エッセーの添削おねがいします。
文法だけでなくここはこう言ったほうがいいんじゃない？みたいなのもありました、どうぞ教えてください。
Education System of Two Countries
It is the common objective of educational system in any countries to foster its citizens to become productive members of its society. Every country has its own education system. Two countries United States and Japan have also their own education systems. After World War II, the Japanese education system was built based on American's education system, so the education system in the United States and Japan have a lot in common fundamentally. American and Japanese educational principle is similar; however, the entrance processes are quite different.
At first glance, pursuing university education of American and Japanese universities
appears to be straightforward. The basic system seems to be identical. Both countries
have two-year university, four-year university and technical school. Students enter
college after they have graduated from high school, or simply demonstrate their ability to
get higher education. Students can take any classes that they wish to take and they are free
to devote most of their time to education. Both countries put from 6 years to 15 years old
children under an obligation to be taken education.
Even though American and Japanese university basic system seems to be identical,
the entrance processes are vary significantly. In America, compared with Japanese university,
it is easy to enter university. Students do not have to take the admission examination for
entrance, but all students need is just submit the required documents like high school
transcript. So students need to get good grade in high school.
When students enter university, they are not required the good academic skills. However, it is
difficult to get units and graduate from university, because they have to show their good
skills in the class, so not a few students who can’t get the units and it take much
time to graduate. In short, students who want to enter American university need to study
hard after entering university.
On the other hand, at Japanese university, it is difficult to enter university. Students have to take admission examination instead of submitting the required documents to enter. For Japanese universities, it differs from American universities in that you need to take an entrance exam for the specific university. If you pass the exam then your high school grades don’t matter at all. In short, contrary to American university, students who wish to enter Japanese university need to study hard before entering university.
To conclude, while basically, American and Japanese education system are similar, the entrance processes to enter university are poles apart.
お礼
なるほど、では省略がbestなんですね！ 詳しい解答をありがとうございます(^^) そして、下の方の文なのですが、「4人のうち3人が」という要素が抜けていると判断されないですかね？ネイティブ的にはOKなんでしょうか？