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英文と日本語訳があります。日本語訳は正しいですか?

Of course, the mass retirement is not all bad news. Let's take a look at how one of the more successful retirees spends his retired years. Tomohiko Otake works at Lawson's three nights a week from 10:30 p.m. to 7 a.m. placing rice balls and bentos on shelves at a convenience store in Saitama. He took the job which pays 875 yen per hour because he and his wife wanted a bit of extra money to use for travel and souvenirs. 和訳 もちろん、大量退職に関しては、すべてが悪い知らせニュースというわけではありません。 退職者の引退後の過ごし方での成功例の一つを、見てみましょう。 トモヒコ・オオタケは、埼玉のコンビニエンスストアのローソンで、週三回(夜)、午後10時30分から午前7時まで働き、おにぎりと弁当をそれぞれの棚に置く仕事に取り組んでいます。 彼は、彼と彼の妻が旅行したり記念品購入の費用をつくるために、もう少し余分な収入を望んだので、時給875円の仕事を引き受けました。

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以下のとおりお答えします。原文の内容をよく伝える訳文になっていると思います。若干、訂正・改善などのご提案を下記します。 >Of course, the mass retirement is not all bad news. Let's take a look at how one of the more successful retirees spends his retired years. Tomohiko Otake works at Lawson's three nights a week from 10:30 p.m. to 7 a.m. placing rice balls and bentos on shelves at a convenience store in Saitama. He took the job which pays 875 yen per hour because he and his wife wanted a bit of extra money to use for travel and souvenirs. >もちろん、大量退職に関しては、すべてが悪い知らせニュースというわけではありません。 退職者の引退後の過ごし方での成功例の一つを、見てみましょう。トモヒコ・オオタケは、埼玉のコンビニエンスストアのローソンで、週三回(夜)、午後10時30分から午前7時まで働き、おにぎりと弁当をそれぞれの棚に置く仕事に取り組んでいます。彼は、彼と彼の妻が旅行したり記念品購入の費用をつくるために、もう少し余分な収入を望んだので、時給875円の仕事を引き受けました。 (語句説明) *Let's take a look at how one the more successful retirees spends his retired years.:「退職者の引退後の過ごし方での成功例の一つを、見てみましょう」は素晴らしい訳だと思います。ただ1つ、more successful とありますから、「比較的成功している例」としましょうか。 *Tomohiko Otake works at Lawson's three nights a week from 10:30 p.m. to 7 a.m.:「トモヒコ・オオタケは、ローソンのお店で週3夜、午後10時30分から午前7時まで働きます」。お訳では「コンビニエンスストアのローソンで」と、前後をまとめていますが、少し「いじくりすぎ」かも知れません。 *placing rice balls and bentos on shelves at a convenience store in Saitama:「埼玉のコンビニエンスストアでおにぎりや弁当を棚に並べるなどの仕事をします」。placingに関連して補うのは、せいぜい「~の仕事をします」で十分でしょう。「取り組んでいます」まで行くと少し「異訳」気味になるかも知れません(→※印をご参照)。 He took the job which pays 875 yen per hour because ~:お訳は、「彼は、~ので、時給875円の仕事を引き受けました」と理由を先に訳されていますが、ここは原文の流れに従って、後で理由を説明する方がよさそうですね。→「彼は時給875円の仕事を引き受けましたが、それは~からでした。」 *because he and his wife wanted a bit of extra money to use for travel and souvenirs:「夫婦の旅行代やおみやげ代に使うための特別なお金が少し欲しいからでした」。お訳の「彼は、彼と彼の妻が旅行したり記念品購入の費用をつくるために、もう少し余分な収入を望んだ」では、「費用をつくるために」の部分が「要らぬ補足」(→※印をご参照)かも知れません。 (添削訳文) もちろん、大量退職に関しては、すべてが悪いニュースというわけではありません。退職者の引退後の過ごし方で、比較的成功している例の一つを見てみましょう。トモヒコ・オオタケは、ローソンのお店で週3夜、午後10時30分から午前7時まで働き、埼玉のコンビニエンスストアでおにぎりや弁当を棚に並べるなどの仕事をしています。彼は時給875円の仕事を引き受けましたが、それは夫婦の旅行代やおみやげ代に使うための、特別なお金が少し欲しいからでした。 ※補足について 外国語文を日本語に訳す際、原文にはない補足をしなければならないことがよくあります。 (1)原文の内容を盛り込み、なおかつ日本語らしい表現にするための補足は必要ですね。 (2)原文の内容からの逸脱、同義反復、冗長などを犯すような補足は、なるべくしないように注意しましょう。 (3)原文に誤りがあるとか、舌足らずであるような場合があります。訳出の際にそれを訂正・補足するかどうかはその場の判断によります。上記の添削訳文の中に「おにぎりや弁当を棚に並べるなどの仕事をします」というくだりがありますが、この「~などの仕事」はこの種の補足と言えるかも知れません。(「おにぎりや弁当を棚に並べる」のが主たる仕事であっても、それ以外の仕事もしているに違いありませんから)。 (4)上記(3)のような補足は、大げさに言えば、いわば「補作」というべきことかも知れません(歌詞の作詞などではよくありますね)。また、原文に問題があるけれども、そのまま訳すことが必要な場合もありますが、その際は、"sic"「原文のまま」と注記します。 以上、ご回答まで。

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