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添削お願いします。

TOEFLのwritingの勉強用に英文を書いたのですが自分では採点できないので添削してください。 Q People attend university or college for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university. A Most of my friends say `I attend university to graduate." So, I think people attend university to graduate. There are several reasons why I believe my friends are majority. First, to graduate university you have to get enough credits and nowadays the number of teachers who never give students credit without attendance is increasing. For example, one of my friend did very well on test but he could not get the credit because he rarely attend the class. Second, to get good job and high salary it is necessary for students to graduate university. If you want to become high-ranking official, you must graduate from university.There is a big difference between who graduate university and who did not on salary. This is decided by law so even if you have high ability, but did not graduate university you can not get high salary.

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英文の間違い等の以前に、第一印象として、 題意の把握がうまくできていないように思われ、高得点は付かないような印象がします。 TOEFLは、外国へ留学するために必要な英語力を評価するスコア っていうのはいいですよね。 大学やカレッジ(短大や単科大学だと思わないで書いてくださいね。外国のカレッジです) に行く理由が 「卒業するため、信用を得るため、高い給料が欲しい」などでは、 採点官が留学生になって欲しいと思って採点できるか、 もう一度考えてみてはいかがでしょうか。 Q People attend university or college for ★many different reasons.★ Why do you think people attend college or university. →■A Most of my friends say `I attend university to graduate."■ So, I think people attend university to graduate. ★There are several reasons★ ■why I believe my friends are majority.■ 質問で★many different reasons.★だという前提に対して ■A Most of my friendsで答えるのは矛盾しているように思います。 ★There are several reasons★ ■why I believe my friends are majority.■ も同様です。 書き出しは I thinkで始めて、自分の意見はこう思う。という点を強調して、 いろんな理由があるという問題なのですから one of reason attend college or university ~ とか・・・

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