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英作文の添削をお願いします!

今年大学受験をするものですが、宅浪なので英作文の添削をしてくれる人がいません。なので添削をお願いします。 テーマ:自分の失敗とその失敗から学んだことを100字以内で書け When I was fourteen. I bought a cell phone. As soon as I use it, I liked to call my friends on it. One day, I called one of my friends loudly on my cell phone in the train. I did not realize that I was annoying other people on board. then the woman sitting by me said to me that you should hang up your phone and pay more attention to people around you. After she scolded me, Iwas ashamed of my attitude and learnedthe importance of cosidering other people from this experience.

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  • 回答No.3

コンマの使い方がおかしいところがある。 時制が乱れている。 called ~ loudly は変。うるさかったのは(呼び出しではなく)電話での会話そのもの。 said to me that 以下の主語はyouではない。 scoldは動詞の選び方として不適切。 などという英語の校正よりも、やはり「失敗例としてあまりに幼稚」というのが気になります。単なるマナー違反のレベル。「学ぶ」というよりは瞬時にただすべきもの。 高校受験ではなく大学受験なのだから、せめて高校時代の体験をベースにして、もうちょっとその後考える(価値のある)ような失敗例にすべきでしょう。

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質問者からのお礼

単語とか文法よりも英作文の内容自体に問題がありましたね。 このことも気をつけて勉強し直します。 ありがとうございました。

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  • 回答No.2
noname#171951
noname#171951

文字数制限を大きく超えているので添削する意味がないです。

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  • 回答No.1

英文の添削以前に、このような社会常識を逸脱した内容では 残念ですがとても合格は覚束ないでしょう。

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