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英作文の添削をお願いします

自由英作文の添削をお願いします テーマ:A large earthquake event is expected in the Tokai area in the near future. Describe the preparations you would make in anticipation of such a disaster. If a disastrous earthquake were to occur while you were studing at this university, what would you do? 条件:3パラグラフ以上、150字以上、序論・本論・結論が明確であること   It is often said that a large earthquake occurs in the Tokai area in the near future. As I experienced the large earthquake in the Tohoku area the other day, I am very nervous about such disasters and highly motivated to prepare them. Through my experience, you should always prepare some degree of water and prepared food for a disastrous earthquake. It is because even a convenience store is closed just after a large earthquake. Next, if a disastrous earthquake were to occur while I were studying at this university, it would expected that many people are in panic. I know being in panic lead a second disaster. Thus, I would let students around me keep calm down, get out of this university, and move to safety area like play ground. After doing this, I would offer the leader’s instruction. This would make damages of a disaster as less as possible. Although you are often told to prepare a large disaster, you may do not know how to prepare for it. Preparing water and prepared food is necessary, of course, but it is more important that you talk about what would you do when a disastrous earthquake were to occur with people around you in daily life in advance. I believe that many people always imagine this may lessen the serious damages.(222words) 本日は英語の試験時間である90分の最初に英作文を書きはじめました(いつもは最後でした) 時間は35分近くかかってしまいましたが、自分としてはいつもの作文より筋がとおっているかな、と思っています。 添削して頂く際、この問題の配点を100点として、何点くらいの評価か、回答者様の主観でかまいませんので評価して頂けたらありがたいです。 よろしくお願いいたします。

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  • 英語
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  • 回答No.2

テーマ:A large earthquake event is expected in the Tokai area in the near future. <東海地区にも大地震が予測されています> Describe the preparations you would make in anticipation of such a disaster. <災害予防にために何をしますか> If a disastrous earthquake were to occur while you were studing at this university, what would you do? <大学の授業中に大地震が起きたらあなたならどうしますか.> It is often said that a large earthquake [will]occur(s) in the Tokai area in the near future.<現在形は習慣> As I experienced the large earthquake in the Tohoku area [last year](the other day), I am very nervous about such disasters and highly motivated to prepare [for] them.<災害を用意しないでください> [I can say,] through my experience, you should always prepare some (degree of) water and (prepared) food for a disastrous earthquake. [This](It) is because even a convenience store [would be](is) closed just after a large earthquake. [And](Next,) if a disastrous earthquake were to occur while I [am](were) studying at this university, [I am sure](it would expected that) many people [will be](are) in panic. I know being in panic lead[s to another] (a second) disaster. Thus, I would [try my best to make](let)[other] students around me (keep) calm down [and](,) get out of [the building](this university,) and move to [a] safe[r](ty) area like [a] play( )ground. After doing this, I would offer [what I have learned from my experience in Tohoku](the leader's instruction). This would make damages [from](of) a disaster as [little](less) as possible.<仮定法は難しいですね「万一起きたら」If should/「するだろう」I would・「します」決めているなら仮定ではありませんからI will> Although [we](you) are often told to prepare [for] a large disaster, [we](you) may (do) not know [what](how) to prepare for it. Preparing water and (prepared) food is necessary, of course, but it is more important that [we](you) talk [with people around [us](you) in advance] about what [we] would (you) do when a disastrous earthquake were to occur (with people around you in daily life in advance). I believe that [if we sometimes do](many people always imagine) this, [we] may lessen the serious damages. <気持ちが盛り上がって英語がついて来なかったようです.気持ちを英語で伝えるのは無理とあきらめましょう.情報を伝えるのです.冷静に分かり易いことだけ伝えます.> 本日は英語の試験時間である90分の最初に英作文を書きはじめました(いつもは最後でした) <残り時間をフルに使う方を勧めます.> 時間は35分近くかかってしまいましたが、自分としてはいつもの作文より筋がとおっているかな、と思っています。 <内容は好感が持てます.しかし点数は英語の文法力でしか判断してもらえません.落ち着いて簡潔な文にします.> 添削して頂く際、この問題の配点を100点として、何点くらいの評価か、回答者様の主観でかまいませんので評価して頂けたらありがたいです。 よろしくお願いいたします。 <常に謙虚に>

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  • 回答No.1
  • cbm51901
  • ベストアンサー率67% (2671/3942)

It is often said that a large earthquake [would] occur(s) in the Tokai area in the near future. [Having] (As I) experienced the large earthquake in the Tohoku area [recently] (the other day), I am very nervous [that a similar disaster may occur in the Tokai area] (about such a disasters) and [am] highly motivated to prepare [for such a calamity.] (them.) Through my experience, [I suggest that] you (should) always [keep] (prepare) some (degree of) water and prepared food [in stock] for [emergency situations.] (a disastrous earthquake.) [This] (It) is because [not] even a convenience store is [open] (closed) just after a large earthquake. Next, if a disastrous earthquake were to [hit] (occur) while I were studying at this university, it [is anticipated] (would expected) that many people [would] (are in) panic. I know [that] (being in) [panicking leads to] a [secondary] disaster. Thus, I would let students around me keep calm (down), get out of this university, and move to [a safe] (safety) area like play ground. After doing this, I would [follow] (offer) the leader’s instruction. This would make damages [at a minimum] (of a disaster as less as possible.) Although you are often told to prepare [for] a large disaster, you may (do) not know [what to do] (how to prepare for it). [Keeping water and prepared food in stock] (Preparing water and prepared food) is necessary, of course, but it is more important that you talk about what [you] would (you) do when a disastrous earthquake were to occur[,] with people around you in daily life in advance. I believe that (many people always imagine) this may [minimize] (lessen the serious) damages.(222words) [  ] = 加筆した箇所 (  ) = 削除した箇所 採点: 70点

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質問者からのお礼

添削と採点ありがとうございます(*´∀`*) 単語の使用方法や、適切な用い方がたいへん参考になります! 災害に関する語法の知識が得られましたので、うまく使いこなせるよう復習します

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