英作文の添削をお願いします。

質問

長文で堅苦しい内容になってしまいましたが、添削をお願いします(^-^)
あと、これは大学入試用です。
TOPIC
starting foreign language education at a very early age is a good idea.

I'm for this opinion.
There are TWO reasons.First of all,clearly,little children aged up to three can absorb
a lot of information at a rate grown-ups cannot.Responsive to sound,they are very efficient learners of new language,
so they will be able to acquire two languages such as Japanese and English with little difficulty.This will be a good advance,
because they will have more time learning other important subjects,say math,science,histry,and so on.

Second,learning foreign language does not only mean you are learning how to read and write,but it also means
you are studying other culture.It must be great that you know several culture,
because it means you can understand things at global point of view without predudice.Acquiring such perspective is indispensable for people of today.

回答No.1

noname#126371 · ベストアンサー

I'm for this opinion.
There are TWO reasons.First of all,clearly,little children aged up to three can absorb a lot of information at a rate grown-ups cannot.Responsive to sound,they are very efficient learners of new language, (1)so they will be able to acquire two languages such as Japanese and English with little difficulty. This will be a good advance(2),because they will have more time learning other important　subjects,(3)say math,science,histry,and so on.

Second,learning foreign language does not only mean you are learning how to read and write,(4)but it also means you are studying other culture. It must be great that you know several culture(5), because (6)it means you can understand things at global point of view (7)without predudice. (8)Acquiring such perspective is indispensable for people of today.

(1)so they will be able to acquire two languages such as Japanese and English with little difficulty.
言い方が少し紛らわしいので、なるべくこのような表現は避けましょう。
例えばhave difficulty (in) Vingという形を用いて・・・
so they can have little difficulty learning two languages such as Japanese and Engrish.
と書くととても分かりやすいと思います。（－２点）

(2)カンマ不要・・・（減点の対象にはならないと思いますが、気をつけましょう。等位接続詞には基本カンマはつきません。ですがここでは厳しくつけます。－１点）

(3)やはりこの部分も難しい表現はさけましょう。先ほどのように「such as」で十分です。もし表現を避けたければ、「for example」などを使ってみましょう。とにかく簡単に。－２点

(4)not only A but (also) B　という表現なので、ここはbutの前にalsoが省略されていると考えると、it also means・・・は×。－３点

(5)やはりここもカンマ不要です。－１点

(6)表現が微妙ですね。ここは・・・
it let you have several global viewpoints ～とかいう風にしてみてはどうでしょう？

(7)？意味不明。－２点

(8)～ is indispensable（は絶対不可欠である。）ここまで強く具体的根拠が欠けています。importantとかだったら分かるのですが、indispensableとまで言い切るということはそのグローバルな視点がどのような場合において役に立つから、絶対不可欠なのか、ということまで説召しなければなりません。なので、ここは大きく減点です。－５点

「全体概視」
５０点中・・・３４点ぐらいかな？合格ラインだとは思いますし、全体の構造としてはまあまあ良いです。箇条書きのように書くのもいいでしょう。
ただ・・・全体的に難しい表現を使おうとして逆に意味が分かりにくくなっています。確かに長文などでよく書かれているだろう表現を使ってますが、そういうのは避けてもっと相手に対してわかりやすい表現で書きましょう。
もう一つ、全体的に具体的根拠が足りません。このような英作文の場合はパラグラフ・ライティングを用いるのが鉄則です。
主張→具体例→反対意見→再主張という流れで全体を書くともっと素晴らしくなると思います。
もう一度再検討してみましょう。

お礼

採点までありがとうございました。もっと簡単な表現で具体的に書かないといけないことが分かりました。参考にさせていただきます。

回答No.2

jpintexas（@jpintexas）

> First of all,clearly,little children aged up to three can absorb
a lot of information at a rate grown-ups cannot.

The statement is indirect and lacks clarity. You should say, "First, the children can learn language at a relatively early stage—as early as age 3 (or since they were born)."

> Responsive to sound,they are very efficient learners of new language, so they will be able to acquire two languages such as Japanese and English with little difficulty.

This sentence is wordy. Make sure to set your focus--children's ability to pick up language. "They(children)can pick up words and sounds by absorbing a lot of information—regardless of what language the parents speak."

>This will be a good advance,because they will have more time learning other important subjects,say math,science,histry,and so on.

Not sure what you mean by this. You need to explain how early learning of foreign language makes them ready to study core subjects at public school. This is not very convincing.

>Second,learning foreign language does not only mean you are learning how to read and write,but it also means you are studying other culture.

Whoops, you're talking about the importance of learning foreign language in general. This can't be a key sentence. You should rephrase the sentence like, "Second, learning foreign language at an early stage can cultivate children’s enthusiasm in foreign culture when they grow up."

>It must be great that you know several culture, because it means you can understand things at global point of view without predudice.Acquiring such perspective is indispensable for people of today.

#several culture/cultures
#"things": "such perspective" It's not very clear how you use these words in the sentence.

Comments: I think this is a good start to work on your compositions. Make sure to 1) bring your key statements first in the paragraphs, and 2) clarify your each key statement. Also, you need to work on your choice of words to develop your ideas.

お礼

ありがとうございました。ご指摘の通り、ところどころ書いている内容が主旨とずれていますね。気をつけたつもりでしたが甘かったです…
提示された注意点を踏まえ、改善していきます。。