再度、添削をお願いいたします。（１）

質問

Happy Birthday to you!
お誕生日おめでとう！

Thank God I am here to celebrate your birthday for the forth time since we have met.
まず、出会ってから４度目のあなたの誕生日まで生きていられたことに感謝します。

As I promised, I have not said “Sorry to my sister, mother and father who are not in heaven” because you kindly told me that my sister, father and mother are surely in heaven now.
そして．．．。
私は、あれから「天国に行けなかった Ａ子、お母さん、お父さん、ごめんなさい」とはも
う言わないと、あなたに約束したのでした。

I still keep the promise.
約束、きちんと守っていますよ。

何故なら、貴方が「Ａ子さんも，お父さんも，お母さんも、天国にいるはずだよ。」
と言ってくれたのだから．．．。
※この訳し方が分かりません。

It was truly difficult right before my sister passed away.
姉が亡くなる直前は、本当に凄まじかった。

Nothing like a TV drama in which a patient dies rather beautifully.
テレビでやっているような、あんな綺麗な死に方ではなかった。

Too much morphine made her almost unconscious and she uttered her last words.
“Mother, save me” coughing up a lot of blood.
モルヒネの使いすぎで、意識朦朧とした中で「お母さん、助けて。」が最期の言葉。
それも大量に吐血しながら、必死で何とか声にした言葉。

Doctor performed cardiac massages but the flat liner remained flat.
その後、医者が心臓マッサージとかやったけど、波形は動かなかった。

回答No.3

amip · ベストアンサー

なんども申し訳ないです。
「四度目」がforthになっていました。fourthです。
あと、beforeのつづりも間違えていました。

Happy Birthday to you! Thank God, I have been here to celebrate your birthday for the fourth time since we met. And I promised you not to say “I regret my sister, mother and father, who are not in heaven” because you kindly told me that your sister, father and mother are surely in heaven now. I still keep the promise.
The condition of my sister just before her death, heavy as it is to forget, is too miserable for me to see her. On her deathbed, I couldn't see a beautiful death like a video drama. It was rather terrible. Too much morphine made her almost unconscious and she uttered her last words “mother, save me” coughing up a lot of blood. After that, doctor performed cardiac massages but the flat line, showing her heart beating remained flat.

補足

翻訳会社に依頼してできあがった文章が下記でした。

Happy Birthday dear......!
First of all, I'd like to thank The God that I could have lived till your birthday.
And, I promised to you that I won't say sorry to my late father, mother and sister. Then I have been keeping this promise. It's because you told me they must be in the Heaven.

It's been really rough till my sister passed away. It was even worse than you see the cancer patients on TV and its program. Her last word was "Help me, Mom" while she was vomiting blood in the morphine overdose.

After that, her doctor gave the last treatment of the heart massage, but her heart never woke up.
My mother begged to the doctor to help her again and again. Also my father said to the doctor "Please help my daughter Ａ子".

I was very worried if my sister's heart broken by that. I even told to them she would be broken by that massages. When my father heard my words, he suddenly told to the doctor to stop doing the heart massage. However, my mother didn't agree what he said. And she shouted and said "Save my daughter and her life" over and over and over. maybe.

Once again, I said "She is going to broken" somehow.
Then my mother kneeled down and said "You did the best" with tears.
The doctor looked at the watch and said "She passed away at 19:28 and bowed.

I felt guilty when I saw my mother was crying. It was my five years old memory.

Since then, my mother got a lot damages from her death and confused which is me or my sister.
I could not be patient what my mother behaved and put a case on trial which was in private court style. It was close to not live with my own mother.
It took about 13 years to go back to real parents to live with.

And life is something non-predictable, I found I was mistook to the different parents when I was born at the hospital after 10 years.
I now keep my step family in my heart and I live with my real parents and sister with happiness.

Please not too worry about me. I'll write you when your birthday comes and pray for you.

I really thank you with all my heart of gratitude which the word from the book you gave me.
Thank you again.

どうも自分の言いたいことがうまく伝わっていないようで、こちらでお力添えいただきたかったのです。
その旨、ご高配いただけると幸いです。
手直し、本当にありがとうございました。

回答No.4

amip

翻訳会社が作った英文のほうが、簡潔でいいですね。
ちゃんと言いたいことも伝わると思いますが？

回答No.2

amip

前の投稿見ましたが、これsukinyanさんの英文ですよね？
あと、こんな長い文章ここにのっけて添削を依頼するのはちょっと・・・
皆さん答えづらいし、ここまで長いのであればどこかの翻訳会社に頼まれてもよろしいかなと思いますが。
僭越ながら。

回答No.1

amip

Happy Birthday to you!
これはいいです。

Thank God I am here to celebrate your birthday for the forth time since we have met.
コレはいろいろおかしい。sinceを使うのは原則として完了形の文です。ここでは、「生きていられたこと」＝「生きてきたこと」として完了形にしましょう。あと、sinceの中は過去自制です。

Thank God I have been here to celebrate your birthday for the forth time since we met.

As I promised, I have not said “Sorry to my sister, mother and father who are not in heaven” because you kindly told me that my sister, father and mother are surely in heaven now.
接続詞andで文章をつなぎましょう。asを使って「約束したように、私はもう～と言わない」は不自然。promise thatとか、promise you ～とかにしましょう。「もう言わない」も完了形では無理です。未来形です。Sorry to～も調べてみましたが、そんな用例は無く、日本語では「ごめんなさい」となっていますが、英語でI'm sorry to---だと、何かニュアンスが変わってくるので"I regret" にして「悔いているのだ」にしませんか。my sister などを先行詞とする関係代名詞whoですが、ここは非制限用法にしないと不味いです。because以下ですが、told thatの中はmy fatherではおかしいでしょ。yourです。

And I promised you not to say “I regret my sister, mother and father ,who are not in heaven” because you kindly told me that your sister, father and mother are surely in heaven now.

I still keep the promise.
これは良いです。

It was truly difficult right before my sister passed away.
強調構文にしたいのでしょうか？できていませんが苦笑　姉が死ぬ直前の
姉の様態は本当にすさまじかった。くらいにしときましょうか。
あと、文章のつながりを考えて、heavy as it is to forgetくらいを挟んどくと良いです。

The condition of my sister just befor her death, heavy as it is to forget, is too miserable for me to see her.（「死の直前の姉の様態は、ショッキングで忘れることなど出来ないのですが、あまりに悲惨で直視できなかったのです」）

Nothing like a TV drama in which a patient dies rather beautifully.
ここも結構きついかな。rather A than Bで「ＢよりむしろＡ」ですので、ここは全く逆の意味になってしまいます。テレビドラマ=video drama

On her deathbed, I couldn't see an beautiful death like a video drama. It was rather terrible.（「彼女の臨終の床で、私はテレビドラマのような美しい死に方を見ることは出来なかった。むしろ、ひどいといっても良いくらいだった」）

Too much morphine made her almost unconscious and she uttered her last words.“Mother, save me” coughing up a lot of blood.
ここは良いでしょう。けど、wordsのあとのピリオドは要りません。

Doctor performed cardiac massages but the flat liner remained flat.
After thatいれましょうか。linerじゃなくてlineでは？波形にも説明を少し加えたほうが良いです。

まとめてみました。
Happy Birthday to you! Thank God I have been here to celebrate your birthday for the forth time since we met. And I promised you not to say “I regret my sister, mother and father ,who are not in heaven” because you kindly told me that your sister, father and mother are surely in heaven now. I still keep the promise.

The condition of my sister just befor her death, heavy as it is to forget, is too miserable for me to see her. On her deathbed, I couldn't see an beautiful death like a video drama. It was rather terrible. Too much morphine made her almost unconscious and she uttered her last words“mother, save me”coughing up a lot of blood. After that, doctor performed cardiac massages but the flat line, showing her heart beating remained flat.

どうでしょうか？
参考まで。