• ベストアンサー
  • すぐに回答を!

英文を添削してください。

どなたか英文を添削していただけないでしょうか。 I had once come across Yakuza when I was going up in the lift in a building at Shinjuku. The door opned, and I was just going to step forward when I found five of them in it. I drew back in fear and shock, but then the boss orderd them to be gentlemen and let me in, and one of them near the door cleared the space for me. I thought it rude to turn down their invitation, and I went with them all the way up to my floor in dead silence. Finally I went off, bowing them several times, and had a big sigh of relief when the door shut them out. They scared me. Even without saying anything, their atmosphere made me feel so. But on the other hand, I was impressed by their courteous behavier. 言いたいことは以下のような感じです。 「以前に一度ヤクザと遭遇した事があります。新宿のビルのエレベーターに乗ろうとした時の事なんだけど、扉が開いたら中にヤクザが5人ぐらい乗ってたの。私はびっくりして後ずさったの。そうしたらヤクザの親分らしき人が他のヤクザに向かって『彼女を乗せてさしあげろ』って言ったの。扉の側に立っていたヤクザが私の為にスペースを作ってくれたんで、私は断るのもなんだなと思ってそのエレベーターに乗りました。私の目的の階に着くまでの間、エレベーターの中は全くの無言でした。私は彼らに向かって頭を下げながらエレベーターを降りました。扉が閉まった後で、大きなため息をつきました。彼らは黙っていても迫力があって怖かったです。でも礼節はちゃんとわきまえてる彼らの態度に感心もしました。」 おかしなところがあれば直していただきたいです、どうかお願いいたします m(_ _)m

共感・応援の気持ちを伝えよう!

  • 英語
  • 回答数3
  • 閲覧数93
  • ありがとう数5

質問者が選んだベストアンサー

  • ベストアンサー
  • 回答No.3
  • flyaway
  • ベストアンサー率19% (306/1541)

I had once come across Yakuza when I was going up in the lift in a building at Shinjuku. イギリス英語ならlift でいいですが、アメリカ英語だったらelevatorのほうがいいです。 The door opned, and I was just going to step forward when I found five of them in it. 前の文章の “when I was going up~” から “The door opened” となると、あなたがもうすでにエレベーターに乗っていて、ドアが開いて下りようとしたとき、といったイメージになります。ですから前の文は「エレベーターに乗ろうとした時」ということで “~when I was waiting for a lift (an elevator) in a building in Shinjuku” のほうがいいです。で、The door openedのまえに、エレベーターが来た、と一言つけたほうがいいと思います。The elevator arrived and its door opened, and as I stepped forward to go in I found five Yakuzas in it. って感じでどうでしょう。 I drew back in fear and shock, but then the boss orderd them to be gentlemen and let me in, and one of them near the door cleared the space for me. “cleared the space” よりも “made room” のほうがいいですね。 I thought it rude to turn down their invitation, and I went with them all the way up to my floor in dead silence. “invitation” よりも “gesture” 又は “offer” のほうがしっくり来ると思います。Invitationと言うと、実際に招待されたような感じですが、gesture だと「好意」といったニュアンスになります。 Finally I went off, bowing them several times, and had a big sigh of relief when the door shut them out. “I went off” は “ I got off” のほうがいいです。bowingのあとに “to”をつけましょう。 “had a big sigh of relief” は、 “let out a big sigh of relief” ですね。 “door shut them out”だと、ドアが彼らを閉め出した、と言う意味になります。彼らはエレベーターの中にいるので、閉め出すという表現は違和感があります。 “~when the door finally closed between us.”「やっと私たちの間のドアが閉まった」などでどうでしょう。ドアが閉まったことで、あなたと彼らの間に壁が出来たことを強調できると思います。 色々書きましたが、だいたいはそのままでも通じそうですよ。

共感・感謝の気持ちを伝えよう!

質問者からのお礼

エレベーターを待ってて、エレベーターが来て、その扉が開いて… ちゃんと丁寧に書かなきゃなりませんね(^^;) いただいた文例をぜひ使わせていただきます、ありがとうございました。他のご指摘も、全て納得です。忘れないように全てコピペして保存しておきます! 本当に助かりました、ありがとうございました。

その他の回答 (2)

  • 回答No.2
  • TonyB
  • ベストアンサー率55% (179/323)

すごくよく状況のわかる文章で、よいと思います。 でも添削をご希望なので、参考程度にお聞きください。 I had once come across Yakuza when I was going up in the lift in a building at Shinjuku. ここは二つの文章に分けたほうが良いのでは?日本語のとおり「以前に一度ヤクザと遭遇した事があります。」のあとはエピソードの内容になるので、 I had once come across Yakuza. It was when I was waiting for a lift in a building at Shinjuku. was going upでこれから上がるとも取れますが、リフトに乗っているようにも取れるので、そのあとリフトのドアが開くので素直にwas waitingでいいかと思います。 The door opned, and I was just going to step forward when I found five of them in it. 最初の文ではYakuzaは一般名詞として使っているので、ここではまだthemはYakuzaとすべきでしょう。 I drew back in fear and shock, but then the boss orderd them to be gentlemen and let me in, and one of them near the door cleared the space for me. draw backで後ろに下がると言う意味になるのでしょうか?stepped backで良いのでは? celarで場所を譲ると言う意味になるのでしょうか?gave up his space to meがしっくりくるかと思います。 I thought it rude to turn down their invitation, and I went with them all the way up to my floor in dead silence. invitationだと大げさなように思います。proposalかsuggestionぐらいで良いのでは? They scared me. Even without saying anything, their atmosphere made me feel so. 好みの問題ですが、 Even when they kept silence, their atmosphere made me scared and uneasy.と、まとめてしまってもいいと思います。 結局大きな文法的な誤りもないように見受けます。かえって注釈の方が間違えていそうな気がします。参考程度にお聞きください。

共感・感謝の気持ちを伝えよう!

質問者からのお礼

ハァ~ と納得できる説明ばかりです。大変参考になります。invitationはなんか大袈裟かなぁと私も感じておりました (^^;) よい表現をいただけて大変助かりました。 何度も読んでよく勉強させていただきます、本当にありがとうございました。

  • 回答No.1

 こんばんは。私のでよければ参考にしてください。気づいたことを箇条書きで。 (1):bowing と themの間にはtoが必要です。bowが他動詞のときは「目的語(頭など)を下げる、または目的語(人など)をかがませる」になるので、toがないとヤクザがおじぎしちゃいます。 (2):cleared the space for meは、「その場所をきれいにする、あるいは整理する」というようにも読めてしまいました。made room for meあたりが平易な表現でいいかと思います。 (3):shut ~ outの表現ですが、副詞のoutの効果で、エレベータから降りたのはヤクザであるかのように一瞬感じました。「締め出す」というニュアンスを持っているように思えるので、ここは単にshutで止めておくほうがよいかと思います。 (4):They scared me~made me feel so. うまく言えませんがなんとなく引っかかりました。私ならこう書いてみます。 I was scared by them or their pressure, although they didn't say anything or even hurt me at all.  文語だと感情表現をon the other handの前後でどちらも受動態にそろえるときれいかもしれません。  どちらかというと私は文法や文の構造に強いので、言葉のニュアンスについてはほかの方の意見も参考にしてみてください。 P.Sヤクザって固有名詞(大文字)でいいのかなあ…クオーテーションマークやイタリックで自分なら処理すると思うのですが、ほかの方そのへんどうでしょう?

共感・感謝の気持ちを伝えよう!

質問者からのお礼

ご指摘たくさんくださりありがとうございました! うっかり意味合いの違うことを相手に伝えてしまうところでしたね… 教えていただけて本当に助かりました! どうもありがとうございました (^^) P.S. ヤクザの表記については実は私も自信がないのです… ヤクザでぐぐって調べてみることにします。

関連するQ&A

  • 英文添削おねがいします。

    自分が今の仕事を選んだ理由を英文で書きました。 添削よろしくお願いします。 I was working as a guide helper when I was a university student. I chose the work related with the person with autisms because of that. I was mental disabilities person's guide helper. However, there were person with autisms in that, too. I had gone out to various places with them on the weekend. But there were a lot of people who have taken a turn in the park during a day. And some people went to the same place every time. When I went out with the person, who lives in group home, She said "I don’t know why I am here, and I want to go home.” And she cried. At that time, I was working as a part-time job. Therefore, I did not neatly know their detailed situations. But I doubted that "Is their life good as today?" in many times. Of course, there were a lot of happiness and goodness, too. However, doubted things very strongly impression in me. So I thought that I want to help the individuals diagnosed with autism to be able to spend the full life happier than now. Therefore, I have chosen the current job that was able to be more deeply related with the person with autism.

  • 英文添削お願いします。

    英文添削お願いします。 On October Second ‘10 I had a holiday and went to car dealer. First, I went to Toyota to see Estima. As soon as I went there, I did test-drive one. It was comfortable, but it wasn’t more comfortable Alfard and Velfire. When all of salesman find I decided to buy a car, they surve me with the greatest survice. After Toyota, I went to Honda. But there was not a car I wanted. When I was about to leave the shop, the salesman tried to prevent me from leaving there by this way and that. When I was feeling an awkward situation, my mobile phone rang at a good timing. It called from Toyota and told me to leave my bag. I left there at once and came back Toyota to receive it. As soon as I arrived at there, the salesman brought my bag to me. I felt I was lucky, as I left the shop. If I left it another place, it wouldn’t come back me.

  • 英文日記の添削お願いいたします。

    A young couple was chav in appearance asked me to take them to a place in a car during driving in the middle of midnight. I listened to them through the window at first. However eventually opened the window and get them to hailed taxi despited I decided never to open the window and door. I talked a driver and handed them some papers. (cos they said that they had not enough money and it seemed true) They thanked me very much repeatedly. I found I felt regret for both my acts what I gave cold shoulder and what I opened the window when I saw that attitude. Such situations that force with a rang of choices often turn up in life. Wondering if my judgment was decent somewhat. 宜しくお願いいたします。

  • 英文添削お願いします。

    英文添削お願いします。 October 4th ‘10 I went out to drink with my entering in the same year after work. I thought it was enjoyable for me. I don’t need to care for them and I can talk anything I think. I wander a drink of yesterday will not be same. And I wander I have to go to drink a place I wouldn’t like to. I have to think it is a business. Is it happy life for us to do so?

  • 英文訳してください

    On the morning of that day,a big bomb fell on the city of Hiroshima. Many people lost their lives,and many others were injured. They had burns all over their bodies. I was very sad when l saw those people. It was a very hot day. Some of the people fell down near me. I said to them,"Come and rest in my shade.You'll be all right soon." お願いします(・・*)

  • 英文の添削をお願いします!!

    英語が非常に苦手なものです(泣)明日英語のスピーチがあるのですが、時間がないので助けてほしいです!よろしくお願いします!! 英文:I love a trip. I tell that I went to Fukushima for snowboarding with a friend the other day. I got on a night coach from night of January 17 and went to the Daira, Adachi plateau of Fukushima. When it arrived at the inn, it was about 4:00 of the morning. The feeling was excited, but I fell asleep once and I got up for 8 carrier 30 minutes of the morning and went to the slope by bus. When I arrived at the slope, one area was very clean by snow. I changed into a wear at once and went to be slippery. I did not have experience of the snowboarding so far, and this time was the first challenge. I had there was a good child to a friend, and the child teach it from the beginning. I fell down first and. However, I got possible to glide alone while I slipped a lot. When I got possible to glide, I was very glad. It was fearful to step on the lift, but got possible to get on a lift first. I want to thank a friend.  I entered the hot spring at night. I have a feeling that a tired body softened by the effect of the hot spring. It was very comfortable. The supper ate sukiyaki. Vegetables and meat were very delicious.  I gathered in one room together and played a game while eating a cake and talked afterwards. It was the future and talked about a thing of the love, an interesting thing in various ways. It was good to be able to do a deep talk. I made a tour of Fukushima on the second day. I walked the neighborhood and took a photograph with a digital camera. There were footbathing and a lake and a Shinto shrine in the neighborhood of the inn. Powdery snow fell, and the circumference was surrounded in the silver world and was very beautiful when I took a walk through a lake on the way. And I returned to the house on the night coach again. I became the very good memory. I want to do a lot of trips from now on. I go to the land and want to watch various things in spite of being a feeling with skin. Thank you. 日本語:私は旅行が大好きです。こないだ友達と福島にスノボーに行った時の話をします。 私は1月17日の夜から夜行バスに乗り、福島の安達太良高原に行きました。宿に着いたときは朝の4時頃でした。気持はわくわくしていましたが、一旦眠りにつき、朝の8持30分に起床してバスでゲレンデに向かいました。 ゲレンデに着いたとき、辺りは一面雪でとてもきれいでした。早速ウエアに着替え、滑りに行きました。私は今までにスノボーの経験がなくて、今回が初挑戦でした。友達に上手な子がいてその子に一から教えてもらいました。最初は転んでばかりでした。しかし、たくさん滑っているうちに一人で滑れるようになりました。滑れるようになった時はとても嬉しかったです。最初はリフトに乗ることも怖かったのですが、リフトにも乗れるようになりました。私は友達に感謝したいです。  夜は温泉に入りました。疲れた体が温泉の効果によって和らいだ気がします。とても気持ち良かったです。夕飯はすきやきを食べました。野菜やお肉がとてもおいしかったです。  その後はみんなでひとつの部屋に集まり、お菓子を食べながらゲームをしたり、語ったりしました。将来のこと、恋愛のこと、面白かったことなど色々な話しをしました。深い話ができてよかったです。 二日目は福島めぐりをしました。近辺を歩いてデジカメで写真を撮りました。宿の近くには足湯や湖や神社がありました。途中、湖を散策していると、粉雪が降ってきて周りが銀世界に包まれてとても綺麗でした。 そしてまた夜行バスに乗り、家に帰りました。 とてもいい想い出になりました。私はこれからもたくさん旅をしていきたいです。その土地へ行って肌で感じながら色々なものをみていきたいです。 ありがとうございました。

  • 添削していただけませんか?

    この和文を英訳したのですが、学生でも使えるような文法や単語を使って添削していただけませんか?よろしくお願いいたします。 I went to Miyajima.There is a World Heritage site called "Itukushima Shrine."The vivid red color left an impression on me.When the tide is high, the Great Torii appears floating in the sea.You can walk to the torii at low tide.When I went near the torii, I was surprised at the size.I felt the greatness and mystery of nature.You can enjoy eating and walking in Miyajima."Especially, there were many kinds of mizu-buns, so I wondered which one to eat."There was also a rare rice bun called fried bun.Everything was delicious.

  • (1)以下の英文について教えてください。

    There were six of them, the best and bravest of the hero's companions. Turning back from his post in the bows, Odysseus was in time to see them lifted, struggling, into the air, to hear their screams, the desperate repetition of his own name. The survivors could only look on, helplessly, while Scylla "at the mouth of her cave devoured them, still screaming, still stretching out their hands to me in the frightful struggle." And Odysseus adds that it was the most dreadful and lamentable sight he ever saw in all his "explorations of the passes of the sea." We can believe it; Homer's brief description (the too poetic simile is a later interpolation) convinces us. Later, the danger passed, Odysseus and his men went ashore for the night and, on the Sicilian beach, prepared their supper—prepared it, says Homer, ‘expertly.’ The Twelfth Book of the Odyssey concludes with these words. “When they had satisfied their thirst and hunger, they thought of their dear companions and wept, and in the midst of their tears sleep came gently upon them.” この英文について質問があります。 Turning back from his post in the bowsというのは、bowsが「矢」で、postが「持ち場」の意味になるのでしょうか? Later, the danger passed, Odysseus and his men went ashore for the night and, on the Sicilian beach, prepared their supper—prepared it, says Homer, ‘expertly.’ ここのsays Homer, ‘expertly.’というのは、Homerが"Odysseus"を上手く書いた、という意味ですか? また、prepared their supper—prepared itのハイフンの意味がよくわからない感じです。言い換えているのはなぜなのか?? お手数をおかけしますが、よろしくお願いします。 (2)に続きます。 ---------------Tragedy and the Whole Truth: Aldous Huxley

  • 英文の添削お願いします。

    課題文:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Young people should start to live on their own and become indepentent of their parents as early as possible.Give reasons to support your opinion. 解答: (1)I think young people should start to live on their own and become independent of their parents as early as possible. (2)I think so because,when they start working they will have to do everything by theirselves.Their parents won't help them any more.If they are not independent of their parents,they cannot work. (3)Second, if they start to live on their own,they will know that doing houseworks such as making meals,cleaning rooms is hard work. (4)And the most important reason is that,when they have their children,they have to teach their children a lot of things by them selves.If they are not indepentent of their parents,they can't raise their children properly. (5)I have friends who live on their own.They are doing everything by theirselves,so they look confident. (6)With above reasons I think young peole should start to live on their own and becomeindependent of their parents.約150words,30分 TOEFL対策の問題です。 後々読み直してみると、 firstがないのにsecondを使ったり、 一番大事な理由を述べているパラグラフの位置が中途半端だったり、 無駄にパラグラフを多くしてしまった点がよくなかったように思います。 文章構成・表現・文法なんでも稚拙な部分が多くあると思うので直したほうがよい所やアドバイスがあったらぜひ教えてください。 よろしくお願いします。

  • 英文の添削をお願いします。

    次の4つの英文を、和訳にあわせて添削していただきたいのですが、 ならべく使ってある単語を元に添削してほしいです。 1.斉藤さんはプレイ中、パスしたがらない Saito is relutant to pass to team mate in playing game. 2.事務所に閉じ込められた僕は仕事をした I was at work when i was confined in the company. 3.僕は高校1年生のころ、新聞配達のバイトをした I was dispensed the news paper when i am high school. 4.斉藤さんはプレイ中は必ず一回はパスするという誓いを立てた Saito pledged to pass for me in playing game.