areas that the newly graduated doctor is able to acquire latest technology by them or see various kinds of patients there. However, since the population is less dense in rural areas, the doctor can perform almost similar treatments everywhere. What is more, saving people's lives is the most important thing for a doctor. Many rural areas are suffering from shortage of trained doctors and sick people often do not have a chance to be seen by a doctor and they might die premature deaths.

For these reasons, I suggest that newly graduated doctors be sent to areas where there is a shortage of doctors and where there is a chance to establish mutual trust with local residents.

　　　とも。原文でも十分通じる文ですよ。

お礼

ありがとうございます！
第二パラグラフの後半の表現、大変参考になりました。
同じことを言い換える表現をSPS700さんのようにうまくできるようになりたいです。。。