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留学の際のエッセイ
ami1988amiの回答
- ami1988ami
- ベストアンサー率25% (22/86)
私は大学に入るための準備コースに通っている生徒です。（海外の） 何となく情熱は伝わってきますが、もしもこのエッセイが情熱だけでは通らないものだとしたら、要するに大学入学の基準を求められるエッセイだとしたら評価は低いと思います。 私たちは大学に入るために、大学の求めるアカデミックのレベルを叩き付けられています。週に二回エッセイも書かされ、何点out of 5のスコアを付けられます。たぶんこのエッセイは3/5がいいところだと思います。 なぜかと言うと、大学入学で求められるレベルとはエッセイとして読む人が分かりやすく、エッセイスタイルが守られていること、そして内容の真実性よりもstoryを展開させて行くテクニック、ある意味文章を書くことのテクニックなどのポイントの方が高いそうです。だから、事実が一つあれば、少々は本当のことを外れても、うまく脚色し、展開させて行くことの方が重要かと思います。 ここでたった一つ１歳の子どもさんや奥さんのお父さん？が出て来て、でもそれはあなたがその組織（学校？）に入ることとどう関係するのですか？子どもやお父さんがあなたにその組織に入って欲しいのですか？違いますよね？ TESOLの人からと書いてありますが、TESOLなんて誰でもなれます。特に英語のnative speakerなら。英語を教えている先生の９０％はいくら教える資格を持っていても、大学入学のエッセイなどを指導できるほどエッセイの書き方を知っている人はいません。グラマーを直せるくらいです。 例えばTOEFLのエッセイの書き方をTOEFL協会の指導のもと学んだ人などなら当てになりますが。 とてもきついいい方ですが、まずはイントロダクションをし、その最後にでポイントを一つ書きます。次にボデイーがきます。ここでイントロで触れたポイントの展開をします。最後にコンクルージョンですが、ポイントのおさらいと締めくくりをします。 いくつかグラマーの間違えですが apply for BYUH applyと forはセットです。 his smile makes people happyが英語圏では一番自然です。 多分年下の私が失礼な意見をすみません。毎日専門の先生に鍛えられているので、ついエッセイの書き方には敏感になってしまって。
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お願いします。以下の内容でエッセイを書きました。文法の誤りを教えていただけると非常に助かります、よろしくお願いします 尚、「200文字以内で」とありますが今222文字あります、最終的に調整したいと考えています Describe why you want to attend an institution within the LDS Church Educational System and what value you will add to that institution. (200 words or less) There are several reasons why I choose BYUH. That's because church’s institution. First of all, I want to learn from those who same sense of value. Second, I made an impression on BYUH’s school characteristic “ENTER TO LEARN GO FORTH TO SERVE.” I want to serve people through after graduate’s work, hope to be of service to someone, and I have received kindness by many people, therefore, I want to return the favor. I believe that BYUH is the only school where teach me how to serve for people. Third, I have an only child. He is my pleasure and my treasure. Being able to stay near the temple and have church’s friend would give him chance to nurture. Nothing is more valuable than this for us. Finally, I am a temporary worker and very unstable work. I would like to snap out from my vicious circle. After graduation I will put my all into environmental job. My wife’s father have own company and he has some idea and products to make an improvement green issue. After I learn business marketing I will take over his company and disseminate his products widely across to the world and help to make change to better place. I want to contribute to the world as BYUH alumnus. For these reasons, I want to matriculate BYUH.
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- ベストアンサー
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- 大学留学応募のエッセイ
お願いします。下記のお題でエッセイを提出します。文字数は丁度200wordsです。文法、文章の流れなど添削頂けると涙が出るほど助かります。 なお、文章中の（）は英語に自信がない場合に日本語入れています 大学側のお題：What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements? (200 words or less) 私のエッセイ：I used to work as door to door sales man about 10 years ago. To sale $3,000 water cleaner, I would often visit more than 100 houses everyday. At that time, not only Japanese are not so interested that device but also people usually drinks tap water. In previous times, people used to think that purchase natural water are ridiculous and said “drink tap water as much as you like, do not waste your money!” Great majority of Japanese did not interested water at all. Therefore, I was always turned down and was jeered and yelled at me. I had an experience with scattered salt by a man（男性から塩をかけられた経験があります）. It means purify evil sprit. I believed that I could find a customer as long as I do not give in. I became discouraged several times. Nevertheless, I had kept knock a door hundred of times and then I had encountered the customers（冠詞に迷いました、the としたのは思い描いたそのお客さんに出会えたとし定冠詞にしました）. At sales convention, I obtained a first prize among over 1,000 company members. Through this precious experiment, I learned patient, efforts must be pay off and I understood that If people efforts desperately, God presents us a miracle. My weakness was changed strength（by ○○はあえて書きませんでした、キリスト教系の大学なのでここは神様と読み手は考えると思うからです）. This life experience is my treasure. よろしくお願いします＜（＿ ＿）＞
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- エッセイの書き方
今まで一度もエッセイを書いた事がなく(英語で） 全く書き方がわかりません。下の意味を訳しては みたものの・・・やっぱり分かりません。どなたか エッセイの書き方、下の事について何を書けばいいのか教えて下さい！！ In relation to your NZ city(Auckland) answer this question-You may refer to social, economic, structural, political and other patterns: What are the different patterns that exist in your chosen settlement?
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Many people want to be success. Many people have dreams and become happy. I also want to be success. And I have a dream. It is not easy to success. And many people have felt sad because they can’t success. I don’t think people can’t succeed that it is because of hard work. I suppose that luck is very important for succeed. I argue about exam and I was read a book. この文の英語に間違いなどあれば教えてください。 よろしくお願いします。
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お礼
ご回答ありがとうございます 年齢関係なくいただくアドバイスは大変助かります！！ この大学はキリスト教系の大学なのですがどうもエッセイの採点基準が通常の大学のそれとは少々違っているようなのです「TESOLの方」とはTESOLの助教授でして、他にも同大学のプロボ校の元教授に上記エッセイを見てもらったところ以下の様に返事が返ってきました This essay is like most of the applicants and would not stand out. Your essay would be more unique if you write about your family and age that makes you a non-traditional student. Most of the students are young and still not mature about what they want to do/be. You should write about your age and your family (which makes you a non-traditional student) and your desires to have more education. Usually a non-traditional student will be more mature and serious about being a college student plus you would be a good help/example to the younger students. Being older is an advantage over most of the young applicants because you will be in the minority. 彼は既にリタイアしているのですが、選考に関わったこともありやはり家族の話もひつようなのかなぁと思います、悩ましいところです