添削お願いします

質問

こんにちは。今度大学の授業で自分の過去の経験について各自発表することになりました。原稿を考えたのですが、時制や表現などいいたいことがうまく表せずに困っています。添削お願いします。
内容：私は以前から日本語教師に興味を持っていて、大学生１年生になり、外国の方に日本語を教えるクラブ活動を始めた。始めは日本語を教えることは、日本人の自分にとっては簡単だと思っていたが、日本語を教えることの難しさを知った。始めは上手に教えられなかったが、今では知識もだんだんと深くなっていった。私はこの活動を通して、言葉は違くとも分かり合えること、何を伝えたいかが重要であることを学んだ。

I entered a college, my point of view has changed.Because I joined a club activities.This club influenced me.
We teach Japanese to foreign people.I belonged this club simply because I am interested in Japanese teacher. So I joined this club. But I did not think deeply about the club. I made light of the Japanese language since I am a Japanese. However,what I thought was quite different from the fact.I thought that being Japanese doesn't qualify us to teach Japanese. I made light of teaching. At first, I've achieved only half of what I hoped to do. Because my knowledge is small. So I could not teach Japanese well. But now my knowledge is become deeper gradually.

I learned a great deal from this club. First,I learned that teaching is difficult. Second, we can make friends evev if we are not same language. Most important thing is that"What we want to communicate."
I want to study abroad someday. So I think that this experience is a precious possenssion.

私は今もクラブ活動を続けているのですが、文章中でそれがうまく表現できずに、もう活動はしていなくて過去のことという表現になっているような気がするのですが、うまく添削できません。。。
どうかよろしくお願いします。

回答No.2

T-Simoo · ベストアンサー

できるだけ原文に沿って

○I entered a college, my point of view has changed.
1.接続詞なしには、二つの文をコンマでつなぐことはできません。
2.「a college」大学の授業で発表するので、当然聞き手も「周知の」大学のはず。
●Since I entered the college, my point of view has drastically changed.

○Because I joined a club activities. This club influenced me.
1.接続詞の使用は最小限に。
●I participated in an extracurricular activity here, which has affected my life.

○We teach Japanese to foreign people.
1.「課外活動で」教えている、と明記します。
2.どういう外国人かを説明した方がいいかと。（大学の留学生なのか、近所に住む人たちなのか）
●In this activity, I have been teaching Japanese to the foreign students and the foreigners living in vicinity.

○I belonged this club simply because I am interested in Japanese teacher.
○So I joined this club.

●I'm interested in being a Japanese-language teacher, so I chose this activity.

○But I did not think deeply about the club.
○I made light of the Japanese language since I am a Japanese.
1.自分が日本人だから軽視していた、というのはあまり印象が良くないと思います。
●But perhaps I slightly made light of teaching Japanese language somewhere in my mind.

○However, what I thought was quite different from the fact.
●The reality is quite different from what I expected.

○I thought that being Japanese doesn't qualify us to teach Japanese.
○I made light of teaching.
1.この二文は不要かも。代わりに
●I have gradually noticed its difficulty.

○At first, I've achieved only half of what I hoped to do.
●At first, I wasn't able to do even half of what I imagined.

○Because my knowledge is small. So I could not teach Japanese well.
●My knowledge was too insufficient to let the foreigners understand Japanese well.

○But now my knowledge is become deeper gradually.
○I learned a great deal from this club.
●But now I have learned a lot of things through this activity.

○First, I learned that teaching is difficult.
●First of all, I have learned that good teaching is very difficult.

○Second, we can make friends even if we are not same language.
●Second, we can make friends even if we don't speak the same language.

○Most important thing is that "What we want to communicate."
●And I have learned what we communicate is more important than how we communicate.

○I want to study abroad someday.
○So I think that this experience is a precious possession.
1.soと上の文章との関連性がない。
●I want to study abroad someday, and I believe this experience will be helpful.

以上です。

お礼

回答ありがとうございます。
解説までつけて頂き大変参考になりました。

回答No.1

Willyt

これでいかがでしょうか？

When I entered this university this spring, I decided to join a
extracurricular activity of teaching Japanese to foreign people because I had been interested in it since I was a high school pupil.
I made light of this activity because I am a native speaker of Japanese, but I found this thought is wrong and that it's a very difficult job for us.
I have experienced many of difficulty about this activity, which taught me a very　precious things.
First, I learned that teaching language is not so simple as I have imagined.　Second, I realized we can make friends who have different language through this activity.
Most important thing is not teaching language itself but what we are intended to transmit through teaching Japanese to them.
I hope to study abroad someday and I think this experience will be a precious property for me.

お礼

回答ありがとうございます。
大変参考になりました。