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大学留学応募の際のエッセイについて

お願いします。下記のお題でエッセイを提出します。文法、文章の流れなど添削頂けると涙が出るほど助かります。 大学側の題：What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements? (200 words or less) 私のエッセイ：I filled with spirit than anyone else. I used to work as door to door sales man about 10 years ago. To sale a $3,000 water cleaner, I would often visit more than 100 houses everyday. At that time, Japanese were not only so interested in that device but also they usually drank tap water. In those days, people used to think that purchasing water was ridiculous and say “drink tap water!” Great majority of Japanese was not interested in water. Therefore, I was always turned down and was jeered and yelled by them. Some people scattered salt at me. It means driving away evil sprit. I believed that I could find a customer as long as I do not give in. I became discouraged several times. Nevertheless, I had kept knocking a door hundred of times and then I had encountered a customer. At sales convention, I was awarded a first prize among over 1,000 company members. Through this precious experience, I learned patience and must have been paid off and I understood that if people make efforts desperately, God presents us a miracle. My weakness was turned to strength. This life experience is my treasure. (197 words) よろしくお願いします＜（＿　＿）＞

  • 英語
  • 回答数2
  • ありがとう数4

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  • ベストアンサー
  • kanakyu-
  • ベストアンサー率30% (1916/6194)
回答No.2

文法の修正も大切ですが、エッセイの中身が心配になりました。 セールスがあるときを境にうまく行くようになった・・人生が変わるような転機だった、最終的には自信に繋がった、といった感じですよね？ただたくさんの家を回った、ということしか表現されておらず、そこに何が起こったのか、感動するポイントが表現されてませんでした。 このようなタイプのセールスは、信頼関係や、セールスのスタイルが物をいうのです。ただたくさん回って、たまたま買ってもらえたなのでしょうか？ （もし本当にそれだけなら、地道に足で稼ぐ忍耐を学んだ、お客さんとのどのような良い出会いがあった、という点を強調したらよいと思います） おそらく、そのセールスで、あなたは変わったのでしょう。 人との信頼関係を築く、相手への思いやり、 必死に粘り抜いて目標を達成する、そういうものを学んで、 だからお客さんがつくようになったのでしょう。 留学にも、そういう特性は大切です。 あなたが何を学び、セールススタイルがどのように変わり、お客さんとどのようなコミュニケーション、信頼関係が生まれたのか、 などなど、そういう「感動」の部分と、だから自分は留学の際もそのような特性をこのように生かせる、留学の経験を持ち帰って、日本でこのように生かしたい、といった「説得」の部分が、もっと強調されたらよいと思います。 せっかくよい経験があるのですから、表現力で落ちたらもったいないです。 中身については、まず日本語で書いて見られたらどうでしょうか。 最初から英語で書いていると、母国語と違って感情がついて来にくいので、強調したいところが強調できていなかったり、無駄な部分が冗長になったりします。 わたしは、現在私費留学中です。 英語学校に昨年行き、今は現地のカレッジに通ってます。 公費留学に選抜されたものの、高校生だったので、家族の反対で断念した経験があります。 大人になってからの留学です。 それでも、親や周囲を説得し、安心してもらうため、渡航前に英検準一級取得したり、TOEICなどを頑張ったりもしました。 本当に行きたければ、絶対に行けます。 でも、できるなら、選ばれて、行ってきてくださいね。応援してます。

malibu0426
質問者

お礼

大変心のこもったご回答を頂き感謝します 頂いたアドバイスを元に再度作り変えましたのでまた機会があればよろしくお願いします

その他の回答 (1)

  • ybnormal
  • ベストアンサー率50% (220/437)
回答No.1

すみませんが、前回の訂正が不十分だったようで文の意味がおかしくなってしまいました。再度訂正させていただきます。 Japanese were not only so interested in that device の下りは、interestedを否定する内容にすべきでした。例えば、less interestedとか... kept knocking a door hundred -> kept knocking on a door hundred 素人考えですが、気になったところは、 At that time, Japanese were not only (less) interested in that device but also they usually drank tap water しっくりこないような気がします。水道水を飲めることが浄水器に興味がない理由だとすると、not only, but alsoを使うのがいいのかどうかは疑問です。 Great majority of Japanese was not interested in water 日本人は水はタダだと思っていたから興味を示さなかっただけで、水そのものに関心がなかったというわけではありませんよね。文脈からいいたいことは分かりますが、上の文だと水に関心が無いという意味になってしまいます。 Some people scattered salt at me. It means driving away evil sprit これは関係代名詞でも使って一文にしたほうが意味が分かりやすそうですが。。 Nevertheless以降が過去完了になっているのはどうしてですか？ Patience andのあとに何か抜けているか、andが余計か？ evil sprit -> evil spirit

malibu0426
質問者

お礼

再度ご回答頂きありがとうございます また作り変えましたので機会があれば是非よろしくお願いします

  1. カテゴリ
  2. 学問・教育
  3. 語学
  4. 英語

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