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自然な会話文になるように、添削をお願いします。-3-

Cathy: Hey. There she is. Morning, Alice. Alice: Oh. Morning, Cathy. C: How did it go yesterday? Tell me. A: Well... It was not something I expected, but ended up great, I guess.〈g〉 C: What happened, exactly? Come on! A: Okay. We were meeting together at a movie theater... C: Oh? He didn't pick you up? He doesn't drive? A: Sure he does. It's just that his parents don't let him drive alone for now. C: Okay. Then? A: I got there a bit early, so waited for him... drinking some coffee... and when I saw him coming up, my brain stopped... The next moment, he was standing in front of me and saying "Hi", smiling. C: Wow! A: ... Well, I was just swept off my feet by his very cool line of "Hi" and ... I... C: Alice? A: I... spilled coffee on my clothes... C: Oh, no! You okay? Didn't get burned? A: No, it wasn't that hot any more, but... C: I know how you feel, Alice... I'd rather die, if I were you... A: Yeah, I was embarrassed and almost started to cry, actually. But, Cathy, he said to me this way, as he took his jacket off and handed it to me. "Don't you worry. You wanna come to my place to get it cleaned, okay? I know my mom's expecting you to come and would be more than happy to take care of this. And besides, I wanna spend some more time with you. Alice, is it okay to call my mom and ask her to pick us up?" ... I think I'm in love, Cathy... C: He's so sweet! No wonder you never looked better... Well, Alice... I wanna ask you something... He has any brothers? A: Oh, come on! お時間ありましたら、お願い致します。

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質問者が選んだベストアンサー

  • ベストアンサー
  • 回答No.1
  • akijake
  • ベストアンサー率43% (431/992)

おはようございます! また細かくなるかもしれませんが、気になったところを二つだけ・・・。 Cathy: Hey. There she is. Morning, Alice 最初のここですが、Cathyの他に何人かといて 「ほら、彼女が来たよ」って感じなのでしょうか? もし、Cathyが1人で居るところにAliceが来て、「あら、来たわね」みたいなニュアンスだと、 There you are. を使うかな、と思ったのですが・・・。 前者だろうな、とは思うのですが、後の会話がずっと二人なので気になって一応書いてみました。 meeting together 二人っきりの待ち合わせの時に、あまりこの使い方はしないように思います。 meeting up とかだと自然かなぁと。 あと、これは完全に私が個人的に感じた印象ですが、 You wanna come to my place to get it cleaned, okay? この台詞が妙に強引というか勝手というか・・・な感じがしました。 多分okayのせいでしょうか? okayをつけないほうが、「よかったら来ない?」と相手の意思を気遣ってる印象が出るかもしれません。 うーん、実際に話す時のイントネーションもありますが、単に私がこういう言い方されるのが嫌だからなのかも・・・。 すごい簡単にですが、ご参考まで^^*

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akijakeさん、こんにちは。 返信遅くなって申し訳ありません! 回答ありがとうございます。 >Hey. There she is. すみません、これは、 ちょっと離れたところからAliceを見つけて、”あ、来た来た!”の感じです。 そのあと、距離が近づいて"Morning..."です。 書き方悪いですね。 ごめんなさい。 (ちなみにここは2人だけの設定です) >meeting up とかだと自然かなぁと >この台詞が妙に強引というか勝手というか >okayをつけないほうが ありがとうございます! 場面を自分なりに想像して書いているので、 思い込んでいるところも多々あります。 ご意見をいただくことで、自分が書いたものに対して 違った見方をすることができます。 …なんだか、楽しいです。^^ お忙しいなか、いつも本当にありがとうございます! それでは!^^

その他の回答 (1)

  • 回答No.2
  • Yule
  • ベストアンサー率63% (7/11)

添削と言うほどでもない参考意見ですが… 1行目の Cathy: Hey. There she is. Morning, Alice. ですが、 もし「あぁ、いたいた。」と相手を探していて今見つけたというニュアンスでしたら、 Hey を使うよりは Oh,there she is. とOh を使うと自分に呟いているような表現になると思います。 もし独り言ではなく、相手に向けている言葉なのでしたら There you are. にすると自然かもしれません。 4行目のIt was not something I expected, but ended up great, I guess. では、 いきなり it が使われ、それが何を指すのかが分かりづらく少しだけ引っかかりました。 いっそ Something を文頭に持ってきて Something I didn't expect happened, but... なんてやるとより伝わりやすくなるかなぁなんて思いますが、好みの問題かもしれません(^^) 同じく好みの問題かもしれないのですが、 20行目、But, Cathy, he said to me this way, as he took his jacket off and handed it to me. の所は he said to me this way と、「こう言ったの」と言っていますのでどう言ったかがその直後に来ると 会話がよりスムーズになる気がします。 But, Cathy, as he took off his jacket and handed it to me, he said to me this way; ジャケットを脱いで…の下りを現在進行形にしてもまたいいかもしれません。

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質問者からのお礼

こんにちは。 アドバイスありがとうございます。 >Oh,there she is. とOh を使うと自分に呟いているような表現に ありがとうございました。 >いっそ Something を文頭に持ってきて いろいろな言い方を覚えられたらいいな、と思っています。 教えてくださった言い方も是非使ってみたいです。 >どう言ったかがその直後に来ると会話がよりスムーズに そうですね。 ここは迷いました。 as以下が長いので、前に出すのをやめてしまいましたが…。 >現在進行形にしてもまたいいかも 以前にこのカテで教えていただいたことがあります。 次回は是非使ってみたいと思います。 お時間いただき、ありがとうございました。^^

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