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添削お願いします。良い表現もあればぜひっ!

My favorite vacation is that I go to a near mall with my friends or visit their house just for fun. Probably,you think very normal day,but it is very precious time for me. If we will graduate from university in two years 'time,we will probably live in another place each. So,I want to cherish it's time with them. Of course,I like other events which are festival,taking a trip,and so on. Thank you for reading and improving my English. (2) Dear. teacher I am from Japan and live in Kyoto Prefecture. I like sports. Especially,baseball is better than any other sport. Ih fact,I played it and wanted to become a professional baseball player when I was a child,it was my dream. But I don't play it now. At times I go to a baseball stadium with friends to cheer my fun team. I don' t play it there,but I have a another dream now. すみませんがお願いします><

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  • 回答No.2

文法的、不自然な表現を訂正させていただきました。 1)My favourite vacation is that → going to (not that I go to) aあと、a near mall ですがこれは不自然ですね。a nearby mall, a neighboring mall,もしくはa mall in the neighborhoodがベターだと思います。 2)you think very normal ですがthink のあとにS,Vが抜けています。これは省略できません。僕ならちなみにYou might think it's not so exciting,but it's really special time for me. 3)If we will graduate from...ですがIfなどに続いて副詞節を形成する節の中ではwillが用いられることはありません。after,before,when,untilなどなどですね。先の方と同じようにonceを使うほうが一度卒業してしまうと会うのが難しいというニュアンスを伝えるのに適していると思います。 4)So,I want to... ですがsoは前の文の結果を導いているので単独の文を作ることはありません。したがって前の文に続いて,so I want toとなります。またit's time もit's が何を指すのか明確ではありませんね。our timeとするのがいいでしょう。またもし使うとしてもit's ではなくitsですね。 5)other events which are...ですがeventsの修飾ではなく例を挙げているのでwhichを使うのは適切ではありません。such as を使うのがいいと思います。僕でしたらここの文はIn addition,I also like participating in festival and traveling.ですかねえ。 6)最後のThank you...をこの質問に答えてくれている人にあてたものであればThank you for reading.で十分だと思いますよ。improving.. は不自然ですねえ。僕が書くならIt would help me to improve my English skill.と付け加える程度かもしれませんが必要ではないと思います。 7)先生にあてた手紙ですね。Dear. teacherですがDearのあとにピリオドは要りません。代わりにteacherのあとに,(コンマ)がいります。蛇足になりますがもし先生の名前がわかっているのであればDear Mr/Mrs/Ms+Last name とするのがフォーマルな手紙の書き方です。間違っても目上の人に手紙を出す時にファーストネームは使ってはいけません。 8)I like sports..のくだりも先の人の通りI like sports,especially baseball. が適切だと思います。文法的な間違いとかではなくいかに文章を簡潔に書くかということが重要だからです。 9)In fact...についてですが、ここも少しまどろっこしい感じになっているのでIn fact/Actually, (when I was a child) I used to play it and becoming a professinal baseball player was my dream.のような感じがいいのではないでしょうか? 10)But...についても先ほどのsoの時と同じで単独の文章でBut...となることはありません。前の文章とつなげて,but...としなければなりません。参考までに。...,but I don't play any more. 11)At timesがどのような意図で使われたのか解かりませんが僕は少なくともこのような表現は見たことがないですねえ。文脈から推測するに。たまに友達と好きなチームを応援しに球状へ行ったりします、ということだと思いますが、それならば僕ならI sometimes go to a baseball stadium with my friends to cheer my favourite team.と、するかな。。friendsの前にmyは要りますね。あとfun team という表現ですがfunは愉快な、とか楽しませるものと言う意味ですね。日本で使われているような何処何処のファンと言うような意味は英語ではfanになります。それでもfan teamと言う使い方はしないでしょう。日本語英語ですね。 12)a anotherではなく単にanotherですねanotherそのものがan +otherからできたもので他の(一つの)ものという意味ですからね。 最後に手紙の締め方ですがI look forward to your reply.やI would be glad to hearing you.などがあります。あと、手紙の最後ですが 先生などの目上の人に対しては名前がわかっていればYours Sincerely, 名前がわかっていない場合はYours Faithfully,となります。   長々となりましたが参考になりましたら幸いです。僕もまだ勉強中の身ですがこちらも勉強させていただきました。

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  • 回答No.1

文法の誤りを訂正したり、より自然な言い回しへ修正した結果、以下のようになりました。 少々変えすぎな気もしますので、 ご自身で元のものと見比べてみて、残したいところは残していかれればよいかと思います。 「Thank you for reading and improving my English. 」 の部分は少々意図がわからなかったのですが、 通常は「Thank you for reading.」でOKです。 My favorite way to spend a vacation is to go to a mall in the neighbor with my friends or to visit their houses just for fun. Maybe it sounds too ordinary, but these are very precious times for me. Once we graduate university two years later, my friends and I will probably move away and live far from each other. So I want to spend time with them as much as possible. Needless to say, I do other things such as going to a festival or taking a trip during a vacation. Thank you for reading and improving my English.(???) (2) Dear teacher, I am from Japan and currently living in Kyoto Prefecture. I like sports, especially baseball. I used to play it when I was a child and becoming a baseball player was my dream. Althogh I don't play anymore, I sometimes go see a baseball game with my friends and watch my favoirte team. Instead I now have a new dream.

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質問者からの補足

ありがとうございます。 出来れば文法的にどこが間違っているかご指摘頂けるとこれからの参考になります。 あと、アドバイス的なものもあれば助かります。 あと、回答者様の文はいろいろ参考になりました、ありがとうございます。

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