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添削よろしくお願いします

朝日新聞の4コマ漫画の描写を英語にして英作文を練習している者です。 次の英文から状況が読み取れるかお聞きしたいです。また、文法間違い英語表現の間違いなどご指摘していただけるとありがたいです。 One day a teacher was smoking in back of a school building. Her students, a usual trio, found it by chance. She gave them some candies for hush money. When they were licking the candies, three girls came up and said, "(1)You, bad. You are licking candies." The usual trio thought it would be terrible if this came out to everyone, so that they told the teacher's secret. Three girls went to the teacher and said, "(2)We were told that for hush money." 特に、(1)「あんた達、悪いんだ。アメなめてやがる。」と(2)「口止め料の 代りに教えてもらったんだ。」と言いたいのですが、上の英文はどうでしょうか?アドバイスよろしくお願いします。

noname#76457
noname#76457
  • 英語
  • 回答数2
  • ありがとう数1

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  • ベストアンサー
回答No.2

ちょっと最後のオチが良く分からなかったのですが・・・ One day a teacher was smoking in back of a school building. One dayの後にコンマ あと、なんとなくaじゃなくthe school buildingな気がします。 Her students, a usual trio, found it by chance. 文章のつながり的に「彼女がたばこを吸っている時に」見つけられたとした方がいいと思いました。 あとusual torioというのは正しくない単語の使い方だと思います。普通の三人組・普通じゃない三人組とは言わないので。(仲良し三人組の意だと思いますが) あとItではなく彼女を見つけたのでHer。 While she was smoking, three of her students who all the time spend time together found her by chance. So(をつけた方がいいかも),She gave them some candies for hush money. 口止め料ってHush Moneyって言うの、今はじめて知りました 笑 When they were licking candies, three girls came and said, "(1)You, bad. You are licking candies." The trio thought it would be terrible if this came out to everyone so that they told the teacher's secret. Three girls went to {see} the teacher and said, 最後は意味が良く分かりませんでした。 大体言いたい事は伝わる文でしたが、全体を流して読むと文章と文章の間がぶつ切りなために一連の流れが良くないように思います。 一文を書いた後にwhile ,after that, then, so, finally, eventually等の時間をあらわす単語やbecause・・・など(例えば彼らに見つかってしまったので飴をあげましたとか)を書き足して状況を説明すると時間の流れや人物の行動が分かりやすくなると思います。

noname#76457
質問者

補足

丁寧な回答ありがとうございます。usual trioとは言わないですか。。。「いつもの三人組(いたずらばかりしている3人組)」と言いたかったのですが。またgo to+人というのはあまり使わないのでしょうか?seeを入れていたので疑問に思いました。接続詞や時間を表す副詞を上手に使えるように工夫してみます。とても参考になります。よければ2点について補足説明をよろしくお願いします。

その他の回答 (1)

noname#24040
noname#24040
回答No.1

参考ですが、 a teacher のあとに teacher の描写を入れたらいいかも。 (例)who looks so beautiful(/dangerous/etc.) 漫画を見てないのでよくわかりませんが、 We are told that for hush money. 意味が通じにくいと思います。話の落ちですからインパクトがもっとほしいと思います。 They told us the way to get candies. They told us everything. We know everything. Give us candies, please. 先生が「I need to tell them off.」 とか参考です。 文は読みやすかったです。仮定法もOKです。 in backyard of the(/a) school

noname#76457
質問者

お礼

とても参考になります。thatよりもeverythingの方がいいなと思いました。ありがとうございます。

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