英検2級ライティング

質問

英検の問題ライティングです。問題は、
Some people say that more apartment buildings should allow pets such as dogs and cats. Do you agree with this opinion?

私の意見は It is becoming a public concern that more apartment buildings Should allow pets such as dogs and cats. I am also interested in this topic. However, I disagree with this opinion that more apartment buildings should do. I have Two reasons for it. The first reason is that it might annoy others who have an
animal allergies. The second reason is that there may be some people not to take care of their pets such as dogs and cats.
In conclusion, more apartment buildings should not allow pets such as dogs and cats.

採点アプリを見ると語句の使い方に問題がある感じです。どなたか添削お願いします🙇🏻‍♀️՞

回答No.1

Nakay702

以下のとおりお答えします。
お書きの英文はとてもよく書けていて、ほとんど間違いがありませんが、「＊」（説明）と「⇒」（書き換え例）のように変えると、幾分かは改善できるかもしれません。

＞It is becoming a public concern that more apartment buildings Should allow pets such as dogs and cats.
＊冒頭のこの部分、「～を増やすべきだという社会的関心の高まりがあります」のように言うこともできますね。また、apartment buildings は condominiumsとも言えます。
⇒There is a growing social concern that more apartment buildings / condominiums should allow pets such as dogs and cats.

＞However, I disagree with this opinion that more apartment buildings should do.
＊ that 節の最後、「もっと建てるべきだ（という意見には反対です）」と具体的に表現した方がいいと思います。
⇒However, I disagree with the opinion that more such apartments should be built.

＞I have Two reasons for it. The first reason is that it might annoy others who have an animal allergies.
＊第１文は、「それには2つの理由があります」のように言うと、より理詰めに聞こえるかもしれません。不定冠詞は（anとしていますが）、allergiesにかかりますので不要です。
⇒There are two reasons for that. The first reason is that it may cause trouble to others who have animal allergies.

＞The second reason is that there may be some people not to take care of their pets such as dogs and cats.
＊「（犬や猫などの世話を）飼っている途中で放棄する（人がいるかもしれない）」のように言う方が、現状を説明するのにより適切な表現になるでしょう。
⇒The second reason is that some people may abandon caring for their dogs, cats, etc. in the middle of their stay.

＞In conclusion, more apartment buildings should not allow pets such as dogs and cats.
＊more ～ should not …は、「これ以上の～が…すべきではない」でしょうか。それなら、人間を主語にする方がより明快な表現になるでしょう。
⇒In conclusion, we should not increase the number of condominiums that allow pets such as dogs and cats.