英語の添削をお願いします

質問

テーマは「日本でオリンピックを開催すべきか否か」です。

　I think we should invite Olympics to somewhere in Japan.
I think it would benefit Japan in some respects.
First, holding Olympics is very profitable.
Indeed, it would cost us much money, but profit would be larger than it.
It is because many foreign people come to japan and spend much money.
Moreover if Olympics were been held in Japan,
Japanese people could directly see it more easily.
When it is held in other countries, most Japanese people can't go,
and even if they were able to go,it would cost them too much money.
For these reasons, I think inviting Olympics is good for us.

文法のほか、文章構成なども指導していただけると嬉しいです。
あと受験が近くて緊張で体調が悪いです。一言応援メッセージをください！

回答No.1

angkolwhat · ベストアンサー

[添](削)

I think we should invite Olympics to somewhere in Japan(. I think)[,
because] it [will](would) benefit Japan in some respects.
First, holding Olympics is very profitable.
Indeed, it (would) cost[s] us much money, but [its] profit would be larger(than it).
It is because many foreign people come to Japan and spend much money.
[Second,](Moreover) if Olympic[ game]s were (been) held in Japan,
Japanese people could directly [enjoy them](see it) more easily.
When it is held in other countries, most Japanese people can't [afford to] go,
and even if [some of them](they) were able to go, it would cost them too much money.
For these reasons, I think inviting Olympics is good for us.

伝えたい内容がよく整理されていて好感が持てます．文法が少々破綻していても伝える力があります．簡潔に伝える力を武器にしてください．
ホーキング博士はひとりでは何も出来ないほどの体でありながら世界をリードし，物理を知らない人にも宇宙のへの夢を伝えています．出来ないことに目を向けるのは無駄です．

お礼

ありがとうございます。
褒めていただけてとても嬉しいです！

細かい文法にも気を配って書けるよう気をつけます。

回答No.2

kittenchan

はじめに。。

わたしならThink の変わりにBelieveを使用します。自分の力強い思いが相手にも伝わります。

[ ]は単語を少し変えたところ、( )は単語を付け足したところです。質問者様の文章はあまり触らないようにしました。

I [think →　believe that] we should invite Olympics to somewhere in Japan.
I [think →　believe] (this) would benefit Japan in some respects.
First(ly) , holding Olympics is very profitable.
Indeed, it would cost us [much money →　a lot(Costを使用しているのでMoneyを使用しなくともお金のことだとわかる)], [but →　however, (でも →　しかしながら、）] [profit would be larger than it → it could result in long term profits(長期的に見れば利益になる可能性がある）]

(It is必要なし.前の文章とつなげる) because many foreign people [come to →　will visit] japan and (may)spend [much money →　a lot(ここもSpendをしようしてるのでMoney は言う必要なし)]

Moreover(,) if Olympics were [been →　to be] held in Japan,
Japanese people could directly see it more easily.

When [it is →　they are: Olympicsは複数形]held in other countries, most Japanese people can't go,
and even if they were able to go,it would cost them too much （Costがあるのでmoney必要なし).
For these reasons, I [think →　believe] inviting Olympics is good for us.

これをきれいに書くと：

I believe that we should invite Olympics to somewhere in Japan.
I believe this would benefit Japan in some respects.
Firstly , holding Olympics is very profitable.
Indeed, it would cost us　a lot, however, it could result in long term profits because many foreign people will visit Japan and may spend a lot.

Moreover, if Olympics were to be held in Japan,
Japanese people could directly see it more easily.

When they are held in other countries, most Japanese people can't go,
and even if they were able to go,it would cost them too much.
For these reasons, I [think →　believe] inviting Olympics is good for us.

文章自体は内容もしっかりしていますので完璧にしようと思わなければ削除をしなくても十分理解可能です。自信を持ってください。

受験はストレスがたまりますが、がんばってくださいね！

お礼

ありがとうございます、自信が付きました！