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自由英作文の添削をお願いします

現在の法律では大人は20歳からであるが、これに賛成か それとも、例えば18歳に下げるべきか、22歳に上げるべきか あなたの意見を書きなさい ↓ In my opinion, eighteen-year-old people in Japanese should be adults. I think so because some eighteen-year-old people are working, therefore they are in charge of society. So, it is reasonable that the age of majority should be reduced--to 18 私の意見では、18歳の日本人は大人であるべきです。 何故そのように考えたかというと、18歳で働いている人もおり、彼らは社会的責任を負っています。 だから、成人年齢を18歳に引き下げるというのは合理的です。 何も調べて書いていないので、レベルは低いですが、試験本番と同じような環境でやってみました。単語数は50くらいまでしか増やせません。 ですので、大学入試の観点から添削をお願いします。

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  • Him-hymn
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I think eighteen-year-old people in Japan should be adults. Why? Because many eighteen-year-old people are working as a member of society. They are already responsible adults, not children. Therefore, I think it reasonable that the coming of age should be lowered from 20 to 18 years of age. (48語) In my opinion, ... は、悪くはないのですが、それよりI thinkとやって、動詞で言った方が迫力があります。 in Japaneseだと、「日本語で」という意味になります。 18で働いていると言っても、義務教育は中学ですから、16歳で働く人、女性で親の同意があれば結婚する人もいます。ですから、some 18-year-old people are workingでは説得力がありません。manyを使うのがよいでしょう。 ... some eighteen-year-old people are working, therefore they are in charge of society. Thereforeはむしろ、一番最後に使うのがよいでしょう。(本当の結論ですから) そこで、as a member of societyとして、...people are workingの後に組み入れていました。 参考になればと思います。

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質問者からのお礼

凄い格好いい英文ですね。ありがとうございます。 この文を参考にしてこれからもやっていきます Why?とか使いたくなりました

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