自由英作文の添削をお願いします。

質問

(A)

問題文：
次の会話を読み、空所(1)と(2)をそれぞれ15～20語の英語で埋めよ。

Jason: Did you hear about Naoto? His father is being transferred back to Tokyo next month, so the entire family is returning to Japan. Naoto's very upset. He wants his parents to let him stay here.

Arthur: No, I hadn't heard! (1)____________________________________

Jason: Well, but (2)_________________________________

Arthur: Maybe you're right.

私の解答：

(1): I don't want him to return to Japan. We have promised that we will go hiking during next summer vacation.

(2): it would be better for him to live with his family than to live alone.

(B)

問題文：
次の英文を読み、内容について思うことを50～60語の英語で記せ。
ただし、treatとpeopleは、それぞれ一回しか用いてはならない。

Pets should not be treated like people.

私の解答：
In my opinion, pets should be treated like people. For one reason, pets also have their feeling, so they can be friends for us. It is natural that you think 'friends' like human. For second reason, we sometimes hear about animal abuse. To think animal as human will be able to prevent animal abuse.

時間を計って問題を解く一環で短い時間で書いたので、酷い出来かもしれません
(B)は自分で見ても内容の時点でしっくりこないものがあります
添削のしようが無い程に内容が酷かった場合、文法面を中心に指摘して頂けると助かります

どれか1問でも構いませんので、どうぞよろしくお願い致します

回答No.1

boyinusa · ベストアンサー

全体的に文法面ではとてもよく書けていると思います。(A）の問題に関してはとりわけ直す必要はないかと思います。
以下、参考までに。

(1): I don't want him to return to Japan. We have promised that we will go hiking during (the / our) next summer vacation.

(2): it would be better for him to live with his family than to live alone. (言い換え>>it would be hard for him to live without his family.)

(B)の問題に関してはtreatとpeopleを1回ずつしか用いてはならないという制約があるので、これらの語の言い換えがミソとなります。

In my opinion, pets should be treated like people. For one reason, pets also have their feeling, so they can be friends for us. It is natural that you think 'friends' like human. For second reason, we sometimes hear about animal abuse. To think animal as human will be able to prevent animal abuse.

おっしゃりたい事は分かりますし、文法面でもしっかり考えられていますが英語表現としては不十分な点がいくつかあります。
以下が添削文となりますので参考にできる箇所があればと思います。

In my opinion, pets should be treated like people. One reason for this is that pets also have their emotions, and so they can interact with their owners. And the owners as well think of pets as one of their family members. Secondly, we sometimes hear about animal abuse. Considering pets as friends or family, this issue will be prevented.

(think of A as B / consider A as B)でAをBとみなすという便利な表現です。

お礼

あまり出来が良くない答案を作ってしまったので添削して頂けるか不安でしたが、こんなに丁寧に採点して頂きありがとうございます
なんだか感激してしまいました(笑)

上手く言い換えを考えるのが大切ですね
friendとはどういう状態を指すのかなど…
発想をやわらかくするというのはなかなか難しいです

大変参考になりました、ありがとうございました。