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留学のエッセイ

お願いします。以下の内容でエッセイを書きました。文法の誤りを教えていただけると非常に助かります、よろしくお願いします 尚、「200文字以内で」とありますが今222文字あります、最終的に調整したいと考えています Describe why you want to attend an institution within the LDS Church Educational System and what value you will add to that institution. (200 words or less) There are several reasons why I choose BYUH. That's because church’s institution. First of all, I want to learn from those who same sense of value. Second, I made an impression on BYUH’s school characteristic “ENTER TO LEARN GO FORTH TO SERVE.” I want to serve people through after graduate’s work, hope to be of service to someone, and I have received kindness by many people, therefore, I want to return the favor. I believe that BYUH is the only school where teach me how to serve for people. Third, I have an only child. He is my pleasure and my treasure. Being able to stay near the temple and have church’s friend would give him chance to nurture. Nothing is more valuable than this for us. Finally, I am a temporary worker and very unstable work. I would like to snap out from my vicious circle. After graduation I will put my all into environmental job. My wife’s father have own company and he has some idea and products to make an improvement green issue. After I learn business marketing I will take over his company and disseminate his products widely across to the world and help to make change to better place. I want to contribute to the world as BYUH alumnus. For these reasons, I want to matriculate BYUH.

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noname#202629
noname#202629
回答No.2

There are several reasons that I choose the institution of church, BYUH. I want to learn from those who have the same sense of value. Additionally, I am fascinated by your motto “ENTER TO LEARN GO FORTH TO SERVE.” I want to serve people as an ultimate work after my graduation, hoping to be of any service to someone in return for all the kindness given to me as of today. I believe that BYUH is the only school that may teach me how to serve for people. I have only a child. He is my pleasure and treasure. Being able to stay near the temple and have church’s friends would give a good chance to nurture him. Nothing is more valuable than it for us. Finally, I can only have a temporary job that is very unstable. To have your education may lead me to snap out from this vicious circle. After graduation I will put my all into environmental job. My wife’s father has own his company and has some ideas and products to make an improvement on the green issue. I will take over his company someday, if at all possible and disseminate his products widely across to the world and help to make change to better place. I want to contribute to the world as BYUH alumnus. For these reasons, I want to be matriculated at BYUH.

malibu0426
質問者

お礼

fruchanさんいつも大変丁寧に回答頂きありがとうございます 今回も全体的に直していただき有難いというか申し訳ない思いで一杯です。fruchanさんの文章を直していただいたものをベースに足したり引いたりして200文字以内に先ほどしました。再度教えてGOOにUPしましたのでご都合よろしければ見ていただけると助かります＜（＿　＿）＞

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その他の回答 (2)

noname#97642
noname#97642
回答No.3

こんいちは、頑張っていますね。 ちょっと、英文の添削に入る前に気になる点が有ります。 質問者さんは大学用のエッセイを書いているのですよね？　（作文とエッセイは多少違います。） 一応、大学に提出するエッセイ（小論文）には書式と言う物が有ります。 どういうものかというと、 http://www.jcu.edu.au/office/tld/writingskills/essay/structure.html （検索して発見しました。） 分かりやすく日本語で書くと、 Introduction（序論）：何を言いたいのか短くまとめた文を書く、全体の７～１０％ Body（本論）:Introductionをより細かく説明した箇所、全体の６０～７０％。 Conclusion（結論）:全体の「まとめ」だたし、Introductionと違う点は、Bodyを読んだ上での「まとめ」になるという事。全体の１０～２０％ すいません、、説明下手過ぎですね。日本語の小論文でも大体構造は一緒なので、その事を説明したURLを探しても良いと思います。 一例： http://shouronbun.com/report1.html また、「序論」、「本論」、「結論」は、行間を空けるのが普通です。 例： 　序論～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～ ～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～。 　（本論） 　Firstly～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～ ～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～。 　Secondly～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～ ～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～。 　 　結論～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～ ～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～。 そして、質問者様のエッセイを拝見すると、「序論」がありません。「結論」（For these reasons, I want to matriculate BYUH.）はちょっと短か過ぎるですね。 大学に入ってからもだいたいこの書式になると思います。 補足欄に書き直すでも、新しく質問を立て直すでもかまいませんが、一度この形式で書き直していただけますか？

malibu0426
質問者

お礼

大変丁寧に教えて頂き助かります 先ほど足したり引いたりして何とか200文字以内で書き直しました、既に教えてGOOにUPしてますのでもしよろしければ見ていただけると助かります＜（＿　＿）＞

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回答No.1

目的によってエッセイの書き方も変わります。 LDSという機関がどういうものなのかを書いて頂けると 他の方も添削しやすいように思います。 それと気になる点は語学学校であれば、そこまで高いレベルのものは 求められませんが、何らかのdegreeを取りに行く、 certificateを取りに行くのであれば、ネガティブな理由は一切、 書かないことです。むしろ、自分にはこれができる、 そしてこれを伸ばすためにはその学校のそのプログラムの こういう部分がなければ実現できない。なのでこの学校を 選んだ、と書くのが最も効果的です。（当然、ネガティブと 言っても、世界には飢餓で苦しんでいる人がいて、経済学で あればそれを解消できるというような規模の大きいことで あれば、別です。僕の友人はこれで院に留学していましたので。） 英語の質の良さはその次ですね。なので最後の理由の1文めは 不要です。ただ、2文めからはしっかりした理由になっていると 思うので、これをもっと拡張してください。1から3番めの理由も 1つにできるのではないでしょうか？「別にマーケティングなら 他でもあるくない？」と思われてしまったら エッセイを書く意味がありません。例えば、学校のサイトを 見た限りでは規模は小さいながらも多種多様な人種が 集まってきている学校なんですよね？ それとご自身のしたいこととを関連づける、 というのも1つの手段です。 200のエッセイであれば、そこまで重視していないのかも しれませんが、念には念を、です。文章をもう少し練り直して みてはいかがでしょうか？

malibu0426
質問者

お礼

大変丁寧に教えて頂きありがとうございます 先ほど再度練り直して教えてGOOに再度UPしてみました。またご都合よろしければお願いします＜（＿　＿）＞

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  1. カテゴリ
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