英文添削お願いします。

質問

英文添削お願いします。
英語再勉強中です。特に過去形と完了形の使い分けに悩んでいます。
よろしくお願いします。

（日本文）
400年前日本の首都は京都から東京へ移った。
しかし、当時東京は江戸と呼ばれていた。
そのころ、徳川家康がこの国を制覇し、長い平和をもたらした。
これは260年間、14代に渡り、鎖国という方法により続いた。
しかしながら、この間にいくつかの国で産業革命が起こり、日本の国力が低下し、植民地化に直面した。
その対策として、不平等条約と共に日本はいかなる国に対しても国を開いた。

（英文）
The capital of Japan moved to Tokyo from Kyoto about 400 years ago.
But at those days Tokyo was called Edo.
At the day Ieyasu Tokugawa conquered this nation and brought a long peace.
This had been for 260 years during 14 successive reigns by the way of closed country.
The Industry Revolution occurred in some countries during this, however the power of Japan had been decreasing and faced on being planted a colony.
As that countermeasure, Japan opened for any countries with an unequal treaty.

回答No.2

myrtille54 · ベストアンサー

まず添削からさせていただきます。

The capital of Japan moved to Tokyo from Kyoto about 400 years ago.
特に問題なし。

But at those days Tokyo was called Edo.
in those daysのほうが一般的です。

At the day Ieyasu Tokugawa conquered this nation and brought a long peace.
とくに問題なし。

This had been for 260 years during 14 successive reigns by the way of closed country.
Thisが明瞭でないので、The era had continued...のほうがわかりやすいです。過去完了はうまく使えています。

The Industry Revolution occurred in some countries during this, however the power of Japan had been decreasing and faced on being planted a colony.
howeverは接続しとして用いることができません。He, however, did not come to the party.のように、間に入れる場合は、カンマで区切り、2つの文をつないでいるわけではないということに留意しましょう。
またfaced on being planted a colonyはわかりにくくなっていますので、植民地化の危機に面したのような言い方に変えましょう。

As that countermeasure, Japan opened for any countries with an unequal treaty.
とくに問題はありませんが、As that countermeasureが少しだけ曖昧です。unequal treatiesのほうがいいかもです。

過去と過去完了はうまくつかえていると思いますよ！

例)Four hundred years ago, the capital of Japan was moved from Kyoto to Tokyo, which was then called Edo. Ieyasu Tokugawa had reigned this land, and his fourteen successors brought a longlasting security for 260 years by dint of national seclusion. However, the industrial revolution waked up in several countries forced relative Japanese power to dwindle and the land itself to be faced with possible colonization. To counteract the trend, Japan opend its diplomatic relations together with unequal treaties.

お礼

早々に親切な回答ありがとうございました。
また、よろしくおねがいします。
which was then called Edo
上のthenがわからないのですが・・・

回答No.1

sayshe

<添削例>

The capital of Japan was moved from Kyoto to Tokyo about 400 years ago, when Ieyasu Tokugawa conquered this nation and brought a long peace.
Tokyo was called Edo in those days, however.
This state continued for 260 years during 14 successive reigns by the way of closed country policy.
Industrial revolutions occurred in some countries during this period, while the national power of Japan decreased in the meantime and faced colonialization.
As the countermeasure, Japan opened the country to any country with unequal treaties.

<コメント>

第2文と第3文は入れ替えた方が良いように思いました。そして、第1文と第3文を1文にまとめてしまいました。また、徳川政権によって遷都した訳ですので、was moved と受け身にしてみました。「当時」は at those days ではなく in those days だと思います。260年間続いたのは過去完了にせず、continued とする方が時制を気にせずに済むのではないでしょうか?
第5文の産業革命はイギリスで起こった有名な物を the Industrial Revolution と大文字にして呼ぶのではと思います。ここでは、大文字にせず、定冠詞の the も取り除きました。そして、「一方その間に」と言う意味で while で後の文に続けてみました。

また、訳例を2つ作ってみました。構成は、日本文の構成に合わせました。

<example 1>

The Japanese capital was moved from Kyoto to Tokyo 400 years ago.
However, Tokyo was called Edo in those days.
Ieyasu Tokugawa conquered this country and brought long harmony at that time.
This state continued for 260 years during 14 successive reigns by seclusion policy.
However, industrial revolutions occurred in some countries during this period , and the Japanese strength of a nation fell and faced colonization.
As the countermeasures, Japan opened the country with unequal treaties for any kind of country.

<example 2>

The capital of Japan moved from Kyoto to Tokyo 400 years ago.
However, Tokyo was called Edo at that time.
Ieyasu Tokugawa conquered this country, and the long peace was brought in those days.
This continued for 260 years (14 generations) by national isolation policy.
However, industrial revolutions began meanwhile in some countries, while the national power of Japan decreased, and it faced the colonialization.
Japan opened up the country with unequal treaties for any country as the answer.

お礼

早々に回答ありがとうございました。
添削のほか、２つも例文ありがとうございます。