長いのですが、添削お願いします！

質問

留学するためにホストファミリーに手紙を書かなければならないのですが、自信がないので少し長いのですが添削お願いします。

I am from Japan. My hometown is Shimane but now I’m living in Kanagawa near Tokyo with my younger brother. My hometown is a country side in Japan. I have many fond memories of there. There are many natures. So, I played outside with my friends. I often went to sea and mountain with my family. So, now I like play outside! I like watching autumn leaves and taking walks in mountain.
And other hobbies are playing sports, particularly basketball, watching movies and reading books and comics. I also like going out drinking and shopping with my friends. I think I am　outgoing, cheerful and mild. I like enjoying and doing something new. So, I think I can be used to new environment soon.
I have 8 members of family and two cats. My older brother studies to become an accountant in Osaka. My younger brother goes to university in Tokyo. My family is so great and interesting. When I come back my home, I go out various places with my family. I respect my parents. My parents met a foreign country. So, they recommend me to go other country while I am young. And I love children and America before. So, I decide to join this program!!
I took care of my cousin’s son that he was 1 years old a day in two weeks. And I learned English from my cousin. She went to study Britain before. Now, I work for nursery school as a volunteer every day. I help teacher’s works, For example taking walk, eating ranch and changing cloths, especially 1-2 years old class. I like spending children. Because children’s smile is so cute and they have many things I forgot. They make me smile naturally.
I look forward to know about your family, and hope to have a good relationship. And I like cooking. So, I will help willingly. Maybe it has many differences between Japan and America, for example rules, meals, of course language! So, I want to talk anything each time with your family.
Now, I can not say my English is very good, but I study English hard every day. I like to try to speak in English. So, I will be able to speak English soon. And I want to enjoy conversation! I will study and experience various things in America. It will broadens my horizons. It has been getting excited since now.
I hope to spend feeling happier with your family. And I look forward to see your family.

わからないなりに、頑張ったのですがもしもっと良い表現などがありましたら教えてください！

回答No.3

Milancom

翻訳修業中の者です。やってみます。ご参考になれば幸いです。
さらにご説明をした方がいいところがありましたら、ご指摘ください。

I am from Japan. My hometown is Shimane but now I’m living in Kanagawa near Tokyo with my younger brother. My hometown is a country side in Japan. I have many fond memories of there. There are many natures.

⇒Hello. Let me introduce myself. I grew up in Shimane, the countryside of Japan, surrounded by the beauties of nature. Now I live in Kanagawa near Tokyo with my younger brother. I remember a lot of good things back in my hometown.

NOTES: natureを複数形にするにはやや抵抗を感じます。We grew up in the countryside, surrounded by the beauties of nature.（私たちは自然の美しさに囲まれていなかで育った）＜ロングマン現代英英辞典＞を参考にしました。

So, I played outside with my friends. I often went to sea and mountain with my family. So, now I like play outside! I like watching autumn leaves and taking walks in mountain.

⇒I spent a lot of time outside with my friends back in Shimane. My family often went to beaches and mountains. This made me a outdoor type. I like watching autumn leaves and going walking in the mountain.

NOTES: なんとはなく書き換えてしまいました。元のままでも通じると思います。

And other hobbies are playing sports, particularly basketball, watching movies and reading books and comics. I also like going out drinking and shopping with my friends.

NOTES: この一節はとてもいいと思います。

I think I am　outgoing, cheerful and mild. I like enjoying and doing something new. So, I think I can be used to new environment soon.

⇒I am an outgoing, lively person who enjoys adventures and meeting new people. I don't think I have much trouble getting along in America.

NOTES: I am an outgoing, lively person who enjoys adventures and meeting new people.（私は、新しいことに取り組んだり、いろいろな場所に出かけて初めての方と会うのが大好きな活発な人間です。）＜ロングマン現代英英辞典＞を参考にしました。

I have 8 members of family and two cats. My older brother studies to become an accountant in Osaka. My younger brother goes to university in Tokyo. My family is so great and interesting.

⇒I have ten members in my family: parents, two brothers, two cats and me. My older brother studies to become an accountant in Osaka. My younger brother goes to university in Tokyo. My family is really fantastic!

NOTES: ご両親とお二人のご兄弟、二匹の猫とあなた自身では、九人（？）になります。あとひとりはどなたでしょう。自分の家族のことを、so great and interestingというのは何か違和感を覚えるのですが、fantasticとどう違うのかうまく説明できません。もしかするとどちらもよいかもしれないし、どちらもまずいかもしれません。

When I come back my home, I go out various places with my family.

⇒When I go to my parents house in Shimane, I go out to various places with my family.

NOTES: 「帰省する」は、このように表現されることが多いと思います。おそらく、ふるさとの家が、自分がいつも帰るべき自分の家という感覚が希薄なのではないでしょうか。元の言い方もすばらしいと思います。go various placesは、toがほしいように思います。

I respect my parents. My parents met a foreign country. So, they recommend me to go other country while I am young. And I love children and America before. So, I decide to join this program!!

⇒My parents met each other in a foreign country. So, they recommend me to go to other countries while I am young. And I love children and I have wanted to go to America. So, I have decided to join this program!!

NOTES: 「両親のことを尊敬しています」という日本語に近い表現は、I am proud of my parents.のように思われますが、この文章では、なぜ尊敬するのかという説明がないので、なんだかそこだけ浮き上がってしまうように感じます。また、このままでは、「あなたも外国にいって結婚相手を見つけなさい」とでもいう感じにはならないでしょうか。海外体験をご両親が勧めてくださる理由があればすてきだと思いますが…。

I took care of my cousin’s son that he was 1 years old a day in two weeks. And I learned English from my cousin. She went to study Britain before.

⇒I takes care of my cousin’s son. He is 1 year old in two weeks. And I learn English from my cousin. She went to study Britain before.

NOTES: いとこの息子さんのお世話とその子の年齢については、実情がわからないので、妙な文になったかもしれません。

Now, I work for nursery school as a volunteer every day. I help teacher’s works, For example taking walk, eating ranch and changing cloths, especially 1-2 years old class. I like spending children. Because children’s smile is so cute and they have many things I forgot. They make me smile naturally.

⇒I work for a nursery school as a volunteer every day. I help the teachers with their work: a walk, lunch and clothes change, especially in the one and two year old class. I like being with children. Because their smile is so cute and they have many things I forgot. They make me smile naturally.

NOTES: コロン（:）は、その直前の語（their work）を具体的に例をあげて説明するための句読点です。もとのように、for exampleを使っても同じです。spending time with childrenとしてもよいと思います。

I look forward to know about your family, and hope to have a good relationship. And I like cooking. So, I will help willingly.

⇒Would you tell me about your family? I am already looking forward to meeting you and your family. I love cooking. I am more than pleased to help you in the kitchen. What do you usually eat at home?

NOTES: I am already looking forward to meeting you and your family. I love cooking. I am more than pleased to help you in the kitchen. What do you usually eat at home?の一節は、相手から家族紹介の手紙が来たあとの方がさらに自然かもしれません。「そんなご家族なら、もうお会いするのが待てませんわ」という感じですから。

Maybe it has many differences between Japan and America, for example rules, meals, of course language! So, I want to talk anything each time with your family.

⇒There may be a lot of differences between Japan and America, for example rules, food, of course language! We would have nice time talking about what we find, wouldn't we?

NOTES: ここもなんとなく書き直してしまいました。ご参考になさってください。

Now, I can not say my English is very good, but I study English hard every day. I like to try to speak in English. So, I will be able to speak English soon. And I want to enjoy conversation! I will study and experience various things in America. It will broadens my horizons. It has been getting excited since now.

⇒My English needs a lot of improvement. I am now studying hard every day. I like to try to speak in English. I hope I will be able to speak English more fluently soon. And I want to enjoy talking with you! I hope I will have a good chance to study and experience various things in America. It will make my horizen broader. I already feel excited thinking about what may happen to me over in your country.

NOTES: ここもなんとなく書き直してしまいました。ご参考になると幸いです。

I hope to spend feeling happier with your family. And I look forward to see your family.

＊この一節はなくてもいいように感じます。

回答No.2

noname#231624

文法の間違いと、あまりに不自然な文を書き換えました。

I am originally from Shimane, Japan, and now I live in Kanagawa, near Tokyo, with my younger brother. My hometown is in the country side. I have many precious memories there. It is surrounded by nature, so I often used to play outside with my friends. I went to the sea and the mountains with my family. I still like outdoor activities. I like looking at the autumn leaves and taking walks in the mountains. Other hobbies of mine are playing sports, particularly basketball, watching movies and reading books and comics. I also like going out for drinks and shopping with my friends. I think I am outgoing, cheerful and mild. I enjoy doing something new. Hopefully I will be able to get used to the new environment quickly.
There are eight people in my family and we have two cats. My older brother is studying to become an accountant in Osaka. My younger brother goes to a university in Tokyo. My family is so great and interesting. When I go back to my hometown, I go out to various places with my family. I respect my parents. My parents met in a foreign country. (???) They recommended that I go to other countries while I am still young. I love children and the United States. That is why I decided to join this program.
I used to take care of my cousin's one-year-old son once every two weeks. I learned English from my cousin who studied abroad in Britain. I now work for a nursery school as a volunteer every day. I help teachers to take children for walks, and I help children to eat lunch or to change clothes. I mostly take care of 1-2-year-old children. I like spending time with children because their smiles are so cute and they have many things I have already forgotten. They make me smile.
I look forward to knowing about you and your family, and hope to make a lasting friendship. I am willing to help you cook since I like to cook. There must be many differences between Japanese amd American cultures; for example, rules, meals, and of course the languages! I am looking forward to sharing cultures with you and your family as much as we can.
My English is not very good but I study hard every day. I like to speak Enlish so I hope that I will be able to speak more fluently soon. I am hoping that I will study and experience various things in the United States. It will broaden my future. I am already excited.
I hope I will have a great time with you all. I am looking forward to seeing you and your family.

"My parents met a foreign country." の意味が分からなかったので、勝手に、外国で知り合っていただき (?) ました。^^;

ご参考までに。。。

回答No.1

mabomk

細かい添削だけしました、注釈無しですが、ご本人が読んで頂ければ直させて頂いた箇所はお分かりかと思います。なかなか良く書けていると思います。

I am from Japan. My hometown is Shimane but now I’m living in Kanagawa near Tokyo with my younger brother. My hometown is a countryside in western Japan, about 700 km away from Tokyo. I have many good memories there. The town is full of natures. So, I used to play outside with my friends. I often went to sea and mountain with my family. So, now I like play outside! I like watching autumn leaves and taking walks in mountain.
And other hobbies are playing sports, particularly basketball, watching movies and reading books and comics. I also like going out drinking and shopping with my friends. I think I am outgoing, cheerful and mild. I like enjoying and doing something new. So, I am sure I can rather easily adjust myself to new environment soon.
I have 8 members of family and two cats. My elder brother is studying in Osaka to become an accountant. My younger brother goes to university in Tokyo. My family is so great and interesting. When I come back my home, I go out to various places with my family. I respect my parents. My parents have been to some foreign countries. So, they recommend me to go other country while I am young. And I love children and America before. So, I decide to join this program!!
I took care of my cousin’s son of 1-year old a day in two weeks. And I learned English from my cousin who went to study in Britain before. Now, I work at nursery school as a volunteer every day. I help our nurses, for example, by taking walk, eating lunch and changing cloths, especially 1-2 years old class. I like spending my time with children. Their smile is so cute and I love them. They make me smile naturally. I look forward to knowing about your family, and hope to have a good relationship. And I like cooking. So, I hope I can help you in cooking. Maybe I will experience many differences in daily life between Japan and America, for example rules, meals, of course language! So, I want to talk anything each time with your family.
Now, I can not say my English is very good, but I study English hard everyday. I like to try to speak in English. So, I will be able to speak English better soon. And I want to enjoy conversation! I will study and experience various things in America. It will broaden my horizons. It has been getting excited since now(????). I hope to spend very happy time with your family. And I look forward to seeing your family.