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TOEFL WRITINGの添削願います

都会にある大学と田舎にある大学どちらに行きたいですか?という問題に対しての回答です 添削願います Of these two alternatives, I would like to go university in a large city for the following reasons. First, when I want to buy a book, I would go to a big book store to find the book. It is easier to find the book than small town. And if I should become sick, I would go to a big hospital. Large city has many kind of facility, it gratifies my need. On the other hand, small city has lack of facility, although you might see the breathtaking view and can forget hustle and bustle of the city, it could not content me as a student. Second, since a large city lives many people than small city, I have an opportunity to meet close friend or might meet rival. Close friend would help me when I was in trouble, good rival always stimulate me. To beat him I will study hard. Rivals existences exert a beneficial impact on me and I am sure that it can lead to take good score. Finally, even though I am student, I cannot study all through the year, need take a rest. When I have spare time, I would go to a game center to get rid of my stress, and art museum to feast of my eyes. While I have to self-control to avoid getting addicted to them, it is very good to refresh. For these reasons, I would like to go to university in a large city, it is a far better choice as a place to study. 全部添削いただかなくても気になったところだけでも構いません、是非宜しくお願いします

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  • 英語
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  • 回答No.5

再び、こんにちは。 私の妻は、英語とドイツ語のバイリンガルのドイツ人なのですが、ちょっと質問者さんの英文を見せてみました。妻の意見によると、English grammatical constructionを根本的に分かっていないと、すぐに分かる大変問題のある英文になっていると。まず、relativepronounが全くないのは英語としての体裁を成していないとのことです。この状態では、USへ行っても全く通用しないし、高い試験料が無駄になるので、まず基本的なgrammerをやり直すべきとのことです・・・。 日本人には、ちょっと厳しい意見と感じるかもしれませんが、現実を知ったら対策を練って解決する手がかりになると思います。日本人は、みんな英語で苦労しているので、めげちゃダメですよ。

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  • 回答No.4

こんにちは。 大昔にTOEFL受けたことありますが・・・気になったところだけ。 英語で文章を書く場合、論理のつながりが大事です(日本語でも本当は同じなんでしょうけど。) 第1パラグラフ 最初に「大都市には大きな書店があるから」と、第2パラグラフのように先に理由を述べてしまうといいかも。「本を買う」→「その本を見つけるべく大書店に行く」の間にもう一つ段階がいるように思います。例えば、「興味深い本を見つける」→「大書店は、在庫量が多いため、特定の本が存在する可能性が高い」→「大書店に行く」 次に、On the other hand...で突然、小都市のメリットを敢えて書きつつ、最後の一文「it could not content me as a student」で、ひっくり返って、やっぱり大都市がいいとなっています。これは、典型的な日本人のスパイラル的思考となっているので、まずいかと。短い文章なら、もっとリニアに書いた方がいいんじゃないかと思います。 第2パラグラフ 「close friend」と、「many people」との間に論理的飛躍があると感じました。例えば、「沢山の人が住んでいるので、人と出会う機会が多い」が入るのでは?「rival」についても同様かと。 第3パラグラフ 第2パラグラフのように「大都市には、excitingな場所が多くあるから」と先に理由を述べてしまうといいかも。最後の一文"While I have to ..."も、スパイラル的ですね。もし、これを入れるなら、大都市を選択する理由を補強する形で書いた方がいいと思います。例えば、「夢中になってしまっても、前記のライバルの存在が私を引き止めてくれる」とか。

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  • 回答No.3
noname#129435
noname#129435

文の構成についてですが、2番目のパラグラフ(最初のボディーパラグラフ)は、トピックセンテンス" (A)Large city has many kind(s) of facility(ies), it gratifies my need(s)."が例の後ろになっているので、出だしの2文と入れ替えた方がいいです。 結びのパラグラフで"better"という表現を使っているので、どこかにカウンターアギュメント(反対の意見も提示して自分の意見をより際立たせる)を入れると書くことが増えて文字数が稼げると思います。 (3番目のパラグラフの「close friend」や4番目の「学生なので勉強…」あたりを田舎の学校と結びつけると、カウンターアギュメントになるのでは?) 4番目のパラグラフの最後の文"While I have to self-control to avoid getting addicted to them, it is very good to refresh." は、ここで述べている「都市の利点」を弱めてしまう感じがするので、私個人としてはないほうがいいですが、減点の対象にはならないのでそのままでもいいと思います。   私は文法は苦手なので、細かい添削はできないのですが、 > if I should become sick, I would go to a big hospital. "should become"と"would go"は「病気にかかる可能性が全くない」ような感じで響きが変です。   日本語の「もし~するとしたら…」という表現は、英語では"real conditional"と"unreal conditional"の2種類あって、"real"の方は現実に起こりうる出来事、"unreal"の方は起こり得ない(起こる確率が非常に低い)出来事と明確な違いがあります。 使い分けが難しいので、出来れば使うのを避けるか、使うときは注意が必要だと思います。   >"small city has lack of facility" "lack of"よりは"a few facilities"の方が事実に近いと思います。   2番目のパラグラフの最後の文"small city ... a student."は、文の繋ぎ方に問題があります。 ward(英語)等の文章作成ツールでヘルプが出るので、ヘルプを参考に文を繋ぐか2つの文に分けるかしてみてください。   > a large city lives many people than small city. "a large city" に住んでいるのは「沢山の人」で大都市がどこかに住んでいるわけではないので、受動態にするか"many people"を主語にしたほうがいいと思います。   >"an opportunity" → "many opportunities" の方がいいです。 (大都市に住んでいて人に会う機会が「沢山」の方が説得力があります。) その後の"freind""rival"が何回か出てきますが、複数形の"s" が抜けています。   >"stimulate"は「刺激して興奮させる」の意味なので、他の言葉を捜したほうがいいです。   >"I am sure that"は不要だと思います。それから、重文を作る時は接続詞(3番目のパラグラフの最後の文では"and")の前にコンマを入れるのを忘れないで下さい。 (たかがコンマなのですが、これが減点の対象になります。)   4番目のパラグラフの最初の文も、文の繋ぎ方に問題があります。 4番目の最後の文の"while"の使い方も少し気になります。「セルフコントロールできる限り」なら"as long as"を使っても良いような気もしますが…   全体的に、冠詞の抜けと複数形の"s"の付け忘れが気になります。 あとは、重文と複文の作り方をおさらいするといいと思います。   つたない添削ですみません。  

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  • 回答No.2

あくまでもこれはエッセイであるため、出だしがこれだとまずいと思うのですが。these twoが指しているものがわかりません。 If I have the choices going to university in a large city or in a small city, I would like to go in a large city for the following reasonsとかにしてみてはどうでしょう。 以下、私の感じたところだけ直しを記述してみます。 The first reason is when I want to buy a book, I prefer going to a big book store to look for within a huge variety of books. It is easier to find the book I want than in a small town. And when I become sick, I would like to go to a big hospital since large city has many kind of facility. It would gratify my need. On the other hand, hospital in a small town would not. Although you might see the breathtaking view and can forget hustle and bustle of the city, it could not content me as a student. Secondly, There are more people in a large city than in small town. Therefore I would have better opportunity to meet good friends or good rivals. Those good friends would help me when I was in trouble and good rivals would always stimulate me and get me want to overcome those rivals in any fields. Rivals existences exert a beneficial impact on me and I am sure that it could lead me to take good score. Finally, even though I am a student, I cannot keep studying all day through a year. I would like to have some rest. When I have extra time, I would like to go to a game center to get rid of my stress and art museum to feast of my eyes. While the fact would happen that I have to control myself to avoid getting addicted to them, it is very good to refresh. For these reasons, I would like to go to university in a large city, it is a far better choice as a place to study. こんな感じでしょうか。 結論をもいちょい頑張って伸ばしたほうがいいと思います。 たとえば、これらの理由で私の能力が小さな町にいるより伸びやすいから。とか。 結論には1+2+3=結論というように、その3つパラグラフの内容を合わせて、結局自分にどんなメリっトがあるのかを記述したほうがいいですよ!

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  • 回答No.1

ちゃんと伝わる英文になってますね。細かいことはどこまでかけるか分かりませんが、 (同時にそういう試験を受けたこともないですし、採点について詳しいものでもありません) 気がついたことを書けるだけ書いてみようかと、、、、、 最初の本屋さんと病院は都会のほうが便利であなたの本や、健康面での不安にこたえてくれる ということだと思いますが、 本屋をもってくるまえにちょっとTake a book store for example. と前置きしてもいいかもしれませんね それであなたの望むニーズに答えてくれるというフレーズをパラグラフの最後に若干入れると いいかと思いました。 最初のパラグラフの後半のぶぶん。 On the other hand, small city has lack of facility, although you might see the breathtaking view and can forget hustle and bustle of the city, it could not content me as a student. この内容は最後に持ってきて、こういう田舎でのいい面もあるけど、総合的に都会のほうがいいという結論に持っていけばすっきりするかなあっと。 >Of these two alternatives, I would like to go university in a large city for the following reasons. go * universityなんか抜けてませんか? あとちょこちょこと見られますが、冠詞など落とし気味ですね。 これだけかける人なので注意してみればなおるとおもいます。 >Second, since a large city lives many people than small city, a large city lives many people これはちょっと変ですよね。 まこんなところで、、、

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