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添削お願いします

私はこの主張(高校を卒業したら親から独立すべきだ)に賛成です。 まず私は大学では自分で考える習慣を身につけるべきだと考えます。 私達は一人暮らしをすると、今まで他の誰かにやってもらってた事も 自分でやらねばなりません。 そして、そのとき、私達は今までの知識から、知恵を生み出さなくてはなりません。 それらの知識は社会にでたときに役立ちます。 しかし、多かれ少なかれ一人暮らしには短所もあるといえる。 ほとんど勉強しなくなるかもしれない事です。 これらが私の主な意見です。 I agree to this opinion. First of all,I think,in campus life, we have to get a habit of thinking by myself. As we live alone,in life, we should do almost everyting most of them were done by someone ever before. So,then,we have to make wisdom from our knowledge. These wisdom help us anyway when we graduate from school and get into society. But,it can also be said living alone have more or less risks. In living alone,some people whould spent time playing and whould not study well. These are my chief opinion. 色々とひどいと思いますが、お願いします。

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  • 英語
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  • mabomk
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In principle I agree with this opinion. We have to get independent from patent when we are starting campus life at university. We have to do everything in daily life by ourselves after starting own life. During such period, we are learning a lot how to cope with new life. I am sure such experience will help us a lot when we are starting to work. However, I feel rather uneasy when I start my independent life, this is to say, I may be lazier student, more or less, as nobody watches me. 推敲無しで、極々簡単に殴り書きしてみました、参考になる箇所がもし万が一でも有れば、参考にして下さい。

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  • 回答No.1

頑張っているようなので、ポイントだけ。 カンマ多すぎです。 カンマを使うのは本来の文法順に逆らって、日本語調に英作しているからです。 まずカンマを一切なくしてみましょう。 次にlive aloneは無人島のようなところで単独で生きるという意味で一人暮らしの意味に使うのは無理があります。 金銭的にも一人暮らしなのか、家事だけの一人暮らしなのかでも言い方が違います。 最後にあいまい表現が多すぎです。 例えばalmost everyting most of themはいったい何が言いたいのでしょう。 このあたりを整理して作文すればもっと引き締まった内容になるでしょう。

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