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留学の際のエッセイ
noname#97642の回答
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No３，４です。ちょっと書き忘れた事に気が付きました。（長い回答を書いていると、途中で言いたい事を全て書く前に投稿してしまう事が、、。） No３，４の回答を整理していうと、 大学に入ってからのエッセイの求められているものは、 No３、４であげた採点基準の他に、 Has the candidate demonstrated a suitable and accurate knowledge of the subject in question? Has the student supported their answer with suitable examples? Has the candidate done sufficient reading from the reading list provided? Have they attempted wider reading? Has the candidate demonstrated appropriate bibliographic and referencing skills, using the Harvard system that is laid down in the Undergraduate Handbook? （上記の英文は、No３，４と同様、 ttp://huss.exeter.ac.uk/archaeology/students/markingug.shtml より引用。） が、あります。 でも大学入学前に上記の事はチェックできませんから、No3,4であげた採点基準ぐらいはできる生徒だったら勉強についてこれる限り入学しても大丈夫だろうと、大学側は考えるわけです。 以上は通常考えられる、小論の採点の場合の基準です。 また、何度も書こうと思っていて、前々回も前回も、今回のNo3,4でも忘れていた事を今度こそ書きますと、 小論というのは、『自分の考え』を如何に理路整然とスムーズに述べるかで採点されます。 その中で、自分の考えの例えとして、exampleを使っても良いのですが、最小限にとどめる必要があります。 鉄則：主に自分の考え、exampleは最小限。 そう考えると、I have a child who is one year old and whose name is ○○. It means God’s messenger. He likes people; with his arms spread, he always begs someone to hold him up, his smile makes people comfortable. He is already offering love to people as God’s messenger. Being able to stay near temples and have church friends gives me a good chance to nurture him. Nothing is more valuable than this for him. Additionally, I am temporary a worker, and my job is unstable. Therefore, I want to remove myself from this situation. Fortunately, my wife’s father owns a company and has some products to improve environmental issues. I want to disseminate his ideas worldwide and contribute to the world as a BYUH alumnus.は全て、考えではなくてexampleだと言えます。少なくとも私が採点者だったらそう考えます。 ２００wordsの中ではexampleはなるべく少なく、もしくは無くても構いません。 そういう一般常識から考えて、you may want to add some details to your personal story about your son and wifeとアドバイスしたTESOLの先生は「高卒か中卒か？」と思わずにはいられません。 また、同じ理由で、出来るだけ自分の言葉で書く必要があります。 I am fascinated by your motto “ENTER TO LEARN, GO FORTH TO SERVE,” と大学のモットーをそのまま引用していますが、自分の言葉で言い換える事ができれば尚望ましいです。大学に入ってからもレポートを書く際に一般に、約3words以上教科書や参考文献と同じ言い回しに成ることを避ける事が望ましいです。（そうしないと盗作として減点等になる。） 鉄則２：自分の言葉で まあ、この事については、日本の英語学習書で、書き換え問題が山ほどあるので、書き方を変えるのは簡単でしょう。 No３，４で書いた、 ＞is the writing suitably concise and precise についてですが、小論文というのは論文形式で自分の考えを述べるものです、それを『分かりやすく読める』ように工夫して書くものです。 そのため、序論（introduction）では、できるだけ簡潔（concise）に小論全体に何が書いてあるか、作者の考えは何かを述べる必要があります。 鉄則３：序論は内容を精密（precise）に、書き方を簡潔（concise）に。 本論では、「～～であると考えられる。」と言った理由を明確に倫理展開していきます。その時に、transitions（前回の質問の回答を参照してください）を程よくつかって「まづ第一に」とか「しかして」、と流れるようにスムーズに論理を進めて行きます（使わないとこれも減点対象になるのが一般）。例えを使っても良いですが、最小限に抑えてください。 鉄則４：序論の考えを精密（precise）に、transitionsを使ってスムーズに、例え（example）はなるたけ簡潔（concise）に。 ここまで書いて、自分の考えとそれに対する論理展開も終了しました、最後に結論は、「結局～～であるが故に、～～は、～～であると言える。」としたい所、For these reasons, I want to enroll at BYUH,と言うのは残念ながらアカデミックな書き方とは言えないので、thus等のtransitionsを使ってから、最後に出した結論を書きたいところ！（thusだけで、For these reasonsと書いたのと同じ意味になる。）結論は「間違っても序論、本論からは想像もつかないもの」を書いちゃいけません。「こういう考えで、こういう結論に到ったか。」と相手に納得させる結論を、２００wordsの小論だったら、１５～２０wordsで序論、本論を網羅した内容で簡潔に書ければしめたもの！ 一般に結論は「結局～～であるが故に、～～は、～～であると言える。」となる場合と「～～であるが故に、～～となれるのではないか。」と可能性について述べて終わってもよい。 鉄則５：結論は新しい考えを書かずに、序論と本論の内容を含みつつ、かぶらず（同じ事の繰り返しは避ける）、やはり精密（precise）と簡潔（concise）のバランスを考えつつ、結論もしくは可能性を述べて終わる。 また、小論全般に言える事ですが、最低限の英語力は必要ですが（それがTOEFL最低６１という事にその大学はなっている。）、難しい言い回しの発表会ではありません。 質問者さんは、まだまだ日本語的な言い回しを感じさせますが、英語的には、文法も良く頑張っています。おそらく、論理展開の仕方さえ覚えれば、１０月にまでになんとかなると思いますよ。 というか、『本当は英作よりも小論の書き方の方が簡単』なのですよ。淡々と考えを述べれば述べればよいだけですから。 これまでの質問を拝見して、独学で英語を学ばれたのだと思います。 運悪く前回は４５点だったそうですが、TOEFLの６１点は取れるだけの正しい英語はだいぶ書けるようにはなってきているように感じます。あとは書き方さえ分かればTOEFLも６１点なら通るんじゃないかと思いますよ。（それでも通らなかったとするとリスニングやリーディングが苦手なのかな？）
- noname#97642
noname#202629
- noname#97642
- noname#97642
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下記内容でエッセイを書きました、内容などご指摘いただくと助かります。 Describe why you want to attend an institution within the LDS Church Educational System and what value you will add to that institution. (200 words or less) I want to be a spiritually-advanced person and contribute people to be happier. There are several reasons that I choose the institution of church, BYUH. I want to learn from those who have the same sense of value. Additionally, I am fascinated by your motto “ENTER TO LEARN GO FORTH TO SERVE.” I want to serve people as an ultimate work after my graduation. I believe that BYUH is the only school that may teach me how to serve for people. I have only a child. Being able to stay near the temple and have church’s friends would give a good chance to nurture him. But also, strengthen our testimony to God. Nothing is more valuable than it for us. Finally, after graduation I will put my all into environmental job. My wife’s father has own his company and has some products to make an improvement on the green issue. I want to disseminate his products widely across to the world. I will contribute to the world as BYUH alumnus and I am spontaneous therefore, I outspoken to brighten up in class. I would be a crucial person. For these reasons, I want to be matriculated at BYUH.（198）
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- 留学のエッセイ
お願いします。以下の内容でエッセイを書きました。文法の誤りを教えていただけると非常に助かります、よろしくお願いします 尚、「200文字以内で」とありますが今222文字あります、最終的に調整したいと考えています Describe why you want to attend an institution within the LDS Church Educational System and what value you will add to that institution. (200 words or less) There are several reasons why I choose BYUH. That's because church’s institution. First of all, I want to learn from those who same sense of value. Second, I made an impression on BYUH’s school characteristic “ENTER TO LEARN GO FORTH TO SERVE.” I want to serve people through after graduate’s work, hope to be of service to someone, and I have received kindness by many people, therefore, I want to return the favor. I believe that BYUH is the only school where teach me how to serve for people. Third, I have an only child. He is my pleasure and my treasure. Being able to stay near the temple and have church’s friend would give him chance to nurture. Nothing is more valuable than this for us. Finally, I am a temporary worker and very unstable work. I would like to snap out from my vicious circle. After graduation I will put my all into environmental job. My wife’s father have own company and he has some idea and products to make an improvement green issue. After I learn business marketing I will take over his company and disseminate his products widely across to the world and help to make change to better place. I want to contribute to the world as BYUH alumnus. For these reasons, I want to matriculate BYUH.
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- 英語
- 大学留学の際のエッセイ
お願いします。200文字以内でエッセイを書けとの設問で以下のように書きましたがどうしても203文字になってしまいます。同じような内容で200文字以内で収めることは出来ませんでしょうか。また文法の誤りがあれば教えて頂けると助かります 大学側：What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements? (200 words or less) 私が考えた内容：I used to work as door-knocker. I was rejected by people and was yelled me. however, At sales convention, I obtained a first prize. Through this experiment, I learned patient and my efforts must pay off.
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- 大学留学応募の際のエッセイについて
お願いします。下記のお題でエッセイを提出します。文法、文章の流れなど添削頂けると涙が出るほど助かります。 大学側の題：What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements? (200 words or less) 私のエッセイ：I filled with spirit than anyone else. I used to work as door to door sales man about 10 years ago. To sale a $3,000 water cleaner, I would often visit more than 100 houses everyday. At that time, Japanese were not only so interested in that device but also they usually drank tap water. In those days, people used to think that purchasing water was ridiculous and say “drink tap water!” Great majority of Japanese was not interested in water. Therefore, I was always turned down and was jeered and yelled by them. Some people scattered salt at me. It means driving away evil sprit. I believed that I could find a customer as long as I do not give in. I became discouraged several times. Nevertheless, I had kept knocking a door hundred of times and then I had encountered a customer. At sales convention, I was awarded a first prize among over 1,000 company members. Through this precious experience, I learned patience and must have been paid off and I understood that if people make efforts desperately, God presents us a miracle. My weakness was turned to strength. This life experience is my treasure. (197 words) よろしくお願いします＜（＿ ＿）＞
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- 英語でエッセイを書いてみたんですが・・・
１０００文字程度(全然足りていないのですが)のエッセイ の課題課題が出て一応は取り組んでみて提出したのですが。 翌日に先生から返却される際、後で話があるといわれました・・ そして授業後に話してみると、ひどい英文、文法がダメなど ボロボロに言われてしまいいました。 そこで手直しをしてみようとしたのですが、どこの文法が ダメなのか分らないし、文章の構成もすべて注意されてしまった ので英語がとことん苦手な私にはどうすればよいか分りません。 そのため、下手でどうしようもない英文の明らかに誤っている 文法。また、こうしたほうがもっと良くなるなどのアドバイス を頂けないでしょうか。本当によろしくお願いします。 (文字制限によりIntroductionとconcludionは削っています。) People Need Reading The first reason to support is you can learn many words by reading. You sometimes find incomprehensible word when you are reading. At such time, if you look up words in a dictionary and examine the words of meaning, you can know and learn many words. Moreover, the increase of vocabulary leads to the increase in the thought because thinking is an act of doing by using words. When thinking alone, act of thinking used by generally using words so the idea cannot help coarsening naturally if the vocabulary power is scarce. In brief, the richness of vocabulary supports your thought. In addition, the kind of colloquial expression was limited. Only if you spend a daily life, you do not need to use a difficult word. However, if it thinks only using by the spoken language in the daily life, your thought becomes simple by all means. If the expressed word is simple, the content of ideas becomes simple too. In contrast, feelings and thinking are become complex if you knowing many words. In the written language, there is a variation without in the spoken language. In a word, reading is the best possible method to know many words. A second reason to support is the great deal of knowledge can be acquired by reading. A lot of things that I have not known up to now are written in books and I am impressed every time obtained the new knowledge. For instance, people learn a new matter by reading newspaper and journal. For one thing, you can know about the place where you have not gone if you read about the place such as preparation of the school excursion when you were such a student. Furthermore, the ability for communication improves when knowledge increases, because you show provided got the new knowledge for friends and it can share with each other. In addition, generally speaking people want to know it more deeply by getting new knowledge. Reading books broadens your knowledge and allows you to encounter things of great beauty more frequently, thereby making you a different person from who you were before starting to read books. In other words it is the best means to read the book to get a new knowledge. The final reason to support people can know what the happiness at private time. Quiet time of one is develops the person. Of course, you can develop your personality throughout pleasant communication with people, but it is also necessary for personality development to have a quiet alone time to reflect on yourself. Happy in vague time while listening to music alone but then reading accompanies a constant mental tension. At the same time this moderate tension gives birth to the sense of fulfillment. Moreover, reading is not by oneself it looks like oneself though because it is time of two people with the author. Next, there is no pressure because the author is not before your eyes but book tell you deeply and quietly. Besides time to taste on one’s own that superior person chose the word. So the person grows up more by spending this time. In fact the person of the bookworm knows the richness of this time to read alone.
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- 英語
- 大学留学応募のエッセイ
お願いします。下記のお題でエッセイを提出します。文字数は丁度200wordsです。文法、文章の流れなど添削頂けると涙が出るほど助かります。 なお、文章中の（）は英語に自信がない場合に日本語入れています 大学側のお題：What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements? (200 words or less) 私のエッセイ：I used to work as door to door sales man about 10 years ago. To sale $3,000 water cleaner, I would often visit more than 100 houses everyday. At that time, not only Japanese are not so interested that device but also people usually drinks tap water. In previous times, people used to think that purchase natural water are ridiculous and said “drink tap water as much as you like, do not waste your money!” Great majority of Japanese did not interested water at all. Therefore, I was always turned down and was jeered and yelled at me. I had an experience with scattered salt by a man（男性から塩をかけられた経験があります）. It means purify evil sprit. I believed that I could find a customer as long as I do not give in. I became discouraged several times. Nevertheless, I had kept knock a door hundred of times and then I had encountered the customers（冠詞に迷いました、the としたのは思い描いたそのお客さんに出会えたとし定冠詞にしました）. At sales convention, I obtained a first prize among over 1,000 company members. Through this precious experiment, I learned patient, efforts must be pay off and I understood that If people efforts desperately, God presents us a miracle. My weakness was changed strength（by ○○はあえて書きませんでした、キリスト教系の大学なのでここは神様と読み手は考えると思うからです）. This life experience is my treasure. よろしくお願いします＜（＿ ＿）＞
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- エッセイの書き方
今まで一度もエッセイを書いた事がなく(英語で） 全く書き方がわかりません。下の意味を訳しては みたものの・・・やっぱり分かりません。どなたか エッセイの書き方、下の事について何を書けばいいのか教えて下さい！！ In relation to your NZ city(Auckland) answer this question-You may refer to social, economic, structural, political and other patterns: What are the different patterns that exist in your chosen settlement?
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- 英語
- 英語が正しいかどうか教えてください。
Many people want to be success. Many people have dreams and become happy. I also want to be success. And I have a dream. It is not easy to success. And many people have felt sad because they can’t success. I don’t think people can’t succeed that it is because of hard work. I suppose that luck is very important for succeed. I argue about exam and I was read a book. この文の英語に間違いなどあれば教えてください。 よろしくお願いします。
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