自由英作文の添削をお願いします。

質問

教員採用試験の過去問の自由英作文の課題を解いてみました。突っ込み所満載だと思うので時間のある方のみで結構ですのでご教授下さい。

題目：高等学校の英語の授業で、電子メールの良い点と悪い点について書かれた単元を取り上げる。その単元の最初の授業でsmall talkをするとき、あなたが生徒に聞かせる英語を130語程度で書きなさい。
From today we are going to learn the topic that "good points and bad points of e-mail".
What do you think of it? I think good point of e-mail is ″its convenience”.For example, you can send e-mail for free to all over the world immediately wherever you are. You can also send other attached files at same time.
Bad point is that e-mail is "digital signature". It means you can't handle e-mail without gadgets so, you always have to possess it. What is worse sending e-mail with using gadgets is difficult for people who is not good at computers. Only those who are familiar with that can send e-mails.
These are my opinions. How about your opinions? Let's start taking look at this topic.
本日より「電子メールの良い点悪い点について」のトピックにについて入っていきます。みなさんはどう思いますか。私が思うに良い点は「その利便性」にあると思います。例えば、e-mailは何処にいても世界中に瞬時に無料で送ることができます。また、その他の添付ファイルも同時に送ることもできます。
悪い点は、e-mailが電子信号であるということです。つまり、電子情報機器なしではe-mailを操作することができないのです。さらに悪いことに電子機器を使っての電子メールの送信は、ガジェット操作が不得意な人には難しいのです。それらに精通した人のみしかe-mailを送ることができないのです。
これらは私の意見です。あなたがたの意見はどうでしょうか。それではこのトピックを見ていきましょう。

回答No.2

skydaddy

こんな感じでどうでしょうか？

Starting from today, we are going to learn about the topic of "good points and bad points of e-mail".
What do you think of it? I think a good point of e-mail is ″convenience”. For example, you can immediately send an e-mail for free to the recipients all over the world wherever you are. You can also send an e-mail with some files as attachment at same time.
A bad point of e-mail is it is "digital signal". It means you can't handle an e-mail without a gadget. What is a worse thing to send e-mail using the gadget is difficult for people who are not good at computer. Only people who are familiar with those can send e-mail.
This is my opinion. How about yourself? Let's start taking look at this topic.

漠然とするときは冠詞なし、例示などある程度判るときは不定冠詞、前後などから明確な時は定冠詞としてみました。
単複の扱い、目的語、表現などで気になったものを変更しています。

回答No.1

noname#232424

過去に何回か回答した記憶がありますが，ひまなのでまたおつきあいしましょうか。あくまでもご参考までに。

From today we are going to learn the topic as to the advantage and disadvantage of the digital mailing system.

How do you evaluate the e-mail system? I think its advantage is, with no doubt, the convenience. For example, you can send a free mail to anyone in the world, whenever you want, and wherever you are. You can also send data files attached.

Disadvantage is that the e-mail is in a digital form, which means you can neither send nor receive an e-mail unless you have gadgets with you Furthermore, using gadgets is difficult for people who cannot keep up with the progress of computers. As a result, the information can be exclusively possessed by those who are familiar with them.

These are my opinions. How do you think about the e-mail? Let's discuss on this topic.